It is a New Year...Do Not Make the Same Old Mistakes.

New Years is upon us.

Now is the time to plan your 2015 resolutions. Whether it is resolving to eat less Nutella or to bust hella nuts, it is important to start the year out on the right foot. A big part of this is avoiding problematic decisions that you may have made in 2014. While it may be absurd to expect 100% perfect decision making from a often-intoxicated young adult, it is important to make it through the first few hours of the new year without embarrassing yourself.

4. Do not spend your whole night talking to hoes about how much better you're going to be in 2015.

While this may seem like an effective way to hype them up for your future self, in reality, all you are doing is setting unnecessary expectations for yourself. What if this girl had been feeling you, but you decided to share that you're going to get a six pack and invent a quicker way to peel bananas in 2015? Why would she wanna kick it with the slightly-chubby, sloppy banana peeling dude in front of her when she could wait a few months and give it a shot then?

Even worse, when you fail to live up to your expectations the following year you're in even more trouble.

Talk about how next year you're going to try to run...the pong table...more often. Or that you'll attempt to improve your friends diets by not offering them so many free shots. Humble brag away.

3. Always have a surprise surplus of alcohol to supplement the stash deep into the night.

Nobody wants to be remembered as the guy who started 2015 without having anything to drink. A very popular urban legend states (forgive me if I am incorrect, I am reciting it from a very hazy memory): "The man without a beer or Belvedere to cheers at 12 right here/shall fear and watch disappear all the rear that was so near until the next Leap Year..."

Don't be the guy who only gets to smash once every 4 years: bring  something to drink.

2. Do NOT hit up your 2014 3:58 AM booty call at any time during the night!

It happens to nearly everybody. Guys go through a cold streak after summer concludes, and they start relying on some random girl for conversation and the occasional. Now, this girl may not be altogether unattractive or some sort of top-level hoe, but for one reason or another (maybe she knocked your popsicle out of your hand one night on accident), she isn't a quality individual worth devoting your time to. New year, new rear. That's what I always say...at least just now.

Keep your options open. If you must, text your 2013 4:18 AM go-to if you most. At least when she responds "who is this?", you will have the perfect opportunity to slap yourself out of it and realize you'd be better off watching Girls Gone Wild infomercials tonight than going back to either option.

1. Do NOT make your midnight kiss a girl who just threw up.

Because all these young whippersnappers start drinking so early these days, the chances that at least one girl in your NYE setting may have just puke-burped out her 11 Vodka Cranberries increases steadily. I have seen it one too many times: guy running out of town at 11:59, starts scanning the entire room quickly and spots a wide-eyed girl chilling by the bathroom. He may think it is just fresh lipstick, but it is actually cranberry remnants on her lips. He swoops in for the kiss, and is in for a rude surprise. 

To avoid hurl girl: just spark a blunt at midnight and live happily as the Swisher Kisser.

5 Ways Not to Pull Hoes While Sitting Next to Them... (Especially at Poison Girl)

Tonight, I was fortunate enough to witness one of the most unsuccessful attempts at pulling a hoe I have seen in my long, fruitful life.

While spending some time with my favorite animal (a White Owl) and overlooking the happenings over at Poison Girl, I spotted a fellow struggling to advance upon a lady who was yelling about butt muffin bums. I, personally, had never dealt with any butt muffin bums before, so I was listening intently to her description (somebody who can't make it in New Orleans, I guess).

During that conversation though, I witnessed 5 of the worst attempts at making a move (if you can even call it that) I have ever seen a dude try. So I present to y'all: The 5 Ways NOT to Pull Hoes While Sitting with Them

5. The "reach-around-her-sneakily-to-put-your-arm-around-her-while-holding-a-beer trick". 

While this a tried-and-true technique, it becomes difficult to pull off when you have a brand new beer in your hand. In the case of tonight's case study, he didn't even get his arm halfway around her before he poured the beer down the back of her shirt. While this may have a 5-10% success rate in attempting to get a girl to take her shirt off, in this situation it had a 0% shot of success at not pissing her off. Well, at least he can go buy her a drink (as he needs one of his own now) to make up for it, right? No...

4. Argue with the girl about her buying you a drink since I guess you're broke.

Rather than atone for his accidentally wetting her, this fellow decided that he should try to score a free drink out of it. However, this lady had had probably earned free drinks from far too many dudes tonight to fall for that. Eventually he agreed to buy her some wells whiskey (which I shouldn't be able to hear from patio, but damn did she love to scream, :wells?! UGHHHHHH". He eventually came back WITHOUT her drink, and just sat down like he never agreed to buy her anything...

This was actually a player-ass move that I will have to try someday, but it didn't work in this situation, as she stormed away to buy her own drink. Eventually she returned, and that's when our research subject tried to unsuccessful,

3. Pretend to wipe off her seat for her before she sits down, and then leave your hand there so she sits on it.

While this move can be pulled off in a few different manners, this guy made one crucial mistake: he left two fingers pointing up so she would sit on them and he could go digging for gold, errr pink, when she did.

When somebody accidentally sits on your hand, you can pull it away without causing problems as long as you limit yourself to one butt grab and apologize for the inconvenience. This guy went the exact opposite route, and decided not to try to be stealthy. Thus, when she sat on his hand and he wiggled his fingers, there was no amount of apologizing that could do. But, of course, she is chopped up and her judgement is extremely impaired right now, so she will probably let him slide, right? Nah, because deciding to sniff his fingers right after doing so probably didn't improve his chances of coitus or probability of pussy very much at all.

But every situation can become suck-cessful if a dude can step up his game. And the man's next move may have finally saved him... Not.

2. Stand up for no reason and stand directly next to her with your dick at eye-level, rocking back and forth.

This was a risky chance taken by this guy, and he had to know that it wasn't going to end well. But you have to applaud this guy's persistence with terrible ideas: it takes heart! And no game...

But with this move, he knew that she would be forced to look into his loins and inevitably imagine intercourse. Either that or she would gasp as loud I have ever heard, and put her cigarette out on the dudes pants. Luckily pants are flame-retardant, while this dude was just retarded.

By this time, it is getting late, and the dude realizes that he has just failed miserably four times in a row. He wasted a beer, something fishy AND fucked up his jeans. He knows that it will take an act of genius or an act of God to get this girl on top of him, but this man isn't a quitter. He thinks of the most-unresistable moves in hoe-pulling history:

1. Knock her phone out of her hand, grab her forearm, and pull her over to you as forcefully as you can--while simultaneously knocking over her drink as well (Bye wells whiskey!).

Ahh, yes, the one move that not only exhibits the strength you have gained from steroid use, but also the weaknesses you have with opposite-sex interaction. Plus, if this dude broke her phone, now he can offer to buy her a new one and make her choose a phone number, ensuring that he has the number. Although, knowing this guy, as we saw him when it came time to buy a drink, he would probably offer to buy her a flip phone and the 100 minutes/500 texts plan.

As he pulled her however, she held her ground, dropping just her drink and phone, while holding onto her dignity).

Our guy was obviously dejected, and i'm guessing flaccid. But he knew when to finally give up on his voyage for vagina. So he stood up and said it was nice talking to her and walked away... Not before standing there for another 30 seconds with his wiener at her eye-level though...

And that concludes the greatest case-study in cockblocking one's self that I have ever witnessed.

