The Wide Range of Hoes In the World...

The number one mistake that most men make in the world of hoes, is grouping. They think that every hoe is the same, and you can use the same game on all of them, that is terribly wrong, and can have disastrous results at times. You need to recognize all the different types of hoes, and kick game at them accordingly... Below is a brief rundown and description of each type of hoe...

The Lightweight Drinking Hoe- This is a hoe that most people will encounter quite often, because it is a common problem among all women, not just the promiscuous ones. When a normal girl gets drunk, they get 33% more hoe-ish on average, but when a hoe gets trashed, her hoe-percentage skyrockets to optimum levels. When she was sober, she had a little bit of morals and wouldn't just allow anything inside her vagina, but when given a few mixed drinks, the very flimsy vaginal shield she once had is now nowhere to be found.

How To Slide Inside- If you plan on getting with the Light Drinking Hoe, all you really need to do is wait until 10:30 at any party, keep a few reserve beers in your pocket, and not have any serious facial deformations, a functioning penis, and you should be in!

Difficulty Rating- 5/10 before drunk, 2/10 when hammered.

The Hoe Who Fakes Drunk- Not to be confused with the LDH, the Hoe Who Fakes Drunk is a common visitor or parties all around the land. At first, it may be difficult to differentiate between the two, but with my help, you will be able to point out the faker in no time.

First, notice that upon arrival, she has a certain drink in her hand, yet when you see her 45 minutes later, she still has the same drink, that is a dead giveaway. Also, when first initiating conversation with aforementioned hoe, her speech patterns may change drastically when the subject of penis is first broached. She may have been speaking just fine earlier, but once the cock enters the conversation, you'll notice that she starts slurring her speech more; "oh, you play furtball? how serxy". She may then start stumbling when walking, and end up bumping into you and accidentally grazing your penis more often as well, but do not be afraid. A girl pretending to be drunk to obtain the treasured man-trunk is even easier than one who is actually drunk! But if you don't feel comfortable fucking a sober girl, just offer to go shot for shot with her. Be sure to avoid doing this by any sinks, plants or windows to ensure that she doesn't throw it somewhere...

How To Slide Inside- Ignore her poor attempts at being hammered, and just accept her for what she is; a hoe who would enjoy you inside her. It doesn't take much, especially if she has already shown interest, a song by 3oh!3, Britney Spears, or anything along those lines will probably push her over the edge and have you laid in no time.

Difficulty Rating- The easiest of all known hoes (excluding the passed out ones, but i do not condone that sort of hoe, sorry), if there is a girl pretending to be drunk to have sex with you, she's either extra hoe-ish, or you're just irresistible. Either way, high five! 1/10

The Hoe Who Was Left Alone While Her Best Friend Goes and Fucks- This is personally one of my favorites, because it means that another guy is getting lucky at the same time as you, and if you planned it right, it could be your best friend! When first meeting this hoe, you need to be sympathetic, give her not just a penis to suckle on, but also a shoulder to cry on, because she is really hurting, her best friend is getting optimum meat, while she has to settle for you. At the beginning of the night, she may not have even been a hoe, but due to the circumstances, she is in desperate need of love, and she won't stop until she has achieved it, so that she doesn't feel fat and ugly when she talks to her friend later.

How To Slide Inside- If you plan on double teaming on her best friend with your best friend, you're going to need a Grade-A wingman to ensure that the plan goes as planned. After that, all you need to give her is positive reinforcement, tell her that she is much better looking than her friend, and whoever would pick her over you must be blind, or not have the confidence to handle such a top-notch woman.

Difficulty Rating- Depending on how depressed she is over the loss of her friend, she may be just as easy as the fake-drunk, but it depends on how late in the night it is getting. She may hold out hope for a better guy, or her friend to return, telling her that she didn't even fuck him. But when time is running out, she'll reach out for the nearest guy, and take him to any available room, make sure that guy is you! 4/10

The Serial Hoe- These are quite common in every social circle, and they are also the one that you only want to resort to in the most dire of situations. This is the girl that has already hooked up with, and or had sex with 75% of your male friends, and probably 25% of your female friends as well. Every night, she only has one goal; find a new guy to hook up with. If she doesn't have success with a new guy, she will have to go back and hook up with a guy who was good in the past though, so if you hook up with her once, you will always have her in your back pocket.

