Bros Before Hoes: When Is It Acceptable To Ditch For A Bitch?

Very often, we are faced with a dilemma; should we ditch our friends to chill with a girl? Or should we always be loyal to the male division of our friends. To be honest, when it comes down to a battle of sexes, the one that you can have sex with will almost always win.

This isn’t to say that you should always bail on your buds to get some butt, but in certain situations, it isn’t a bad idea.

Guaranteed nut busting with a new girl= Acceptable. Obviously, you aren’t supposed to bail on your good friends in order to go fuck, but true friends will understand, unless you’re going to fuck their girl, or the two of you have signed up for a 2-on-2 basketball tournament or something. If you have yet to slide inside this girl, and it has been established that by choosing this hoe over bros, you are guaranteed penetration, go ahead. However, the wild card here is that you should invite your friends to join you in busting this nut whenever possible. The old adage remains true, nothing build friendships more than traveling together, and in this situation, running train together is the best trip I can think of.

High-rated hoes over bros = Acceptable. This is another situation where it is acceptable to abandon your current friends in order to pursue the puss. No REAL friend is going to get mad if you disappear to go chase a fine ass dime, you just have to make sure to tell them all the details when you return. 10’s are protected under this statute, as well as 9’s. If you are approached by your friends and called a bitch for trying to go leave, they are most likely jealously cockblocking you.

Extreme drought = Acceptable. If you’re blue balls have gone from sky, to royal to navy and are now approaching a shade of purple, you are granted a pardon to penetrate. I wouldn’t even wish a dry streak on my worst enemies, so if your friends give you a hard time about bailing on them, tell them your story. Anything over 3 months without smashing, and you have reached an extreme drought and need to get your dick wet ASAP.

Retaliation desertion in hopes of insertion = Perhaps Acceptable. It happens, some dude always disappears to go be with some gal, and it isn’t always during an acceptable situation. Let’s say your best friend bailed on you last week when he was supposed to be tearing down the walls in your house, in order to tear down some girl’s wall instead. If his situation doesn’t correspond to one of the three that I mentioned above, you are now given an opportunity to do the same. Granted that it is within one week of his, and the girl you bail on him with is of equal or hotter value than his was. Bonus points (though a little grimy) if it is the same girl that he bailed on you for.

Checking something off your checklist = Perhaps Acceptable. In the grand sexual scope, we all have a checklist that we hope to accomplish before our penises become obsolete and hoes no longer have a use for us. These checklists vary in length and difficulty depending on how skilled the man thinks he is. However, if you are within reach of checking off a high-ranked goal on your checklist, it is, at times, acceptable to leave the group in order to chase it. This could include anal sex, Eiffel tower, nutting on faces, a threesome, a MILF, a prom queen, etc, all depending on your personal list. Basically anything that will give you a good story to tell your friends is acceptable, after all, they deserve to be rewarded for being so understanding.

Prudes over dudes = NOT Acceptable. We are all on a mission of jizzing, which explains, very simply, why this is a no-go. You should, under no circumstances, leave your friends in order to chill with a girl who isn’t going to give it up. Exceptions include girlfriends (but why would you be dating a prude), foreign-exchange students (cultural differences are understandable) and taking the prude away from the group in order to protect your friends. However, if you are, somehow, able to Kenyan run through a girl previously identified as prude, you are granted immunity the next time around, and given another opportunity without fear of repercussions.

These are just a few of the situations that you may encounter on your coochie quest. Remember though, money over bitches and bros before hoes still applies in most situations, so don’t make a habit of bailing.

Until next time, keep on F’ing B’s and G’ing M.

Four Loko Hoes- Where $1.69 Can Lead To A 69.

SIDE EFFECTS OF FOUR LOKO-

• Blurred Vision (& Morals)
• Chest Pain
• Blackouts
• Memory Loss
• Bubble Guts
  
  
  
  IF SUCCESSFUL, LOKO LEADS TO:
  
  
  

&

So let's say you're faced with a dilemma: You have $3, and you want some gummy worms from the corner store, but you have to get a hoe drunk... What do you do? You buy the gummy bears and stick the chick with a loko, and use that dime you get back as change to contribute to a homeless man's FourLoko Fund.

No longer must you worry about dropping dollars to get hoes to drop your drawers (unless of course she blacks out from the 'Alcoholic Gusher', in which case, you at least have another story about the serial killer known as Four Loko.) Just lift your cushions looking for couch change and end the night with a hoe leaving blouse stains!