Do the exact opposite of what this guy did, and you may very well pull the hoe of your dreams tomorrow. And if not, just go to Poison Girl tomorrow and people watch. It will make you feel better about your social skills...

4 New Years Res-HOE-lutions for 2014

With the arrival of a New Year comes the arrival of new hoes, or rather, old hoes trying to act brand new (and much less hoe-like). Because such a valiant attempt is being made by these women to act in a much more reserved, responsible, and less reckless manner, it is necessary for men to recognize this change and adapt their own techniques and personalities accordingly. So I present to you the three most important New Years’ Reshoelutions that a man can make/follow to increase their chances of success with these suddenly-enlightened females.

4. Allow women to be as independent as they'd like.

Don’t be afraid to let a hoe who wants to be more “independent” take you out from time to time, or even purchase the drinks for a night. If it comes down to it, offering to go Dutch (especially on a Dutch Master) makes you look supportive, gentlemanly, and not completely like an ass.

3. Change your dating habits in order to suit their new years’ diets.

As the New Year hits, many girls decide that they’d like to start a new diet and get back into great shape. While this seems like it may be rather expensive for a man to accommodate (after all, Whole Foods is much more expensive than the taquitos and tamales in the lunchline at Fiesta), it really isn’t. If a girl decides that she wants to eat green in the New Year, feel free to take her on a picnic in a grassy park. When she opens the picnic basket and realizes that it is empty, tell her to look around at all the grass surrounding the two of you, and to consider it “Nature’s personal all-you-can-eat buffet”.

2. Change your sexual maneuvers in order to suit their new year’s workout plans.

While many girls want to improve their diet at the start of 2014, an equal amount have promised themselves that they will work out more often to obtain the body of their dreams this year. Don’t be afraid to use this to your advantage. Be more willing to tell a girl to get on her knees when you’re alone, and if she gets mad at you, just tell her that you wanted her to get into push-up form and you’re willing to lead her towards her perfect physique.

In addition, working out with your female companion can lead to many more opportunities for joint showers. Not to mention, increased flexibility...

1. Change the way that you text.

It is a well-known fact that girls love men with an accent. However, very few of us actually have legitimate accents (shoutout to all my foreign friends though), so we must work with what we have. So in the New Year, men should make an effort to use more random accents, umlauts and squigglies whenever possible while you are texting. After all, doesn’t “ÿõů fîňę ğiŕł” look much more cultured than “you fine girl”? Go forth and be cultured. I have faith in you all.

NOTE- If you are still working with a phone that can’t make that happen, you can attempt to try to use numbers and symbols instead and hope that the girl you’re talking to thinks you are speaking some exclusive new language. “y()u f!n3 g|rl”.

I hope everybody had a successful holiday break and that 2014 is your luckiest one yet.

The Return of How To Pull Hoes: Spitting Game Using Board Games

How To Pull Hoes took a very long break, but it has returned just in time for the end of the semester. In the blog's downtime, I received quite a bit of emails asking for advice, as well as emails sharing whore horror stories that had recently occurred. 

Surprisingly enough, a number of emails addressed the issue of playing board games while trying to seduce a hoe (alright, only two emails did, but that is two more than I ever expected). I never thought of board games as the way to a woman's diamond-shaped heart, but perhaps the times are changing.

As a result of these changes, I felt as though I should try to assist the two people who emailed me, so I will attempt to improve everybody's board game related game for broads.

I have compiled a list of board games (and other games of the sort) that I believe can lead to successful hoe pulling, along with a clever little line that may be able to assist you in your attempt:

- - - - -

Twister- The ideal game to discover whether or not a girl is flexible enough for your liking, and also a warm-up for any activities that you may be participating in later.

Line- "Left foot: green, right hand: blue balls..."

- - - - -

Hungry Hungry Hippos- One of the most simple yet entertaining games ever created, and also a great self esteem boost for many hoes. True, they may inhale balls just as quickly as the hippos in the game, but they are much, much skinnier! There is nothing a hoe loves hearing more than compliments about her ball-swallowing and physique at the SAME DAMN TIME!

Line (upon observing that the hoe you're trying to talk to is pretty good at the game)- "Wow, you really know how to gobble up balls! I'd like a private demonstration if possible. I'll even slam my hand against the back of your head repeatedly if it gets you in the mood!"

- - - - -

Uno- One of the dopest games from anybody's childhood, UNO can also be a helpful tool when trying to seduce a hoe. It is a proven fact that hoes love bright colorful things (example: raves), and the array of colorful cards in an UNO deck can work as a natural aphrodisiac if used correctly. In addition to the colors, there are a couple random opening provided by the cards themselves in UNO that may be able to help you out...

Line (after putting down a Draw Two or Draw Four card)- "I guess I just hit you with the D, don't act like you don't like it... I bet I can make you go WILD too."

NOTE- Only the 1994 version of UNO contains the Draw Two/Four cards picturing the giant D. Not my problem.

- - - - -

Slapjack- This isn't the normal version of Slapjack (a game where each player puts down a card until they see a Jack, in which case they slap the pile). Instead, we will call this Slapjunk.

Line- "Hey, there isn't enough room to play on that table over there, so let's just play on my lap instead....!"

Proceed to have junk slapped.

"Ouch, that hurt! You could at least kiss it to say sorry!"

- - - - -

These are just a few of the possibilities out there, you just need to be creative.

12:00- When The Clock Strikes Midnight, Cinderella Girls Turn Into Sinderella Hoes.

I know I have touched on this in previous posts, but I believe that it is now important enough to warrant it's own write-up. Basically, whenever you're at a party, you're having a good time, and then all of a sudden, midnight rolls around, and the realization that you can't buy beer anymore hits you (Unless it's Saturday night, in which case, shit, we're good!). All of a sudden, all those girls who seemed so wonderful and classy just a few minutes ago have completely transformed.

At 11:42 you can hear the girls talking amongst each other "oh em gee, I have so much dignity", but when 12:01 rolls around and they are on a mission to procure any remaining drinks, it is more like "fuck dignity, i just want a drink you see, and some dick in me!". Buttons start getting undone, cleavage evolves from just being able to make out the breast, to the girls actually letting you make out WITH the breast. In order to capitalize on this as much as possible, you must think ahead enough to reserve a stash of alcohol for later in the night when it will do you the most good. Obviously, I don't condone the use of alcohol to pull hoes, but think of it as a friendly fishing, these hoes are going to bite somebody's line (figuratively, hopefully) why not toss your bait in the water and see if you can wiggle it enough to catch something.

Don't be one of the dudes who gives up his drinks with no return on your investment, you don't even have to be disrespectful or exploitational. It is very possible to be a stand-up guy and still lay a girl down. Basically, keep a reserve stash as long as you'd like, and when the hoes all make their rounds looking for shots and beers, choose your timing wisely. Let them deplete everybody else's surplus and then when they finally come around to you, make your move.

One way for you to ensure that you only give as much in a shot as you like, is to attach a shot pourer to your bottle; much like this one to the left. With this equipped to your bottle, not only can you pour the shots yourself, adjusting for the looks of the girl, but if you want to have a little fun, mispour at the beginning and cover their face or shirt with a little of it, always a good laugh, especially with some hoes you dislike.

However, one way to add even more laughs to this setup, try to find a shot pourer shaped like a penis, and attach that to the top of the bottle whenever you're planning on pouring a girl a mouthshot.