Her techniques vary from night to night, but usually she is decently attractive, has no curfew and is always down for a good time, alcohol, and penis. She is the girl that you will never see unless in passing at school, or at a party. No casual hanging out, and if you're lucky, she never ends up at your house, because she will eat all your food. This type of hoe is most often encountered during the summer, and by the end of the summer, she will have hooked up with everybody in the group, so if you haven't been one of the chosen few, then your chances increase dramatically with each passing day. Just be patient, and if you really want her, you will have her at some point.

How To Slide Inside- If you have patience, a few redeeming qualities, confidence, and are somewhere near alcohol, you always have a good shot. But if you are in a rush, and want to make it happen in one night, just make sure to go to a party with only people she has already hooked up with, and perhaps had bad experiences with. If you are the last uncharted territory in the room, you're in!

Difficulty Rating- 3/10, but with time, easily a 1/10.

The Underclass Hoe- Whenever you go to parties often, you will realize that there are always young hoes hiding in the woodwork, trying to get some work from the wood. They are generally 2-3 years younger than the majority of people, and if you aren't careful, they might not be legal for some of you. They have aspirations of getting with an older guy, and will stop at nothing to accomplish their goal. They may not be up front about their age, so if you have morals, this may not be the hoe for you. Don't be surprised if friends laugh at you for it later, and if strangers think you're a creeper. BUT, if you want it that badly, i doubt you mind.

How To Slide Inside- You need to lack morals, not look too old, and most importantly in most situations, DO NOT be friends with her older siblings. THOUGH, some hoes will actually see that as a plus, so you never know. A car is definitely important, as why would anyone want to hook up with an older guy without a car? Doesn't make much sense. A source of alcohol is also important, the youngsters are always the moochers.

Difficulty Factor- Just because she wants an older guy doesn't mean she will settle for a lame one, you still need to have some game. 6/10

The About To Go To College And Wants To Have Memories Hoe- This is what us guys in the hoe-business call a "Seasonal Hoe". You will only encounter her at the end of summer, but her level of hoe has reached all time highs, especially on the last night of summer, she will be on a mission to get multiple dicks, and if you don't mind fucking the mayonnaise jar, you will have a good shot at pulling her. If you and your friends plan on making a going-away porno or something along those lines, this is always a safe bet for ending summer with a bang.

How To Slide Inside- Subtly compliment her for a few weeks, just building up for the last night, make sure you get there early so you can keep tracks of how many people she has gotten with and give yourself more time to get with her yourself. This is the most disgusting of the girls, but on the last night of summer, you're probably looking for some memories too. Make sure you have plenty of alcohol to last all night, because this could easily overrun into the morning and give EVERYONE a chance at her.

Difficulty Rating- If she knows who you are before the night starts, you have a wonderful chance of wooing her, and shit, even if you just met her, you may have one as well. Anything can happen on the last night of summer, just don't fuck it up by getting drunk too early and throwing up, that is the only thing that could ruin your chances. 2/10

The Hoe Who Just Lost Her Virginity And Is Now Going On A Spree- This is the only hoe that I have any remorse for, because I understand the feeling of losing your virginity. If she had a poor experience, she may be on a spree hoping to have a good experience that validates giving it up, or if she enjoyed it, she may have just been convinced to be a hoe, either way, she is fair game if you would like to pursue her. Her self esteem may be low, or she may just realize she needs to make up for lost time.

How To Slide Inside- For the most part, it is hard to judge this particular type of hoe, because her motives haven't been completely revealed. We know that she wants somebody to please her though, so if you are a skilled lover, and she hears about it, your chances improve drastically. In conversation slip in some tidbit like; "I gave her 4 orgasms, it was alright I guess"...

Difficulty Factor- A hoe that is new to the game doesn't know all the hoe tricks, so she may be more susceptible to the game you bust out on her. She is ignorant to the ways of promiscuity, so this is your chance to get her while she's young, and clean! 5/10

That is the set of hoes that most men will run into in their endeavors, but don't worry, there are plenty more I will document over time. Honorable mention to the following hoes below though...

• The "I Just Lost a Lot of Weight Hoe"...
• The Hoe Who Just Got Out Of a Long Relationship
• The Hoe Who Just Wants To Get Laid As Much As Her Slutty Mom
• The Hoe Who Wants Interracial Hookups
• The Hoe Who Fucks Everyone In a Group and Then Disappears
• The Hoe Who Pokes Everyone On Facebook to Find Willing Guys

Until next time guys, remember... Heartbreak is better than Herpes...

Jealousy Is a Female Trait...

It has recently come to my attention that men all around the world are jealous of other men who happen to get more women than themselves... Do you know what I say to this? Fuck it.