My favorite thing to do is buy one of each flavor Four Loko, head to a party, and leave them sitting by a group of hoes. Wait for them to acknowledge the presence of the beverage, and then they will pounce. Keep a close eye on them, and whichever girl chooses your favorite flavor, pursue her, and if you happen to be rejected by the first girl, pick your second favorite flavor and work your way down the loose lineup of Loko.

If you're really looking to find yourself surrounded by easy women, you could perhaps paint your car colored-camo, put a four loko logo on, and roam the streets handing out drinks and dick to thirsty hoes all around your neighborhood. Get yourself a Loko theme song to play to let people know you're in the neighborhood, and you'll be more popular than the ice cream man in no time. Perhaps this?



I must warn you all though, pretty soon it looks as though our Loko is going to be taken off the shelf. Which means you should take advantage of it while you still can, and perhaps stockpile a few for the future. Who knows, in post-apocalyptic America, Four Loko may be the magical hoelixir and be the most precious resource on the planet.

BONUS: Four Loko Recipe Of The Week!

"Dew The Loco"

(1)- Four Loko Watermelon
(1)- Mountain Dew 20 oz.
(1)- (Hopefully) Strong Stomach Lining

Pulling Hoes: Is Eating Out Acceptable? (Cuisine, Not Cunnilingus)

Every now and then, you may have the crazy idea in your head that you should take a hoe out for dinner. Whether it be because you’re hungry, or you are trying to flatter her, there are some basic ground rules that you need to keep in mind.

NEVER spend too much money on her- There should be a correlation of some sort between her rating on a 1-10 scale, and how many dollars you spend on her meal. While it is safe to say that you shouldn’t be taking a ‘3’ out to dinner, that doesn’t mean you can’t take a girl out for a cheap dining experience.

Even I have taken a girl out and gotten her to 'bang me after Banh Mi'. Avoid places that are too cheap though, as they could lead to indigestion before insertion, and that is never good. Especially avoid CiCi’s, unless you’re taking out her cockblocking fat friend with you and you’re trying to lose her along the way. That long line of sub par pizza may very well be more exciting to her than your penis.

I’ll give a few acceptable food choices depending on the rating of the girl you’re treating.

• 1-3 Rating- The corner store usually has day old hot dogs, maybe some soggy nachos, or even a candy bar should all suffice in this situation. Though, while you’re there, you should probably do yourself a favor and buy some beer for yourself. (I hope for your sake that you’re not really going out with a girl rated this low, but if you are, I suppose you have to take her somewhere, right?)

• 4-5 Rating- Not quite condonable, somewhere cheap with poorly lit rooms would work best. You should consider a low-class Chinese buffet perhaps. (Hopefully, this will be the only pussy that you’re eating tonight, ha!) Though buffets leave you susceptible to spending too much time together, so, if possible, you should try to find a quicker meal. Studies have shown that KFC is a suitable location, as the Colonel is rarely known to cockblock. Also, neighborhood Mexican restaurants are acceptable, especially if you can get away with only giving her chips and salsa as a meal!

• 6-7 Rating- Now you’re getting into the more promising territory, so do not be afraid to open your wallet a little more in order to open her legs. This is a good range to take a hoe for wings if you’re a fan. Not only will you be able to focus your attention on the multiple TVs showing sports in case the dinner isn’t going well, but you’ll also be able to scope her tongue technique as she licks any excess sauce off of her fingers.

• 8-9 Rating- This is where you don’t want to make a mistake. If you’ve come this far, and are taking out a highly-rated girl, you don’t want to seem cheap, but at the same time, you don’t want to splurge before you splooge. With a girl this attractive, you won’t be afraid to be seen with her, so a popular, albeit boring location, is acceptable. Chili’s, Olive Garden (Get her full on unlimited salad and breadsticks!) and Applebees are all possibilities, and also give you a decent chance of having a waitress better looking than your hoe if you so please. This way, it seems casual, you don’t look poor, and you can have decent food. I don’t recommend taking a hoe to your favorite restaurant, for fear of running into her in the future after you are done with her, it could get messy, and you could have to give up your favorite spot.

• 10 Rating- This is the only time that I will condone taking a girl out for a nice meal. If the girl is a certified dime, you can, if you’re in the mood for it, take her out for sushi. The reason I reserved sushi for a dime was to ensure that your sushi will be the only thing smelling fishy, and not your date’s vagina. While you should be careful not to overspend, most girls realize that a sushi date is special, and will try not to order too much. On occasion they will be satisfied/full with just a few pieces off of your plate. A good sushi dinner for two can be had for under $30-40, and you’ll be full, the girl will be honored, and your chances of smashing will increase tenfold. Be careful though; keep the sushi dinner in your back pocket only for girls who are worthy, you don’t want to show your best card in an unnecessary situation!