For another bit of fun, offer to chug a beer with a few of your friends and a hoe who wanted a beer, but make sure to shake hers up before you give it to her. It is a win/win situation, she gets some beer, you get a laugh, and her shirt may get a little wet. What it comes down to, is that after 12 o'clock, the one with the remaining drinks usually make the rules. If a girl wants a beer, tell her that she has to chug it out of her best friend's boobs or take a beer pong through your zipper. Throw something ridiculous out there and see how badly she really wants a drink!

Next, i've had a lot of people ask me how they are supposed to know which hoes are the most desperate for alcohol when the time comes. It is pretty simple, just keep your eyes open and observe the surroundings. The most desperate hoes usually come in three types.

1. The "Bottom of the Beer Drinkers"- Their is usually at least one girl (more dudes do this however) who traces a route around the party keeping an eagle-eye out for somebody to put down their beer when they're done with it, or goes on a hunt searching for unfinished beers. By doing this she is able to find a handful of beers (warm, usually) that have not been finished, and sometimes have as little as just one sip left in them. This is the most desperate as she is already throwing fear of cooties out the window and is basically saying "fuck it, i'm not letting this sip go to waste". You know what this also says? She doesn't mind taking a little shot of liquid in her mouth from anybody at the party. Pass this girl off to the most desperate dude in your group in an attempt to get her to take a sip of his "longneck"... Pause.

2. The "Hey, Nice to Meet You, But Only After 12:00 Girl"- You've been at the party for a good 2 hours, and this hoe has given you the cold shoulder. However, once the alcohol starts running low, she becomes oh so friendly and has never been so eager to take part in your conversation and learn all about you. That interest only lasts a good 45 seconds though before she broaches a new topic. "Oh my god, somebody took my beer, this is terrible! Can I have yours?" What she failed to mention though, was that beer that somebody "took" was actually a random bottle she grabbed off the table right before she walked over to mooch and smooch with you. Depending on your response, she will make this same round around the whole party. Usually, my response to this hoe would be a bit of challenge. If she remembers my name, sure, she can get a beer, but usually from my Keystone stash. If she doesn't, adios hoe. (Disclaimer: Not every girl who wants to meet you after midnight is a mooching hoe, some are genuinely interested in you. To judge which of the two they are, judge how long they bother to stay around and how long it takes for them to ask for a drink. Less than a minute, and I think you have your answer.)

3. The "Girl Who Changes Into Something More Comfortable"- This is usually the most interesting and most enjoyable, if only for the fact that they usually lose a layer of clothing in order to command more attention and perhaps ease into their seduction. Very commonly, especially in the summer as the night goes on, will change outfits. This could mean they go to their car to take off their jeans and put on a skirt, go into the bathroom to take their panties or bra off, or just take their shirt off in front of anybody. By doing this, they get a step up on the other hoes, and no men lose when this hoes is around (unless she is fat). However, sometimes this can lead to comical occurrences, including a girl who says she is going to change real quickly and comes back wearing a swimsuit at a location without a pool. Perhaps she could be saying, secretly, that she is looking to get wet? Take note of this hoe and keep in mind that she was willing to strip down without provocation, who knows what could happen if there is alcoholic incentives involved.

Basically, the point of this is to keep your eyes open if you're attempting to get some legs open. Even if you aren't, there is still quality entertainment to be had once the clock strikes midnight and their is a free for all for all things free. However, at the same time, if you are the one with the last alcohol, be careful, dudes mooch just as hard as hoes and are much more annoying. Make sure to have your fun before they get to desperate and decide to head to a bar in hopes of lame dudes buying them drinks there. However, realize that after 2 AM, any remaining alcohol is worth even more! A sip for a nip if you're lucky.

Also realize that the best wingman will toss his best friends drinks before he tosses anything to a beezy. Bros before hoes especially with brews, don't forget that. Dumb hoes will be around forever, but good friends are hard to find. Who knows, you may need their surplus in your future endeavors.

Oh well, until next time, keep your pimp hand strong, your personal bar stocked, and use hoes as entertainment whenever you can.

How To Spot a Hoe's Injuries; And What They May Mean...

We have all been out and about, perusing for a female companion, when all of a sudden, something catches your eye that you know you just HAVE to pursue. However, upon further inspection, you realize that the hoe you were pursuing was actually damaged goods, and unless there is some sort of money-back guarantee or extreme discount, you'd be better off just staying away.

It is necessary to be alert and notice signs that some other eager beaver bangers may be overlooking in an attempt to smash as speedily as possible. Here are a few of the warning signs that may keep you from inserting due to injuries.

Bruises/Rugburn on Knees- The easiest sign to notice, especially as girls are trying harder and harder to show more skin. The only possible explanations for a girl having bruised knees are negative, and range from frequent fellatio-ing, to repeated restroom regurgitation, all the way down to just being a quite-manly tomboy. Obviously being a boyish bitch isn't as bad as a girl who has a steady schedule of sucking dick, or a girl who likes tasting her food twice, but nobody wants a hoe who can beat them in arm-wrestling. After all, just imagine what she'd do to your dick, you'd probably be dealing with a limp noodle when her forearm flexing workout was through. Basically, very little good can come from obvious marks on knees, and bandaids should never be a turn on, unless you're a really lame vampire.

Nosebleed And/Or Nasal Strips- Another very obvious injury to keep an eye out for, bloody noses are ALWAYS a deterrent. Either the girl tried to do a barcode worth of coke, sucks at fighting and took a right hook in the face, or even worse, picked her boogers so viciously that she has sliced her inner nostril! Every intelligent man knows that some girls out there are going to be golddiggers, but most didn't know that this was the definition they had in mind for some. Regardless, any nose related injury screams BAD NEWS from a mile away, even without the blood. In addition to looking plain lame, some girls out there are using Breathe-Right strips in order to open their nasal-passages in attempts to get as much out of their vanilla coke as possible. While you can't blame them for being savvy shoppers and trying to get the bang for their buck, looking drugged and dorky at the same time is never good.

Tennis Elbow- As you can tell, the woman to the left is suffering from a very severe and painful case of tennis

elbow, more commonly referred to as "Tugging Elbow" in the world of sluts, and is one of the more overlooked injuries you may come across. At first inspection, it may seem as though this girl obtained this injury from being such an avid fan of tennis, but on the contrary, the percentages say this injury is most likely to come from excessive handjobs. WARNING SIGN! #1, you have a girl who is most likely entertaining a large group of men, with relative fapping frequency. Even more frightening however, is the fact that she is placing her hands on hard-ons and actually convincing guys that it is passable as sexual activity. She has the mindset of a middle schooler and the elbow of an elderly woman, never a good mix. Avoid, unless and avid fan of dry dick high fives.

Concussions- Another very tricky injury, as your first reaction will usually be one of pity for the victim, but don't let the woozy/innocent look on their face fool you. I have come to the conclusion that nearly half of cunt's concussions are due to a very traumatic and painful experience. Dickslaps. The whiplash that follows the aforementioned cock-to-cheek collision can even lead to neck injuries in the most violent occurrences. So, by all means, feel some remorse for women who have suffered this fate, but just remember, that the next time you kiss her on her cheek and wish her a get well soon, you may have just made contact with rod residue.

