Pulling Hoes: Is Eating Out Acceptable? (Cuisine, Not Cunnilingus)

Every now and then, you may have the crazy idea in your head that you should take a hoe out for dinner. Whether it be because you’re hungry, or you are trying to flatter her, there are some basic ground rules that you need to keep in mind.

NEVER spend too much money on her- There should be a correlation of some sort between her rating on a 1-10 scale, and how many dollars you spend on her meal. While it is safe to say that you shouldn’t be taking a ‘3’ out to dinner, that doesn’t mean you can’t take a girl out for a cheap dining experience.

Even I have taken a girl out and gotten her to 'bang me after Banh Mi'. Avoid places that are too cheap though, as they could lead to indigestion before insertion, and that is never good. Especially avoid CiCi’s, unless you’re taking out her cockblocking fat friend with you and you’re trying to lose her along the way. That long line of sub par pizza may very well be more exciting to her than your penis.

I’ll give a few acceptable food choices depending on the rating of the girl you’re treating.

• 1-3 Rating- The corner store usually has day old hot dogs, maybe some soggy nachos, or even a candy bar should all suffice in this situation. Though, while you’re there, you should probably do yourself a favor and buy some beer for yourself. (I hope for your sake that you’re not really going out with a girl rated this low, but if you are, I suppose you have to take her somewhere, right?)

• 4-5 Rating- Not quite condonable, somewhere cheap with poorly lit rooms would work best. You should consider a low-class Chinese buffet perhaps. (Hopefully, this will be the only pussy that you’re eating tonight, ha!) Though buffets leave you susceptible to spending too much time together, so, if possible, you should try to find a quicker meal. Studies have shown that KFC is a suitable location, as the Colonel is rarely known to cockblock. Also, neighborhood Mexican restaurants are acceptable, especially if you can get away with only giving her chips and salsa as a meal!

• 6-7 Rating- Now you’re getting into the more promising territory, so do not be afraid to open your wallet a little more in order to open her legs. This is a good range to take a hoe for wings if you’re a fan. Not only will you be able to focus your attention on the multiple TVs showing sports in case the dinner isn’t going well, but you’ll also be able to scope her tongue technique as she licks any excess sauce off of her fingers.

• 8-9 Rating- This is where you don’t want to make a mistake. If you’ve come this far, and are taking out a highly-rated girl, you don’t want to seem cheap, but at the same time, you don’t want to splurge before you splooge. With a girl this attractive, you won’t be afraid to be seen with her, so a popular, albeit boring location, is acceptable. Chili’s, Olive Garden (Get her full on unlimited salad and breadsticks!) and Applebees are all possibilities, and also give you a decent chance of having a waitress better looking than your hoe if you so please. This way, it seems casual, you don’t look poor, and you can have decent food. I don’t recommend taking a hoe to your favorite restaurant, for fear of running into her in the future after you are done with her, it could get messy, and you could have to give up your favorite spot.

• 10 Rating- This is the only time that I will condone taking a girl out for a nice meal. If the girl is a certified dime, you can, if you’re in the mood for it, take her out for sushi. The reason I reserved sushi for a dime was to ensure that your sushi will be the only thing smelling fishy, and not your date’s vagina. While you should be careful not to overspend, most girls realize that a sushi date is special, and will try not to order too much. On occasion they will be satisfied/full with just a few pieces off of your plate. A good sushi dinner for two can be had for under $30-40, and you’ll be full, the girl will be honored, and your chances of smashing will increase tenfold. Be careful though; keep the sushi dinner in your back pocket only for girls who are worthy, you don’t want to show your best card in an unnecessary situation!

Remember though, some hoes may be so happy that they have been taken out for dinner that they will offer to pay in some cases. To keep this possibility open without asking openly, when the check comes, excuse yourself to the bathroom for a second, and if you come back and the bill is paid, act surprised by her sweetness and have yourself a win/win situation. Free sushi and free sex? I don’t think it gets much better than that.