Remember though, some hoes may be so happy that they have been taken out for dinner that they will offer to pay in some cases. To keep this possibility open without asking openly, when the check comes, excuse yourself to the bathroom for a second, and if you come back and the bill is paid, act surprised by her sweetness and have yourself a win/win situation. Free sushi and free sex? I don’t think it gets much better than that.

How To Pull Hoes: Back To School Edition (Don't Flunk Trying To Fuck)

So, school is starting back up, and your surplus of summer hoes have left you, and you have to start a new. Don’t worry, the start of a semester is the perfect time to find a slut.

1. School Supply Shopping- Sure, shopping for school supplies doesn’t seem like the most exciting thing in the world, but you can liven it up by buying a few items that may come in handy..

Ruler- This is pretty obvious, right? You can even buy one of the mini rulers, or use a centimeter stick instead. After all, mathematical conversion aren’t exactly a hoe’s strong point, so when you say that your dick is 16 centimeters long, you can imagine how excited the hoe might be! Also good for measuring things in math class, such as, well, whatever you might do in math class.

Hole Puncher- Everyone is going to need to put holes in their papers eventually, though, if you’re doing your job right, you will be punching her hole yourself, no assistance needed!

Post-It Notes- These come in handy when you need to remind yourself of something in the future. Whether it be for a paper that you have due at the end of the week, or if you think you’re going to forget a hoe’s name after sex, just write it on a post it note, stick it on her forehead, and you have nothing to fear!

Those are just a few, I’m sure you’ll find practical uses for plenty of other school supplies if you try hard enough to implement them into the bedroom! (Disclaimer: White out cannot erase mistakes made with fat girls)

2. Picking Your Classes- This is a tough one, because you don’t want to build a schedule based solely around hoes, so you have to a have a steady balance of bitches and buddies. Avoid sausage fest classes like woodshop (Unless you like your A’s as easy as you like your hoes), because the only wood getting any attention in that class will be what you’re working on. Perhaps a cooking class would suit you better, and scope out the girls who make the best cookies. A hoe skilled with dough is a real plus. But if you don’t get a favorable schedule, it’s no big deal, there will be hoes in all of your classes. Unless of course you go to an all-boys school, in which case, err, I’m so sorry.

3. The First Day- A nerve-racking one indeed, you can make or break yourself on the first day. Don’t be too friendly, but don’t be too much of a loner or else you’ll be alone, stuck with your boner.

- If you aren’t careful, and offer to carry a girl’s books, she may offer to carry your child. First day pregnancies are no good!

- Sit in the back of the classroom whenever you can, it leaves the best opportunity for fooling around while there is schooling around.

- Most importantly, don’t show up to class before everyone else, you don’t want to be known around the school as “the guy who comes too early”.

More than anything, don’t be awkward, don’t try too hard to be cool, and don’t trip on the stairs, and you’ll have an advantage over most of the other guys.

I’ll check in later in the week and see if I can’t assign some HOE-mwork for you guys.

When NOT To Pull Hoes...

Most people like pulling hoes, that is a well-known fact, but that doesn't mean that you should devote all of your time and energy to pull a hoe, that would be silly. If you head to a party with the sole intention of pulling a hoe, either you have blue balls, or you are far too reliant on busting nuts. Hoes should be the icing on the cake of a party, not the cake itself (and no, just because hoes are the icing, that doesn't mean you should lick your fingers after you put your hands in the cake, that could turn out badly).

All i'm saying, is that don't build your night around pulling a hoe unless they are top notch, or it's a really lame party. There are times when pulling hoes works out perfectly, and then there are times when you should forget the hoes and do something else. Here is a list of the times when you should definitely NOT be focusing on pulling hoes.

• While Running The Beer Pong Table- It's a well known fact that hoes love athletes, it's been evident all throughout middle school, high school, college, shit, just look at all the pro athletes who have gotten in trouble because of hoes. If Ben Roethlisberger would have been running a beer pong table, there is no way that he could have been in the bathroom raping that hoe. Beer pong keeps you from being a rapist, Big Ben has proven this point twice!
  
  That being said, if you're on the pong table, and you're undefeated, or have a nice win streak going, you have no reason whatsoever to leave to pursue a hoe. They have probably already flocked to the cock to witness the display of dominance. Now all you have to do is recruit them to do your work for you; getting beers to fill up the cups, refilling the water cup, blowing on the balls for good luck, and maybe even showing their boobs to distract the other team. (Once a girl is willing to show her boobs to your enemy in order to assist you, you know you have her pulled).
  