Dehydration- Though not necessarily an injury, I believe that due to the extreme temperatures being reached this summer, it would be a good idea to point this one out. It isn't out of the ordinary for a hoe to have cotton mouth during the summer, however, if it is a hoe that you plan on receiving sexual favors from later on, you may be at risk for a terrible affliction know as dessert dome dick. The only known cure is

a healthy dose of water and Gatorade, as the electrolytes within the Gatorade work as the greatest wingman you'll ever need in times of desperation. In other words, just think of Gatorade as a hoes mouth lube.

As you can see very clearly with Mia Hamm and the many sexual innuendos that her past Gatorade ad contained, Gatorade is the perfect item for foreplay. "It's never wanting to stop (giving you head)" followed by the mandatory act of the man asking her "Is it in you?". At the very least, with the use of Gatorade to rehydrate, you can use all of the excess sweat (as she takes a teabag to forehead) as a sort of lubricant.

These are the most frequent injuries that I have run into recently, and was just making sure that my fellow men are well-informed in this area. After all, we're all in this together, and education before penetration is the most important thing.

Bros Before Hoes: When Is It Acceptable To Ditch For A Bitch?

Very often, we are faced with a dilemma; should we ditch our friends to chill with a girl? Or should we always be loyal to the male division of our friends. To be honest, when it comes down to a battle of sexes, the one that you can have sex with will almost always win.

This isn’t to say that you should always bail on your buds to get some butt, but in certain situations, it isn’t a bad idea.

Guaranteed nut busting with a new girl= Acceptable. Obviously, you aren’t supposed to bail on your good friends in order to go fuck, but true friends will understand, unless you’re going to fuck their girl, or the two of you have signed up for a 2-on-2 basketball tournament or something. If you have yet to slide inside this girl, and it has been established that by choosing this hoe over bros, you are guaranteed penetration, go ahead. However, the wild card here is that you should invite your friends to join you in busting this nut whenever possible. The old adage remains true, nothing build friendships more than traveling together, and in this situation, running train together is the best trip I can think of.

High-rated hoes over bros = Acceptable. This is another situation where it is acceptable to abandon your current friends in order to pursue the puss. No REAL friend is going to get mad if you disappear to go chase a fine ass dime, you just have to make sure to tell them all the details when you return. 10’s are protected under this statute, as well as 9’s. If you are approached by your friends and called a bitch for trying to go leave, they are most likely jealously cockblocking you.

Extreme drought = Acceptable. If you’re blue balls have gone from sky, to royal to navy and are now approaching a shade of purple, you are granted a pardon to penetrate. I wouldn’t even wish a dry streak on my worst enemies, so if your friends give you a hard time about bailing on them, tell them your story. Anything over 3 months without smashing, and you have reached an extreme drought and need to get your dick wet ASAP.

Retaliation desertion in hopes of insertion = Perhaps Acceptable. It happens, some dude always disappears to go be with some gal, and it isn’t always during an acceptable situation. Let’s say your best friend bailed on you last week when he was supposed to be tearing down the walls in your house, in order to tear down some girl’s wall instead. If his situation doesn’t correspond to one of the three that I mentioned above, you are now given an opportunity to do the same. Granted that it is within one week of his, and the girl you bail on him with is of equal or hotter value than his was. Bonus points (though a little grimy) if it is the same girl that he bailed on you for.

Checking something off your checklist = Perhaps Acceptable. In the grand sexual scope, we all have a checklist that we hope to accomplish before our penises become obsolete and hoes no longer have a use for us. These checklists vary in length and difficulty depending on how skilled the man thinks he is. However, if you are within reach of checking off a high-ranked goal on your checklist, it is, at times, acceptable to leave the group in order to chase it. This could include anal sex, Eiffel tower, nutting on faces, a threesome, a MILF, a prom queen, etc, all depending on your personal list. Basically anything that will give you a good story to tell your friends is acceptable, after all, they deserve to be rewarded for being so understanding.

Prudes over dudes = NOT Acceptable. We are all on a mission of jizzing, which explains, very simply, why this is a no-go. You should, under no circumstances, leave your friends in order to chill with a girl who isn’t going to give it up. Exceptions include girlfriends (but why would you be dating a prude), foreign-exchange students (cultural differences are understandable) and taking the prude away from the group in order to protect your friends. However, if you are, somehow, able to Kenyan run through a girl previously identified as prude, you are granted immunity the next time around, and given another opportunity without fear of repercussions.

These are just a few of the situations that you may encounter on your coochie quest. Remember though, money over bitches and bros before hoes still applies in most situations, so don’t make a habit of bailing.

Until next time, keep on F’ing B’s and G’ing M.

Four Loko Hoes- Where $1.69 Can Lead To A 69.

SIDE EFFECTS OF FOUR LOKO-

• Blurred Vision (& Morals)
• Chest Pain
• Blackouts
• Memory Loss
• Bubble Guts
  
  
  
  IF SUCCESSFUL, LOKO LEADS TO:
  
  
  

&

So let's say you're faced with a dilemma: You have $3, and you want some gummy worms from the corner store, but you have to get a hoe drunk... What do you do? You buy the gummy bears and stick the chick with a loko, and use that dime you get back as change to contribute to a homeless man's FourLoko Fund.

No longer must you worry about dropping dollars to get hoes to drop your drawers (unless of course she blacks out from the 'Alcoholic Gusher', in which case, you at least have another story about the serial killer known as Four Loko.) Just lift your cushions looking for couch change and end the night with a hoe leaving blouse stains!

My favorite thing to do is buy one of each flavor Four Loko, head to a party, and leave them sitting by a group of hoes. Wait for them to acknowledge the presence of the beverage, and then they will pounce. Keep a close eye on them, and whichever girl chooses your favorite flavor, pursue her, and if you happen to be rejected by the first girl, pick your second favorite flavor and work your way down the loose lineup of Loko.

If you're really looking to find yourself surrounded by easy women, you could perhaps paint your car colored-camo, put a four loko logo on, and roam the streets handing out drinks and dick to thirsty hoes all around your neighborhood. Get yourself a Loko theme song to play to let people know you're in the neighborhood, and you'll be more popular than the ice cream man in no time. Perhaps this?



I must warn you all though, pretty soon it looks as though our Loko is going to be taken off the shelf. Which means you should take advantage of it while you still can, and perhaps stockpile a few for the future. Who knows, in post-apocalyptic America, Four Loko may be the magical hoelixir and be the most precious resource on the planet.

BONUS: Four Loko Recipe Of The Week!

"Dew The Loco"

(1)- Four Loko Watermelon
(1)- Mountain Dew 20 oz.
(1)- (Hopefully) Strong Stomach Lining

Pulling Hoes: Is Eating Out Acceptable? (Cuisine, Not Cunnilingus)

Every now and then, you may have the crazy idea in your head that you should take a hoe out for dinner. Whether it be because you’re hungry, or you are trying to flatter her, there are some basic ground rules that you need to keep in mind.

NEVER spend too much money on her- There should be a correlation of some sort between her rating on a 1-10 scale, and how many dollars you spend on her meal. While it is safe to say that you shouldn’t be taking a ‘3’ out to dinner, that doesn’t mean you can’t take a girl out for a cheap dining experience.

Even I have taken a girl out and gotten her to 'bang me after Banh Mi'. Avoid places that are too cheap though, as they could lead to indigestion before insertion, and that is never good. Especially avoid CiCi’s, unless you’re taking out her cockblocking fat friend with you and you’re trying to lose her along the way. That long line of sub par pizza may very well be more exciting to her than your penis.

I’ll give a few acceptable food choices depending on the rating of the girl you’re treating.

