It is a New Year...Do Not Make the Same Old Mistakes.

New Years is upon us.

Now is the time to plan your 2015 resolutions. Whether it is resolving to eat less Nutella or to bust hella nuts, it is important to start the year out on the right foot. A big part of this is avoiding problematic decisions that you may have made in 2014. While it may be absurd to expect 100% perfect decision making from a often-intoxicated young adult, it is important to make it through the first few hours of the new year without embarrassing yourself.

4. Do not spend your whole night talking to hoes about how much better you're going to be in 2015.

While this may seem like an effective way to hype them up for your future self, in reality, all you are doing is setting unnecessary expectations for yourself. What if this girl had been feeling you, but you decided to share that you're going to get a six pack and invent a quicker way to peel bananas in 2015? Why would she wanna kick it with the slightly-chubby, sloppy banana peeling dude in front of her when she could wait a few months and give it a shot then?

Even worse, when you fail to live up to your expectations the following year you're in even more trouble.

Talk about how next year you're going to try to run...the pong table...more often. Or that you'll attempt to improve your friends diets by not offering them so many free shots. Humble brag away.

3. Always have a surprise surplus of alcohol to supplement the stash deep into the night.

Nobody wants to be remembered as the guy who started 2015 without having anything to drink. A very popular urban legend states (forgive me if I am incorrect, I am reciting it from a very hazy memory): "The man without a beer or Belvedere to cheers at 12 right here/shall fear and watch disappear all the rear that was so near until the next Leap Year..."

Don't be the guy who only gets to smash once every 4 years: bring  something to drink.

2. Do NOT hit up your 2014 3:58 AM booty call at any time during the night!

It happens to nearly everybody. Guys go through a cold streak after summer concludes, and they start relying on some random girl for conversation and the occasional. Now, this girl may not be altogether unattractive or some sort of top-level hoe, but for one reason or another (maybe she knocked your popsicle out of your hand one night on accident), she isn't a quality individual worth devoting your time to. New year, new rear. That's what I always say...at least just now.

Keep your options open. If you must, text your 2013 4:18 AM go-to if you most. At least when she responds "who is this?", you will have the perfect opportunity to slap yourself out of it and realize you'd be better off watching Girls Gone Wild infomercials tonight than going back to either option.

1. Do NOT make your midnight kiss a girl who just threw up.

Because all these young whippersnappers start drinking so early these days, the chances that at least one girl in your NYE setting may have just puke-burped out her 11 Vodka Cranberries increases steadily. I have seen it one too many times: guy running out of town at 11:59, starts scanning the entire room quickly and spots a wide-eyed girl chilling by the bathroom. He may think it is just fresh lipstick, but it is actually cranberry remnants on her lips. He swoops in for the kiss, and is in for a rude surprise. 

To avoid hurl girl: just spark a blunt at midnight and live happily as the Swisher Kisser.

5 Ways Not to Pull Hoes While Sitting Next to Them... (Especially at Poison Girl)

Tonight, I was fortunate enough to witness one of the most unsuccessful attempts at pulling a hoe I have seen in my long, fruitful life.

While spending some time with my favorite animal (a White Owl) and overlooking the happenings over at Poison Girl, I spotted a fellow struggling to advance upon a lady who was yelling about butt muffin bums. I, personally, had never dealt with any butt muffin bums before, so I was listening intently to her description (somebody who can't make it in New Orleans, I guess).

During that conversation though, I witnessed 5 of the worst attempts at making a move (if you can even call it that) I have ever seen a dude try. So I present to y'all: The 5 Ways NOT to Pull Hoes While Sitting with Them

5. The "reach-around-her-sneakily-to-put-your-arm-around-her-while-holding-a-beer trick". 

While this a tried-and-true technique, it becomes difficult to pull off when you have a brand new beer in your hand. In the case of tonight's case study, he didn't even get his arm halfway around her before he poured the beer down the back of her shirt. While this may have a 5-10% success rate in attempting to get a girl to take her shirt off, in this situation it had a 0% shot of success at not pissing her off. Well, at least he can go buy her a drink (as he needs one of his own now) to make up for it, right? No...

4. Argue with the girl about her buying you a drink since I guess you're broke.

Rather than atone for his accidentally wetting her, this fellow decided that he should try to score a free drink out of it. However, this lady had had probably earned free drinks from far too many dudes tonight to fall for that. Eventually he agreed to buy her some wells whiskey (which I shouldn't be able to hear from patio, but damn did she love to scream, :wells?! UGHHHHHH". He eventually came back WITHOUT her drink, and just sat down like he never agreed to buy her anything...

This was actually a player-ass move that I will have to try someday, but it didn't work in this situation, as she stormed away to buy her own drink. Eventually she returned, and that's when our research subject tried to unsuccessful,

3. Pretend to wipe off her seat for her before she sits down, and then leave your hand there so she sits on it.

While this move can be pulled off in a few different manners, this guy made one crucial mistake: he left two fingers pointing up so she would sit on them and he could go digging for gold, errr pink, when she did.