  If you're really good, just pull her while you're ponging , and even get your pong partner in on the fun. Let's say you maybe want to run train on some hoe watching the pong, just nonchalantly announce to the hoe; "Hey hoe, look at this, same cup", and then proceed to sink the same cup as your teammate and ask her if she'd like to turn this "BP" into some "DP".
  
  
• While Watching A Sporting Event- Sometimes, you may show up to a party, and there will be a game on, and you'll sit down to watch it. As a connoisseur of both sports and hoes, I have to say that watching a good game is favorable to pulling a good hoe. The suspense, uncertainty and excitement of sports is tough to find in hoes, after all, there is no overtime or last second game-winning shots in the game of pulling hoes.
  
  Once the hoes notice that you have chosen sports over them, they will try to find a way to seduce you away from the television and into their vagina, DO NOT GIVE IN! They may start by just saying their own 'That's What She Said"s to the commentary. "They need to go deeper if they expect to score", "They just pounded that one in there while nobody was looking", "Almost the whole team got in on that one!", etc... You know the hoes are desperate when they're calling there own TWSS's, but you cannot give in. After all, I think halftime was actually invented as an intermission for insertion, so just smash at the half if you must!
  
  
• While On a Beer Run- This is the most unforgivable sin of them all; focusing on a bitch when you should be focusing on beer. No good will ever come from this happening. If a hoe tags along, she'll probably be all touchy-feely, asking for you to buy her some Mike's Hard Lemonade, when everyone knows damn well she just want some hard cock.
  
  Refrain from spitting game until after the beer has been successfully purchased, and then return to the party a hero. Because if something comes up, and you get distracted by dicking some hoe down, the corner store closes, and you miss out on beer, you have pretty much singlehandedly ruined the night, cockblocked all of your friends, and you suck. Just by buying the beer, you've been the best wingman your friends could ask for, don't let a hoe ruin that.
  
  
• While Playing Edward 40 Hands- It is just impractical. You have two 40s taped in your hands, and your racing to finish them. You won't be able to grab any titties, and you'll basically just miss out on some of the best parts of a hoe.
  
  After all, what is the point in pulling a hoe if you can't high five your friends afterwards!?
  
  
• While Smoking a Blunt- This is the mistake that I see more often than any other, dudes who let hoes jump in on their blunt in hopes of hoes letting them, in turn, jump in their cunt. Do not waste dro on a hoe. If you're going to let a hoe in on a blunt, make sure you receive equal compensation. If you're going to let her in on your hotbox, she better let you in HER hotbox! If she wants to get blown, she has to blow.
  
  

Of course, these aren't the only times that pulling hoes isn't practical, but I think these are the ones that people most commonly make mistakes with. We all love the satisfaction that comes with pulling a new hoe, but make sure that it doesn't stop you from doing the things you need to.

Bros before hoes.
Blunts before hoes.
Beer run before hoes.

Keep pullin'.

Should I Break A Sweat On My Mission To Bust A Nut?

I'm sure there have been times when you're sitting at a party, or at some sort of shindig, scoping the room for penetration possibilities, and you have asked yourself... "Should I break a sweat on my mission to bust a nut?" And the answer is an overwhelming NO!

The perspiration-to-penetration ratio should ALWAYS be in your favor.

That being said, if you're going after more than one hoe at a time, or if you're going after an unconquered summit of sluttiness, a few beads of sweat are allowed, but you should never be drenched in pursuit of a wench.

The only towel that should be used while your with a hoe should be used to wipe up semen, not sweat.

Last but not least, NEVER pull a muscle while trying to pull a hoe. They might get the idea that they are worth chasing after, when in reality, we all know that 'hoes, they come they go'...

So now you're asking, "If I can't overexert myself for a hoe, what can I do to pull them that burns the least calories?"

• Offer to get them a drink, but only if it is already in your hand, or if you're within reaching distance of the fridge. If possible, recruit another hoe to bring you AND your aforementioned hoe a beverage, shucks, tell her she can even get one for herself!
  
  
• While it is alright to explore the house for a possible target, you should never be in a rush. After all, when the clock strikes midnight, all the girls who were already hoes won't magically switch back to respectable girls. (That doesn't happen until the sun comes up. So be sure that they go down on you before the sun rises on you both.)
  
  
• Let's say that a hoe wants you to fight for her and her pride, respectfully decline, or offer to play Rock, Paper, Scissors instead. If the hoe is upset that you didn't fight for her honor, remind her that the only honor you are familiar with is cumming on-her (honor). Plus, if you are victorious in your R,P,S endeavors, she should be happy, it is a sign that you know what to do with your hands/fingers!
  