• 1-3 Rating- The corner store usually has day old hot dogs, maybe some soggy nachos, or even a candy bar should all suffice in this situation. Though, while you’re there, you should probably do yourself a favor and buy some beer for yourself. (I hope for your sake that you’re not really going out with a girl rated this low, but if you are, I suppose you have to take her somewhere, right?)

• 4-5 Rating- Not quite condonable, somewhere cheap with poorly lit rooms would work best. You should consider a low-class Chinese buffet perhaps. (Hopefully, this will be the only pussy that you’re eating tonight, ha!) Though buffets leave you susceptible to spending too much time together, so, if possible, you should try to find a quicker meal. Studies have shown that KFC is a suitable location, as the Colonel is rarely known to cockblock. Also, neighborhood Mexican restaurants are acceptable, especially if you can get away with only giving her chips and salsa as a meal!

• 6-7 Rating- Now you’re getting into the more promising territory, so do not be afraid to open your wallet a little more in order to open her legs. This is a good range to take a hoe for wings if you’re a fan. Not only will you be able to focus your attention on the multiple TVs showing sports in case the dinner isn’t going well, but you’ll also be able to scope her tongue technique as she licks any excess sauce off of her fingers.

• 8-9 Rating- This is where you don’t want to make a mistake. If you’ve come this far, and are taking out a highly-rated girl, you don’t want to seem cheap, but at the same time, you don’t want to splurge before you splooge. With a girl this attractive, you won’t be afraid to be seen with her, so a popular, albeit boring location, is acceptable. Chili’s, Olive Garden (Get her full on unlimited salad and breadsticks!) and Applebees are all possibilities, and also give you a decent chance of having a waitress better looking than your hoe if you so please. This way, it seems casual, you don’t look poor, and you can have decent food. I don’t recommend taking a hoe to your favorite restaurant, for fear of running into her in the future after you are done with her, it could get messy, and you could have to give up your favorite spot.

• 10 Rating- This is the only time that I will condone taking a girl out for a nice meal. If the girl is a certified dime, you can, if you’re in the mood for it, take her out for sushi. The reason I reserved sushi for a dime was to ensure that your sushi will be the only thing smelling fishy, and not your date’s vagina. While you should be careful not to overspend, most girls realize that a sushi date is special, and will try not to order too much. On occasion they will be satisfied/full with just a few pieces off of your plate. A good sushi dinner for two can be had for under $30-40, and you’ll be full, the girl will be honored, and your chances of smashing will increase tenfold. Be careful though; keep the sushi dinner in your back pocket only for girls who are worthy, you don’t want to show your best card in an unnecessary situation!

Remember though, some hoes may be so happy that they have been taken out for dinner that they will offer to pay in some cases. To keep this possibility open without asking openly, when the check comes, excuse yourself to the bathroom for a second, and if you come back and the bill is paid, act surprised by her sweetness and have yourself a win/win situation. Free sushi and free sex? I don’t think it gets much better than that.

How To Pull Hoes: Back To School Edition (Don't Flunk Trying To Fuck)

So, school is starting back up, and your surplus of summer hoes have left you, and you have to start a new. Don’t worry, the start of a semester is the perfect time to find a slut.

1. School Supply Shopping- Sure, shopping for school supplies doesn’t seem like the most exciting thing in the world, but you can liven it up by buying a few items that may come in handy..

Ruler- This is pretty obvious, right? You can even buy one of the mini rulers, or use a centimeter stick instead. After all, mathematical conversion aren’t exactly a hoe’s strong point, so when you say that your dick is 16 centimeters long, you can imagine how excited the hoe might be! Also good for measuring things in math class, such as, well, whatever you might do in math class.

Hole Puncher- Everyone is going to need to put holes in their papers eventually, though, if you’re doing your job right, you will be punching her hole yourself, no assistance needed!

Post-It Notes- These come in handy when you need to remind yourself of something in the future. Whether it be for a paper that you have due at the end of the week, or if you think you’re going to forget a hoe’s name after sex, just write it on a post it note, stick it on her forehead, and you have nothing to fear!

Those are just a few, I’m sure you’ll find practical uses for plenty of other school supplies if you try hard enough to implement them into the bedroom! (Disclaimer: White out cannot erase mistakes made with fat girls)

2. Picking Your Classes- This is a tough one, because you don’t want to build a schedule based solely around hoes, so you have to a have a steady balance of bitches and buddies. Avoid sausage fest classes like woodshop (Unless you like your A’s as easy as you like your hoes), because the only wood getting any attention in that class will be what you’re working on. Perhaps a cooking class would suit you better, and scope out the girls who make the best cookies. A hoe skilled with dough is a real plus. But if you don’t get a favorable schedule, it’s no big deal, there will be hoes in all of your classes. Unless of course you go to an all-boys school, in which case, err, I’m so sorry.

3. The First Day- A nerve-racking one indeed, you can make or break yourself on the first day. Don’t be too friendly, but don’t be too much of a loner or else you’ll be alone, stuck with your boner.

- If you aren’t careful, and offer to carry a girl’s books, she may offer to carry your child. First day pregnancies are no good!

- Sit in the back of the classroom whenever you can, it leaves the best opportunity for fooling around while there is schooling around.

- Most importantly, don’t show up to class before everyone else, you don’t want to be known around the school as “the guy who comes too early”.

More than anything, don’t be awkward, don’t try too hard to be cool, and don’t trip on the stairs, and you’ll have an advantage over most of the other guys.

I’ll check in later in the week and see if I can’t assign some HOE-mwork for you guys.

When NOT To Pull Hoes...

Most people like pulling hoes, that is a well-known fact, but that doesn't mean that you should devote all of your time and energy to pull a hoe, that would be silly. If you head to a party with the sole intention of pulling a hoe, either you have blue balls, or you are far too reliant on busting nuts. Hoes should be the icing on the cake of a party, not the cake itself (and no, just because hoes are the icing, that doesn't mean you should lick your fingers after you put your hands in the cake, that could turn out badly).

All i'm saying, is that don't build your night around pulling a hoe unless they are top notch, or it's a really lame party. There are times when pulling hoes works out perfectly, and then there are times when you should forget the hoes and do something else. Here is a list of the times when you should definitely NOT be focusing on pulling hoes.

• While Running The Beer Pong Table- It's a well known fact that hoes love athletes, it's been evident all throughout middle school, high school, college, shit, just look at all the pro athletes who have gotten in trouble because of hoes. If Ben Roethlisberger would have been running a beer pong table, there is no way that he could have been in the bathroom raping that hoe. Beer pong keeps you from being a rapist, Big Ben has proven this point twice!
  
  That being said, if you're on the pong table, and you're undefeated, or have a nice win streak going, you have no reason whatsoever to leave to pursue a hoe. They have probably already flocked to the cock to witness the display of dominance. Now all you have to do is recruit them to do your work for you; getting beers to fill up the cups, refilling the water cup, blowing on the balls for good luck, and maybe even showing their boobs to distract the other team. (Once a girl is willing to show her boobs to your enemy in order to assist you, you know you have her pulled).
  
  If you're really good, just pull her while you're ponging , and even get your pong partner in on the fun. Let's say you maybe want to run train on some hoe watching the pong, just nonchalantly announce to the hoe; "Hey hoe, look at this, same cup", and then proceed to sink the same cup as your teammate and ask her if she'd like to turn this "BP" into some "DP".
  