If you are vaginally-challenged, you just need to lower your standards, because somewhere in the world, there is a woman that will have sex with you, trust me. If you haven't been able to hook up with the head cheerleader, then you need to aim for her jealous, slightly chubby sister, or her even more jealous, large-nosed best friend. While I personally do not condone the sexing of such poorly-rated girls, somebody out there is in need of a place to park their penis, and if this is you, by all means, go ahead.

In every group of female friends, there is most likely a girl, that, while not hideous, may be more inclined to hook up with any man that gives her the time of day. This could be due to a number of circumstances, which could include, but is not limited to;

• Jealousy of other females in the group
• Boredom, most likely a result of poor social life.
• Late-budding breasts.
• Rebellion towards parents who have told her not to caress random penises.
• The recession.
• Emulation of 3oh!3 song.
• 3 Smirnoffs and a shot of Taaka
  
  

Now that you know what you're up against, I'll give you a few tips on how to achieve your goal of pulling a girl ranked somewhere between a 4 and a 5.5...

The wooing of any girl rated that low should not be too difficult. You just need a few things to make this happens, look below for the checklist...

• Decent breath. Do not eat any Hot Cheetos before you plan on seducing the hoe.
• A clean bill of health. Swine Flu and Chlamydia are not sexy.
• An internet connection. Most hoes enjoy it when you 'like' their facebook statuses.
• Alcohol.
• A place to perform sexual acts. Don't worry, you can always hide behind a tree, board a city bus, or just do it on your neighbor's trampoline if necessary.
• Condoms are a plus, but for your sake, not hers. Most hoes will let you slide in without protection if they really are craving it.

Most successful seduction can take place over as little as 2 hours. An ideal timeline for hoe-pulling may look something like this.

7:15 PM- Log onto facebook, start a chat with aforementioned hoe, 'like' their status, regardless of what it is (WARNING- Do not accidentally like a status like "RIP Granny : (", "Went to the doctor, damn herpes is flaring up", or "who says semen burns eyes?!"

7:22 PM- Invite the hoe to a location of your choosing, mention that there may be cool kids there, and alcohol, plenty of alcohol.

7:27 PM- Go 'hey mister' somebody outside the local convenience store, if they are being douchebags about it, tell them that you will possibly pull a hoe if they get the alcohol for you, most people with a heart will oblige.

7:28-7:48 PM- Drink said alcohol and get as drunk as possible to ensure that the hoe you are about to meet is no longer an ugly 4, but a decent looking 7!

7:52 PM- Shave a cool design into your pubic hair. (optional, but hoes are known to be more eager to fellate you if seeing your penis is just like reading a picture/pop-up book.)

7:59 PM- Text the hoe, compliment her exceptional grammar in her texts and begin the real process.

8:15 PM- You're really going to want to take this girl to a party with a lot of much more attractive girls, but also with a bunch of guys who show absolutely no interest in her. When she is surrounded by superior females and guys who are extra douche-y, she will have to settle for you, which is fine, because you're already settling for her.

8:17-8:24 PM- Listen to her stupid stories about Harry Potter, her new cool pencils she bought for school, even tell her that yes, those are some pretty cool pencils. Get her a new drink between every story, and compliment her whenever there is a break.. "Yeah, for some reason, i'm really attracted to slightly larger noses" "Whatever guy doesn't appreciate a couple dozen extra pounds doesn't know what they're missing".

8:35 PM- Now that she has exhausted her repertoire of boring stories and useless information, it is time to make your move. This can be done one of two ways, but first, you'll want to exit the crowded area you are currently in, because you don't want anybody to know that you're about to hook up with such a poor specimen...

You'll need to make a move, either the overconfident route, or the shy one. If you're going to be shy, just start off with something like; "You know, i've always wanted to kiss you, but everytime I try, I get flustered and just end up getting lost in your eyes, I hope you don't think it's weird, but I kind of imagine your lips being the most beautiful reprieve from reality". Then you lean in, and go for broke, doesn't fail.

But if you're being a cocky sonofabitch, this is more fun. Mention that the guys in the group all told you that she was prude and wouldn't hook up with you and that you're just going to have to pursue "insert even sluttier girl's name here". This will usually work, and then the jump from kissing to fellatiation is easy, just comment "I knew they were right, they said you'd never give me head". Voila, cock to mouth.

9:07-9:15 PM- Sex/cleanup/sandwich/change facebook status. (Who says you need to have a good performance when you're with a hoe?