  
• Offer to participate in activities that don't take much movement, such as volunteering to sit there while she fellationates you. What girl wouldn't be flattered that you'd offer to sit still for so long while they got there exercise for the day!
  
  
• Save your breath for later, don't even waste your energy on words. Text the girl instead, even if you're sitting right next to her. If she has the nerve to ask you why you are texting her while she is sitting right next to you, just tell her that she took your breath away and you are speechless. This will make her blush, and increase your chances of seeing her bush, tenfold.
  
  

• Don't waste any more time, ask her if she'd like to go for a walk, and she will most likely oblige. But once you get up, start walking towards the nearest bedroom or vacant room for vaginal roaming. Once you pass it, tell her that you have sprained your ankle. Be sure to make it believable, your ow! face should slightly resemble your oh! face in order to convince her that you've really hurt yourself. Enter aforementioned room so that she can tend to your injury, and you are home free. After all, if a girl is willing to rub your ankle, why wouldn't she rub your penis too, they are both bony body parts, it would be dick-scrimination if she were to refuse.
  
  

There you go, no need to get yourself all worked up and work too hard for a run-of-the-mill hoe. Improvise my plan where needed and fit it to your own style in order to ensure it's success.

Stay strapped and always remember, hoes are like tug-o-war, keep pulling hard, and eventually you'll have success.

Two Girls/One Bed, What Must Be Done To Ensure a Threesome?

We've all (well, those of us with good game and good luck) been in a situation where a threesome could happen if you play your cards right. I'll try to give a few tips to make sure it works out right (one ball for each girl and sharing the shaft)...

Sharing A Bed- Let's say that you're in bed with two girls, but it is just a little bit awkward because they both want the dick but don't want to share... This could be looked at as quite a wonderful dilemma, because most likely you'll end up with at least one of them when it is all said and done.

1. Let's say you're just sitting in bed, sitting in an awkward silence, the tension making conversation tough. Just pipe up out of nowhere and break the silence, saying "Hey, you know what my favorite number is? 3! Such an awesome number, don't you guys agree? EVERYTHING is better in 3s!" Then check their reactions, and work from there.
   
   
2. If you happen to have a deck of cards near you, grab them and tell the girls that you're about to do a magic trick. Deal three cards "randomly", one to you, and one to each of the girls, and tell them to flip them on the count of THREE. Then you all magically flip over threes, but you have the three of hearts! Act amazed and point out how unlikely it was to all flip the same card, perhaps it is fate even!
   
   
   
   If none of those plans have worked yet, either you have really shy threesome-participants, or they are terrible at picking up on hints. At this point, you need to choose one to make the other jealous, hopefully leading to the promise land.
   
   
3. Get under the covers and pretend that you are going to sleep, and start playing footsie with both girls, but don't make it obvious. Eventually, just move your feet out of the way, and let the two girls play footsie with each other, and see where that goes (NOTE: this only works well if both girls have foot fetishes, or are stupid enough to not realize that they are now toeing a much more feminine foot..)
   
   
4. Say that you're going to take a shower, and leave something in the room that you're going to end up needing. When you're in the bathroom ready to hop in, just yell out if somebody can bring in your (enter random item here) and see which girl volunteers to do it. Usually, the girl who is more eager for the dick will jump up quickly and retrieve your item for you. This is where you get to make a choice, are you satisfied with just one of the girls, or do you yell back out for another item, and see if the other girl can bring it for you? "hey, i left my blowjob in the room, can you bring it to me?" Usually works pretty well.
   
   
5. Well now you're running out of time, the two hoes pussies have probably dried up because of too much foreplay (or should I say, threeplay? ha!). You're going to need to make a move quickly, and you only have one chance.
   
   Just grab both of their hands and just put them on your dick to coerce them into what you'd like. I mean, the worst case scenario if you do that, would be the two girls playing thumb war around your dick, and the winner gets it. That doesn't sound bad at all, does it? (Just make sure they don't patty cake between your penis, that could be painful)
   
   
6. LAST, but not least, the ultimate way to get a threesome started. I would have mentioned it earlier, but I feel as though it is unfair. Never Have I Ever... I feel that when you combine NHIE + alcohol + hoes, it is almost automatic. A few questions in, girls are usually naked, and once you say "Never have I ever had a threesome" there is a 75% chance that everyone in the room is about to add that one to their list... So if you are about to give up, and you decide that you really need this trifecta for your erecta, start the game and bask in it's whore-y glory.
   
   
   

By now, if the two girls have been able to refrain from riding you, they are either too shy for it to ever happen, or just want you out of the room so they can have lesbian fun. If that is the case, you are terrible at choosing threesome partners, you may want to hand out applications next time to ensure that you don't end up with such prudes...