  
• While Watching A Sporting Event- Sometimes, you may show up to a party, and there will be a game on, and you'll sit down to watch it. As a connoisseur of both sports and hoes, I have to say that watching a good game is favorable to pulling a good hoe. The suspense, uncertainty and excitement of sports is tough to find in hoes, after all, there is no overtime or last second game-winning shots in the game of pulling hoes.
  
  Once the hoes notice that you have chosen sports over them, they will try to find a way to seduce you away from the television and into their vagina, DO NOT GIVE IN! They may start by just saying their own 'That's What She Said"s to the commentary. "They need to go deeper if they expect to score", "They just pounded that one in there while nobody was looking", "Almost the whole team got in on that one!", etc... You know the hoes are desperate when they're calling there own TWSS's, but you cannot give in. After all, I think halftime was actually invented as an intermission for insertion, so just smash at the half if you must!
  
  
• While On a Beer Run- This is the most unforgivable sin of them all; focusing on a bitch when you should be focusing on beer. No good will ever come from this happening. If a hoe tags along, she'll probably be all touchy-feely, asking for you to buy her some Mike's Hard Lemonade, when everyone knows damn well she just want some hard cock.
  
  Refrain from spitting game until after the beer has been successfully purchased, and then return to the party a hero. Because if something comes up, and you get distracted by dicking some hoe down, the corner store closes, and you miss out on beer, you have pretty much singlehandedly ruined the night, cockblocked all of your friends, and you suck. Just by buying the beer, you've been the best wingman your friends could ask for, don't let a hoe ruin that.
  
  
• While Playing Edward 40 Hands- It is just impractical. You have two 40s taped in your hands, and your racing to finish them. You won't be able to grab any titties, and you'll basically just miss out on some of the best parts of a hoe.
  
  After all, what is the point in pulling a hoe if you can't high five your friends afterwards!?
  
  
• While Smoking a Blunt- This is the mistake that I see more often than any other, dudes who let hoes jump in on their blunt in hopes of hoes letting them, in turn, jump in their cunt. Do not waste dro on a hoe. If you're going to let a hoe in on a blunt, make sure you receive equal compensation. If you're going to let her in on your hotbox, she better let you in HER hotbox! If she wants to get blown, she has to blow.
  
  

Of course, these aren't the only times that pulling hoes isn't practical, but I think these are the ones that people most commonly make mistakes with. We all love the satisfaction that comes with pulling a new hoe, but make sure that it doesn't stop you from doing the things you need to.

Bros before hoes.
Blunts before hoes.
Beer run before hoes.

Keep pullin'.

Should I Break A Sweat On My Mission To Bust A Nut?

I'm sure there have been times when you're sitting at a party, or at some sort of shindig, scoping the room for penetration possibilities, and you have asked yourself... "Should I break a sweat on my mission to bust a nut?" And the answer is an overwhelming NO!

The perspiration-to-penetration ratio should ALWAYS be in your favor.

That being said, if you're going after more than one hoe at a time, or if you're going after an unconquered summit of sluttiness, a few beads of sweat are allowed, but you should never be drenched in pursuit of a wench.

The only towel that should be used while your with a hoe should be used to wipe up semen, not sweat.

Last but not least, NEVER pull a muscle while trying to pull a hoe. They might get the idea that they are worth chasing after, when in reality, we all know that 'hoes, they come they go'...

So now you're asking, "If I can't overexert myself for a hoe, what can I do to pull them that burns the least calories?"

• Offer to get them a drink, but only if it is already in your hand, or if you're within reaching distance of the fridge. If possible, recruit another hoe to bring you AND your aforementioned hoe a beverage, shucks, tell her she can even get one for herself!
  
  
• While it is alright to explore the house for a possible target, you should never be in a rush. After all, when the clock strikes midnight, all the girls who were already hoes won't magically switch back to respectable girls. (That doesn't happen until the sun comes up. So be sure that they go down on you before the sun rises on you both.)
  
  
• Let's say that a hoe wants you to fight for her and her pride, respectfully decline, or offer to play Rock, Paper, Scissors instead. If the hoe is upset that you didn't fight for her honor, remind her that the only honor you are familiar with is cumming on-her (honor). Plus, if you are victorious in your R,P,S endeavors, she should be happy, it is a sign that you know what to do with your hands/fingers!
  
  
• Offer to participate in activities that don't take much movement, such as volunteering to sit there while she fellationates you. What girl wouldn't be flattered that you'd offer to sit still for so long while they got there exercise for the day!
  
  
• Save your breath for later, don't even waste your energy on words. Text the girl instead, even if you're sitting right next to her. If she has the nerve to ask you why you are texting her while she is sitting right next to you, just tell her that she took your breath away and you are speechless. This will make her blush, and increase your chances of seeing her bush, tenfold.
  
  

• Don't waste any more time, ask her if she'd like to go for a walk, and she will most likely oblige. But once you get up, start walking towards the nearest bedroom or vacant room for vaginal roaming. Once you pass it, tell her that you have sprained your ankle. Be sure to make it believable, your ow! face should slightly resemble your oh! face in order to convince her that you've really hurt yourself. Enter aforementioned room so that she can tend to your injury, and you are home free. After all, if a girl is willing to rub your ankle, why wouldn't she rub your penis too, they are both bony body parts, it would be dick-scrimination if she were to refuse.
  
  

There you go, no need to get yourself all worked up and work too hard for a run-of-the-mill hoe. Improvise my plan where needed and fit it to your own style in order to ensure it's success.

Stay strapped and always remember, hoes are like tug-o-war, keep pulling hard, and eventually you'll have success.

Two Girls/One Bed, What Must Be Done To Ensure a Threesome?

We've all (well, those of us with good game and good luck) been in a situation where a threesome could happen if you play your cards right. I'll try to give a few tips to make sure it works out right (one ball for each girl and sharing the shaft)...

Sharing A Bed- Let's say that you're in bed with two girls, but it is just a little bit awkward because they both want the dick but don't want to share... This could be looked at as quite a wonderful dilemma, because most likely you'll end up with at least one of them when it is all said and done.

1. Let's say you're just sitting in bed, sitting in an awkward silence, the tension making conversation tough. Just pipe up out of nowhere and break the silence, saying "Hey, you know what my favorite number is? 3! Such an awesome number, don't you guys agree? EVERYTHING is better in 3s!" Then check their reactions, and work from there.
   
   
2. If you happen to have a deck of cards near you, grab them and tell the girls that you're about to do a magic trick. Deal three cards "randomly", one to you, and one to each of the girls, and tell them to flip them on the count of THREE. Then you all magically flip over threes, but you have the three of hearts! Act amazed and point out how unlikely it was to all flip the same card, perhaps it is fate even!
   
   
   
   If none of those plans have worked yet, either you have really shy threesome-participants, or they are terrible at picking up on hints. At this point, you need to choose one to make the other jealous, hopefully leading to the promise land.
   
   
3. Get under the covers and pretend that you are going to sleep, and start playing footsie with both girls, but don't make it obvious. Eventually, just move your feet out of the way, and let the two girls play footsie with each other, and see where that goes (NOTE: this only works well if both girls have foot fetishes, or are stupid enough to not realize that they are now toeing a much more feminine foot..)
   