Now you have accomplished your goal, but you're stuck with a hoe, you need to very frantically mention that Mr. Anderson is sick, and that you need to go home. No worries that she has no idea who Mr. Anderson is, just take her home, and then come back to the party and hopefully pull a hoe who gives better head.

*Disclaimer- I do not condone taking advantage of any girl. But there is a difference between an emotionally-damaged girl, and a hoe. Remember that.

No game? No worries!

As most men know, the majority of hoes are attracted to three things...

1. Large amounts of money
2. Large amounts of free alcohol.
3. Large amount of penis.

This is not to say that all girls enjoy those three things, some may only enjoy one or two of things, whether they be rich, sober, not promiscuous, or a midget. If you don't have those things, you may think you're in trouble, but really, you aren't. I will give a few quick tips on how you can still pull hoes without any of the aforementioned items in your repertoire...

1. So, you don't have money? Well you can work around this problem. First, go to the coinstar and turn all of the loose change in your house to cash, and go and buy yourself a nice tie. Men who wear ties usually have money, and many girls will be turned on at just the sight of your newly-purchased neckwear.
   
   But it isn't as easy as just wearing a tie (unless you are me), you will need more than that if you wish to truly get women to believe that you have money. Upon first meeting a female that you wish would fellationate you, make sure whenever she is looking, have a business page of the newspaper in your hands and mumble something about mutual funds. This will work for the older females, but younger ones may think you're a creeper, because face it, who invests in stock, AND drinks Keystone these days?
   
   If that doesn't work, you need to aim at girls who are much more stupid, and fall for these tricks. Otherwise, carry many $1 bills, and wrap them with a single $100 bill, to make it look like your wad is big, so in return, she will take your big wad... If you know what I mean.
   
   (As a last resort, selling one's possessions is optional, you'll regret it in the morning, trust me)
   
   
   
2. This one is hard to get around, due to the fact that these days, hoes have a nose for drugs and alcohol, and know when a guy is fronting. If you don't have much money, or don't want to give away too much in the pursuit of punani, you'll have to be clever.
   
   First, make sure, whenever you hangout with the hoe you have chosen, never let her eat anything, this way, she'll get drunker much easier, and you won't have to buy her dinner either, two birds with one stone.
   
   Secondly, you'll have to be smart when it comes to the purchase of alcohol. If you approach a hoe with a 40 in hand, she'll know you're a trendy hipster who probably buys beer in spare change, which, you probably are, and probably do. But that is alright, if necessary, just buy 40's for yourself. Next up, if she is a liquor drinker, what you'll need to do is go by a bar after hours and ask if you can have their empty liquor bottles. Most places are cool with this if you don't look like a bum. After you have collected bottles of nice liquor, think, Grey Goose, head over to the liquor store. Buy yourself some Taaka, and pour the Taaka into the empty Goose bottle. Now you're a trendy hipster who rolls with bottle of goose, definitely a step up.
   
   If you want to complement that Goose with some quality juice... Don't. Fuck real juice, buy some Jarritos or some Kroger brand juice, the hoe will be too moist in the vaginal region to even care what juice you have, after all, you have a bottle of TaakaGoose!
   
   
3. The last one is tricky, because it is hard to trick a hoe when it comes to your penis. They can see it plain and simple, and can feel it inside them. If you are lacking in the penile region, you will definitely need to work on your tongue skills, as much as you don't like to hear it.
   
   BUT, what you could do, if desperate to trick a hoe into thinking you are packing a nice tube steak, there are a few tips.
   
   If she wears glasses, switch out her regular lenses with magnifying lenses, this will give you the illusion that your penis, once 5x2, is now 10x4, but your scrotum will look gigantic, and you'll need her to wear the glasses all night, thus if you facial her and get it on the glasses, she may be scared at how much you just splooged.
   
   Another possibility is taking advantage of the darkness and never letting the hoe feel it. You can finger fuck her with your pinky for 10+ minutes, so when you do finally get inside with your pixie stick, by comparison you will seem larger. This only works on dumb hoes mind you, but isn't that what you're going after?
   
   If all is lost, you just need to make sure you find yourself a short girl, their walls aren't as deep, and they will appreciate a normal penis much more than a WNBA player would. NEVER, I repeat, never get with a girl taller than you or who weighs more than you, she can outdrink you, needs a large penis, and fat people clothes are expensive, so you won't be able to afford her...

That is it for tonight, but tomorrow we will focus on other important aspects of pulling hoes. Until next time, stay herpes free!

*Disclaimer, not all girls are hoes, I acknowledge this fact. But this blog was created to help game-challenged men all around the world pull hoes, not respectable women.