Pulling Hoes: Is Eating Out Acceptable? (Cuisine, Not Cunnilingus)

Every now and then, you may have the crazy idea in your head that you should take a hoe out for dinner. Whether it be because you’re hungry, or you are trying to flatter her, there are some basic ground rules that you need to keep in mind.

NEVER spend too much money on her- There should be a correlation of some sort between her rating on a 1-10 scale, and how many dollars you spend on her meal. While it is safe to say that you shouldn’t be taking a ‘3’ out to dinner, that doesn’t mean you can’t take a girl out for a cheap dining experience.

Even I have taken a girl out and gotten her to 'bang me after Banh Mi'. Avoid places that are too cheap though, as they could lead to indigestion before insertion, and that is never good. Especially avoid CiCi’s, unless you’re taking out her cockblocking fat friend with you and you’re trying to lose her along the way. That long line of sub par pizza may very well be more exciting to her than your penis.

I’ll give a few acceptable food choices depending on the rating of the girl you’re treating.

• 1-3 Rating- The corner store usually has day old hot dogs, maybe some soggy nachos, or even a candy bar should all suffice in this situation. Though, while you’re there, you should probably do yourself a favor and buy some beer for yourself. (I hope for your sake that you’re not really going out with a girl rated this low, but if you are, I suppose you have to take her somewhere, right?)

• 4-5 Rating- Not quite condonable, somewhere cheap with poorly lit rooms would work best. You should consider a low-class Chinese buffet perhaps. (Hopefully, this will be the only pussy that you’re eating tonight, ha!) Though buffets leave you susceptible to spending too much time together, so, if possible, you should try to find a quicker meal. Studies have shown that KFC is a suitable location, as the Colonel is rarely known to cockblock. Also, neighborhood Mexican restaurants are acceptable, especially if you can get away with only giving her chips and salsa as a meal!

• 6-7 Rating- Now you’re getting into the more promising territory, so do not be afraid to open your wallet a little more in order to open her legs. This is a good range to take a hoe for wings if you’re a fan. Not only will you be able to focus your attention on the multiple TVs showing sports in case the dinner isn’t going well, but you’ll also be able to scope her tongue technique as she licks any excess sauce off of her fingers.

• 8-9 Rating- This is where you don’t want to make a mistake. If you’ve come this far, and are taking out a highly-rated girl, you don’t want to seem cheap, but at the same time, you don’t want to splurge before you splooge. With a girl this attractive, you won’t be afraid to be seen with her, so a popular, albeit boring location, is acceptable. Chili’s, Olive Garden (Get her full on unlimited salad and breadsticks!) and Applebees are all possibilities, and also give you a decent chance of having a waitress better looking than your hoe if you so please. This way, it seems casual, you don’t look poor, and you can have decent food. I don’t recommend taking a hoe to your favorite restaurant, for fear of running into her in the future after you are done with her, it could get messy, and you could have to give up your favorite spot.

• 10 Rating- This is the only time that I will condone taking a girl out for a nice meal. If the girl is a certified dime, you can, if you’re in the mood for it, take her out for sushi. The reason I reserved sushi for a dime was to ensure that your sushi will be the only thing smelling fishy, and not your date’s vagina. While you should be careful not to overspend, most girls realize that a sushi date is special, and will try not to order too much. On occasion they will be satisfied/full with just a few pieces off of your plate. A good sushi dinner for two can be had for under $30-40, and you’ll be full, the girl will be honored, and your chances of smashing will increase tenfold. Be careful though; keep the sushi dinner in your back pocket only for girls who are worthy, you don’t want to show your best card in an unnecessary situation!

Remember though, some hoes may be so happy that they have been taken out for dinner that they will offer to pay in some cases. To keep this possibility open without asking openly, when the check comes, excuse yourself to the bathroom for a second, and if you come back and the bill is paid, act surprised by her sweetness and have yourself a win/win situation. Free sushi and free sex? I don’t think it gets much better than that.

How To Pull Hoes: Back To School Edition (Don't Flunk Trying To Fuck)

So, school is starting back up, and your surplus of summer hoes have left you, and you have to start a new. Don’t worry, the start of a semester is the perfect time to find a slut.

1. School Supply Shopping- Sure, shopping for school supplies doesn’t seem like the most exciting thing in the world, but you can liven it up by buying a few items that may come in handy..

Ruler- This is pretty obvious, right? You can even buy one of the mini rulers, or use a centimeter stick instead. After all, mathematical conversion aren’t exactly a hoe’s strong point, so when you say that your dick is 16 centimeters long, you can imagine how excited the hoe might be! Also good for measuring things in math class, such as, well, whatever you might do in math class.

Hole Puncher- Everyone is going to need to put holes in their papers eventually, though, if you’re doing your job right, you will be punching her hole yourself, no assistance needed!

Post-It Notes- These come in handy when you need to remind yourself of something in the future. Whether it be for a paper that you have due at the end of the week, or if you think you’re going to forget a hoe’s name after sex, just write it on a post it note, stick it on her forehead, and you have nothing to fear!

Those are just a few, I’m sure you’ll find practical uses for plenty of other school supplies if you try hard enough to implement them into the bedroom! (Disclaimer: White out cannot erase mistakes made with fat girls)

2. Picking Your Classes- This is a tough one, because you don’t want to build a schedule based solely around hoes, so you have to a have a steady balance of bitches and buddies. Avoid sausage fest classes like woodshop (Unless you like your A’s as easy as you like your hoes), because the only wood getting any attention in that class will be what you’re working on. Perhaps a cooking class would suit you better, and scope out the girls who make the best cookies. A hoe skilled with dough is a real plus. But if you don’t get a favorable schedule, it’s no big deal, there will be hoes in all of your classes. Unless of course you go to an all-boys school, in which case, err, I’m so sorry.

3. The First Day- A nerve-racking one indeed, you can make or break yourself on the first day. Don’t be too friendly, but don’t be too much of a loner or else you’ll be alone, stuck with your boner.

- If you aren’t careful, and offer to carry a girl’s books, she may offer to carry your child. First day pregnancies are no good!

- Sit in the back of the classroom whenever you can, it leaves the best opportunity for fooling around while there is schooling around.

- Most importantly, don’t show up to class before everyone else, you don’t want to be known around the school as “the guy who comes too early”.

More than anything, don’t be awkward, don’t try too hard to be cool, and don’t trip on the stairs, and you’ll have an advantage over most of the other guys.

I’ll check in later in the week and see if I can’t assign some HOE-mwork for you guys.