   
4. Say that you're going to take a shower, and leave something in the room that you're going to end up needing. When you're in the bathroom ready to hop in, just yell out if somebody can bring in your (enter random item here) and see which girl volunteers to do it. Usually, the girl who is more eager for the dick will jump up quickly and retrieve your item for you. This is where you get to make a choice, are you satisfied with just one of the girls, or do you yell back out for another item, and see if the other girl can bring it for you? "hey, i left my blowjob in the room, can you bring it to me?" Usually works pretty well.
   
   
5. Well now you're running out of time, the two hoes pussies have probably dried up because of too much foreplay (or should I say, threeplay? ha!). You're going to need to make a move quickly, and you only have one chance.
   
   Just grab both of their hands and just put them on your dick to coerce them into what you'd like. I mean, the worst case scenario if you do that, would be the two girls playing thumb war around your dick, and the winner gets it. That doesn't sound bad at all, does it? (Just make sure they don't patty cake between your penis, that could be painful)
   
   
6. LAST, but not least, the ultimate way to get a threesome started. I would have mentioned it earlier, but I feel as though it is unfair. Never Have I Ever... I feel that when you combine NHIE + alcohol + hoes, it is almost automatic. A few questions in, girls are usually naked, and once you say "Never have I ever had a threesome" there is a 75% chance that everyone in the room is about to add that one to their list... So if you are about to give up, and you decide that you really need this trifecta for your erecta, start the game and bask in it's whore-y glory.
   
   
   

By now, if the two girls have been able to refrain from riding you, they are either too shy for it to ever happen, or just want you out of the room so they can have lesbian fun. If that is the case, you are terrible at choosing threesome partners, you may want to hand out applications next time to ensure that you don't end up with such prudes...

Summer Is Coming, Will You Be Too?

During the summer, the temperatures rise, and if you’re lucky, hoes will be wearing minimal clothing. But of course, just because they are wearing less doesn’t mean they have somehow become easier to seduce. On the contrary, hoes get stingy when they get sweaty, so get ready.

In a perfect world, there would be plenty of hoes to go around for all of us, especially during the summer when living is easy. Sadly though, that is not the case, so I’m here to help you, so that hopefully, you can pull a hoe and mix your semen with her sweat when she is wet.

First off, during the summer, there are always going to be more people around, including cockblockers and ugly friends. So you will need to find a niche in order to get a bitch.

1. A pool. The easiest way to attract hoes to your area, is with a nice pool for them to cool down. Of course, the nicer the pool, the higher-class the girl you will end up with, including a correlation between water-depth and female rating. 10 foot pool, complete with diving board? You will be looking at pulling a certified dime, and maybe even twins. BUT, if you’re working with an inflatable kiddie-pool, you’re probably going to find yourself swimming with a girl so fat that she’ll drain the pool of water when she steps in.

When you’re around the pool, there are plenty of props you can use to guage how interested a certain target may be. Does she seem eager to play with the pool noodle? Well there you go, she is just roleplaying, daydreaming of your dick while she is diving in the deep end. Another sign of possible willingness to wax your wang would be chicken-fighting. Of course, if she wants to chicken fight, there is nothing wrong with that. But if you two are alone, and she still tries to mount your shoulders for seemingly no reason, she may just be dry humping your neck. (now that’s a real humpback, ha)….


2. A six-pack. Obviously, you’re going to want to be comfortable in the heat, so you may be taking off your shirt from time to time. This is the time where being in shape comes in handy the most. If you take your shirt off, and your looking like Channing Tatum, it’s almost guaranteed that you will have eyes and hands all over you. Of course, if you don’t have washboard abs, you’re going to need to carry your own 6-pack arounds. Because if there is one thing that hoes like more than fit dudes, it is free alcohol. Also, keep in mind, that regardless of how fit a guy is, your amount of beers can/will always surpass his amount of abs. If you want a real advantage, just bust out a thirty pack to put his six to shame, and you will steal a hoe so quickly the guys abs will be moist with his tears.


3. An empty house. During the summer, most hoes waste there days, trying to figure out what they are going to do that night. They will usually sit at popular hipster coffee houses, or try to find the nearest empty house to plan probable penis penetration. If you have your own apartment/house, or even if your parents are gone during the day, you have an advantage. You can start the intoxication/swimming early, and have a hoe-pulled early enough so that she can go down on you in synchronization with the sun. Talk about convenient!


4. Separate friend groups. When summer arrived, everybody had big plans about branching out, meeting new people, and expanding the horizons of hoe-pulling. But usually, that doesn’t work out, and you stay around the same group so long you can keep give a detailed description of the dicks that girls have taken through the years. A sort of scrapbook of sluttiness.

But if you are able to branch out on your own and bring new people into the group, you can increase the number of possible targets. Plus, you can bring outside hoes in to alleviate the pressure, and perhaps distract everyone while you pull a girl you may have had your eye on. While this is still an experimental procedure, I have seen positive results from it. Just make sure that you don’t accidentally lose all your hoes from the other group AND miss out on what you wanted from the original group.

AND IF ALL ELSE FAILS…


5. Vacation. So, you were having trouble pulling hoes in your hometown? Don’t lose hope, hop a train or plane and go and find yourself a long-distance dame. After all, nobody there will know who you are, and you have a clean slate. Even better, if you accidentally fuck an ugly hoe, you can just end your vacation and come back home, and nobody here will know anything about it. You can return refreshed, with improved confidence, and perhaps while you were gone, hoes will have missed you enough to give you a welcome home handjob!


Hopefully this all helped a bit, and you will be able to start the summer off right with a nice a bang (get it? Ha!).

Good luck getting lucky.

Emergency Tips in Times of Hoe-Pulling Desperation...

If you ever think that you’re at a disadvantage, and need something extra to pull some hoes, I have just the tips for you. So, you don’t have much game, you’re shy, or you basically don’t know what hoes enjoy? Don’t worry, I have a few steps, that if followed correctly, will lead to your pulling of aforementioned hoes…


1. Hidden beers- Ever see a party at 2 AM where hoes are on a treasure hunt around the house looking for the last drops of alcohol left in the house? Well if you plan ahead, and keep a secret surplus of beer, you will put yourself into a much better position to penetrate. Even beers which would normally be unacceptable to drink in public, (Milwaukee’s Best, Bud Ice, Schlitz, etc) now become currency in the hoe-marketplace, and you’re looking like an entrepreneur of entering pussy…

2. A good, comfortable sleeping location- At the end of the night, when you’re getting ready to lay down in order to sleep off all the light beer and cheap liquor in your system, you’re going to want to find a bed or pullout couch. Because when all the hoes are passing out, none of them want to fall asleep on the floor, and will, in extreme situations trade blowjobs for bed-room. A good wingman will help you save a spot on the bed to give to the hoe, though some may call 2 men gay for sharing a bed, but you’ll get the last laugh when you’re fucking someone in a queen bed while everyone else has blue balls, and is laying in piles of puke around the house.

3. Gum/Mints- The most forgotten tool of all, you must, I repeat, MUST, carry some mints or gum with you throughout the night. Because by the time everybody is going to bed, there will be a good mix of cigarette breath, weed breath, 40 breath, and or Hummus breath. Every good wingman keeps mints with them in order to save their friend in a moment of need. Nothing dries a vagina or softens a dick quicker than halitosis.