When somebody accidentally sits on your hand, you can pull it away without causing problems as long as you limit yourself to one butt grab and apologize for the inconvenience. This guy went the exact opposite route, and decided not to try to be stealthy. Thus, when she sat on his hand and he wiggled his fingers, there was no amount of apologizing that could do. But, of course, she is chopped up and her judgement is extremely impaired right now, so she will probably let him slide, right? Nah, because deciding to sniff his fingers right after doing so probably didn't improve his chances of coitus or probability of pussy very much at all.

But every situation can become suck-cessful if a dude can step up his game. And the man's next move may have finally saved him... Not.

2. Stand up for no reason and stand directly next to her with your dick at eye-level, rocking back and forth.

This was a risky chance taken by this guy, and he had to know that it wasn't going to end well. But you have to applaud this guy's persistence with terrible ideas: it takes heart! And no game...

But with this move, he knew that she would be forced to look into his loins and inevitably imagine intercourse. Either that or she would gasp as loud I have ever heard, and put her cigarette out on the dudes pants. Luckily pants are flame-retardant, while this dude was just retarded.

By this time, it is getting late, and the dude realizes that he has just failed miserably four times in a row. He wasted a beer, something fishy AND fucked up his jeans. He knows that it will take an act of genius or an act of God to get this girl on top of him, but this man isn't a quitter. He thinks of the most-unresistable moves in hoe-pulling history:

1. Knock her phone out of her hand, grab her forearm, and pull her over to you as forcefully as you can--while simultaneously knocking over her drink as well (Bye wells whiskey!).

Ahh, yes, the one move that not only exhibits the strength you have gained from steroid use, but also the weaknesses you have with opposite-sex interaction. Plus, if this dude broke her phone, now he can offer to buy her a new one and make her choose a phone number, ensuring that he has the number. Although, knowing this guy, as we saw him when it came time to buy a drink, he would probably offer to buy her a flip phone and the 100 minutes/500 texts plan.

As he pulled her however, she held her ground, dropping just her drink and phone, while holding onto her dignity).

Our guy was obviously dejected, and i'm guessing flaccid. But he knew when to finally give up on his voyage for vagina. So he stood up and said it was nice talking to her and walked away... Not before standing there for another 30 seconds with his wiener at her eye-level though...

And that concludes the greatest case-study in cockblocking one's self that I have ever witnessed.

Do the exact opposite of what this guy did, and you may very well pull the hoe of your dreams tomorrow. And if not, just go to Poison Girl tomorrow and people watch. It will make you feel better about your social skills...

4 New Years Res-HOE-lutions for 2014

With the arrival of a New Year comes the arrival of new hoes, or rather, old hoes trying to act brand new (and much less hoe-like). Because such a valiant attempt is being made by these women to act in a much more reserved, responsible, and less reckless manner, it is necessary for men to recognize this change and adapt their own techniques and personalities accordingly. So I present to you the three most important New Years’ Reshoelutions that a man can make/follow to increase their chances of success with these suddenly-enlightened females.

4. Allow women to be as independent as they'd like.

Don’t be afraid to let a hoe who wants to be more “independent” take you out from time to time, or even purchase the drinks for a night. If it comes down to it, offering to go Dutch (especially on a Dutch Master) makes you look supportive, gentlemanly, and not completely like an ass.

3. Change your dating habits in order to suit their new years’ diets.

As the New Year hits, many girls decide that they’d like to start a new diet and get back into great shape. While this seems like it may be rather expensive for a man to accommodate (after all, Whole Foods is much more expensive than the taquitos and tamales in the lunchline at Fiesta), it really isn’t. If a girl decides that she wants to eat green in the New Year, feel free to take her on a picnic in a grassy park. When she opens the picnic basket and realizes that it is empty, tell her to look around at all the grass surrounding the two of you, and to consider it “Nature’s personal all-you-can-eat buffet”.

2. Change your sexual maneuvers in order to suit their new year’s workout plans.

While many girls want to improve their diet at the start of 2014, an equal amount have promised themselves that they will work out more often to obtain the body of their dreams this year. Don’t be afraid to use this to your advantage. Be more willing to tell a girl to get on her knees when you’re alone, and if she gets mad at you, just tell her that you wanted her to get into push-up form and you’re willing to lead her towards her perfect physique.

In addition, working out with your female companion can lead to many more opportunities for joint showers. Not to mention, increased flexibility...

1. Change the way that you text.

It is a well-known fact that girls love men with an accent. However, very few of us actually have legitimate accents (shoutout to all my foreign friends though), so we must work with what we have. So in the New Year, men should make an effort to use more random accents, umlauts and squigglies whenever possible while you are texting. After all, doesn’t “ÿõů fîňę ğiŕł” look much more cultured than “you fine girl”? Go forth and be cultured. I have faith in you all.

NOTE- If you are still working with a phone that can’t make that happen, you can attempt to try to use numbers and symbols instead and hope that the girl you’re talking to thinks you are speaking some exclusive new language. “y()u f!n3 g|rl”.

I hope everybody had a successful holiday break and that 2014 is your luckiest one yet.