As the night passes, and everybody loses their belongings, make sure that you're prepared! The following items, while not crucial to your mission are still important:

• Lighter
• Blanket
• Phone battery
• Toilet paper
• Friends
• Dignity (optional)

For now though, just remember: Keep a reserve of all necessary ingredients to getting fucked up, because at the end of the night, their value triples. I’ve seen people give $5 for a cigarette, half-handjobs for a hit off a blunt, and I almost saw a girl have sex for a sandwich… Hopefully that makes you think twice about packing a lunch before a party.

Although, sometimes, all you need to pull a hoe is confidence and a couple good, smooth pick-up lines.. (Of cocaine.)

Until next time, good luck and strap up.

Hoe-Pulling Profile: Dick Nuble (Name Changed To Protect a Legend)

Have you ever seen somebody who is just so cool, calm and collected around women that you can't help but get jealous? Somebody with such exceptional hoe-pulling skill that you can't understand how they do it? I've seen exactly that in one man I know, and I'm going to point out some of the ways he pulls the hoes he does...

#5- The Minor Jewfro- It takes a special person to be able to pull off the Jewfro, and this man does it with perfection, not too goofy, not too serious. During sex, hoes can't help but touch it to see how fluffy it is, and it gives just enough length for girls to hold onto while riding him. Hopefully he doesn't have a sensitive scalp. Not to mention, the jewfro adds a good 1.5 inches to his height.

#4- Fanny Pack- This man singlehandedly brought the fanny pack back from the dead. Not only that, but his fanny pack turns into a raincoat! Not only will it pull hoes for him, it will protect him from getting wet as he pulls them! While in fanny pack mode, it is perfect for holding cigarettes, money for alcohol and a good amount of condoms just in case.

#3- Lack Of Underwear- A trend that is becoming more widely accepted throughout the community, wearing jeans without underwear is this man's number one skill. He does not fear uncomfortable rashes at all, and this fearlessness serves him well in his pursuit of hoes. Hipster hoes dig it.

#2- Dual Wielding 40's- Imagine if you were playing halo, and you could dual-wield shotguns... 40's in both hands is the real life equivalent, not only do they make a damn good weapon when a herpes-hoe run towards you, you can always drink them as well. When a hoe sees a guy holding two 40s, you probably thinks two things... Number one, "oh my, he spent $5 on malt liquor? in this recession, he must be the hipster king!", and number two, "i wonder what i'll have to do to get that other 40 from him!". Either way, she'll be on her knees worshipping you in one way or another, if you know what I mean...

#1- The Mini Van- The ultimate weapon in his arsenal has to be the mini van of many vags. The most noticeable vehicle of the group, when you see it pull up, you know hoes are about to be pulled. It may not look like much from the outside, but once you get inside, you'll see why many girls have been unable to leave the van, (this may also have something to do with them being passed out). The floor of the van is covered with OE and whenever you take a sharp turn, another bottle rolls around the back right to you! Even better, if Dick Nuble ever wanted to stray from the normal hoes and roll to a different group, he'd be right at home with the soccer moms. "Oh, you need to go pick up your son from his game? Let's hop in my van". No smoother words have ever been spoken to women 35+.

Not to mention this man is just plain smooth. An up and coming beer pong player, a good taste in music, and bunk beds! Who wouldn't want to be pulled by this man?

The Temperature Is Going Down On All Of Us, And Soon The Hoes Will Too!

It is common knowledge that women are easier to come by as the weather gets colder. November and December are statistically the easiest months to pull hoes, after all, isn’t stuffing the Thanksgiving turkey just a metaphor for sex? Plus, isn't Hannukah just 8 days of dick when it comes down to it?

Opportunities to cuddle, hold hands and share blankets rise exponentially, and most of the work is already done. Cheer up, get in the holiday spirit, you’ll come away with at least one whornament to hang on your tree. I'll try to give you a few suggestions for the hoe-liday season.

Halloween- When it comes to giving candy, you need to know how to scout a hoe by the type of candy she is eating... Snickers, Milky Way, those are boring, avoid all hoes eating those. But if you see a hoe eating a butterfinger, move in! She is a fan of the long hard center and that speaks volumes about her. In addition to her, watch out for any girl eating a cadbury cream egg, as she has already had some cream in her mouth once that day, might as well make it twice. Also, while Reeses is a great candy, if you see a subpar hoe with them, you might as well take the Reeses and just say forget the girl.

Trick or treating is fun, but instead of giving out candy at your house, why not condoms and lube? Any girl who actually comes by to get some is basically asking you for it!

Which Costumed-Hoes Should You Pursue?

#1- The Maid- She is already offering to be a servant to your demands, and you haven't even asked!

#2- Sexy Nurse- A very common costume, but a safe choice nonetheless. A girl who is relatively clean and willing to kiss any booboo you may have.

#3- Playboy Bunny- Another common costume choice, you will still be with a girl with no creativity, but the costume usually accentuates the butt so you'll get a nice look if you want to put it where her tail is. After all, she knew she was going to end up bunny hopping on a cock when she picked that costume.

What Costumes To Avoid?

#1- All Disney Characters- She is either going to be too young, or has some fairy-tale idea in her head. Do you really want to have to take her to a ball and rescue her slipper before you get to slip her (the dick)?

#2- Angels- The wings on her back may be eerily similar to the loose, flapping wings you may find when you explore her vagina...

Thanksgiving and Christmas tips coming soon.

Random Hoe-Pulling Observations In Recent Interaction...

I apologize for the downtime the blog experienced, but I am back to share the knowledge with you once again. I have had a few interesting encounters recently, and i'd like to share them in order to hopefully educate you at least a bit...

• Some hoes actually like when you say that you're a creeper and/or facebook stalker. Girls with low self esteem suddenly feel important when you notify them that you have been secretly looking at their facebooks or stalking them. It's weird I know, but I suppose girls would rather be creeped on, than be an anonymous vag. If you can use this to your advantage, go ahead and give it a shot. Beware though, if tried on the wrong girl, you may have someone's mom knocking on your door...
  
  
• In a room full of 16 year old white hoes, Miley Cyrus's Party in The USA is best wingman you could ever ask for...
  
  
• The higher the quality beer you're drinking, the higher quality hoe you will pull, PROVEN FACT! If you're sipping on keystone, AKA piss, you will, most likely end up with a hoe who will offer to drink your piss. Another warning; if you're just getting with hoes who drink 40's with you, take note of the fact how well they handle that big bottle. It may be a sign that their vagina has, in the past, handled things almost as large.
  
  
• If a hoe asks you for a sip of beer, she may also asking, silently of course, for a sip of your splooge.
  
  
• Two things in the world are impossible; licking your elbow, and fucking in a Smart Car.
  
  
• Nothing improves sexual performance more than ultra ribbed condoms.
  
  
• Ever been in a hurry to gauge whether or not you think a girl has a suitably clean vaginal region? Take a quick check at her toes. If they are painted nicely, good to go. If she's got stubbed toes, broken nails and discoloration and/or many callouses, you're probably going to run into some discoloration and callouses down under as well.
  
  
• When drunk, remember, you don't literally PULL the hoe. That usually results in getting slapped. Although, if you can literally just pull one, you have more game than 99% of America.
  
  
• Secret trick of the day: When laying in bed behind a girl, out of nowhere, ask for a high five, but when she turns around instead of your hand she makes contact with, replace it with your penis... WARNING- Some girls high five really, really hard. : (
  

I'll be updating more often, this was just a little bit to catch you up on the game in the last few weeks.

7 Places You Don't Want To Go Hoe-Hunting!

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