Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Emergency Tips in Times of Hoe-Pulling Desperation...

If you ever think that you’re at a disadvantage, and need something extra to pull some hoes, I have just the tips for you. So, you don’t have much game, you’re shy, or you basically don’t know what hoes enjoy? Don’t worry, I have a few steps, that if followed correctly, will lead to your pulling of aforementioned hoes…


1. Hidden beers- Ever see a party at 2 AM where hoes are on a treasure hunt around the house looking for the last drops of alcohol left in the house? Well if you plan ahead, and keep a secret surplus of beer, you will put yourself into a much better position to penetrate. Even beers which would normally be unacceptable to drink in public, (Milwaukee’s Best, Bud Ice, Schlitz, etc) now become currency in the hoe-marketplace, and you’re looking like an entrepreneur of entering pussy…

2. A good, comfortable sleeping location- At the end of the night, when you’re getting ready to lay down in order to sleep off all the light beer and cheap liquor in your system, you’re going to want to find a bed or pullout couch. Because when all the hoes are passing out, none of them want to fall asleep on the floor, and will, in extreme situations trade blowjobs for bed-room. A good wingman will help you save a spot on the bed to give to the hoe, though some may call 2 men gay for sharing a bed, but you’ll get the last laugh when you’re fucking someone in a queen bed while everyone else has blue balls, and is laying in piles of puke around the house.

3. Gum/Mints- The most forgotten tool of all, you must, I repeat, MUST, carry some mints or gum with you throughout the night. Because by the time everybody is going to bed, there will be a good mix of cigarette breath, weed breath, 40 breath, and or Hummus breath. Every good wingman keeps mints with them in order to save their friend in a moment of need. Nothing dries a vagina or softens a dick quicker than halitosis.

As the night passes, and everybody loses their belongings, make sure that you're prepared! The following items, while not crucial to your mission are still important:


  • Lighter
  • Blanket
  • Phone battery
  • Toilet paper
  • Friends
  • Dignity (optional)

For now though, just remember: Keep a reserve of all necessary ingredients to getting fucked up, because at the end of the night, their value triples. I’ve seen people give $5 for a cigarette, half-handjobs for a hit off a blunt, and I almost saw a girl have sex for a sandwich… Hopefully that makes you think twice about packing a lunch before a party.

Although, sometimes, all you need to pull a hoe is confidence and a couple good, smooth pick-up lines.. (Of cocaine.)

Until next time, good luck and strap up.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Hoe-Pulling Profile: Dick Nuble (Name Changed To Protect a Legend)

Have you ever seen somebody who is just so cool, calm and collected around women that you can't help but get jealous? Somebody with such exceptional hoe-pulling skill that you can't understand how they do it? I've seen exactly that in one man I know, and I'm going to point out some of the ways he pulls the hoes he does...

#5- The Minor Jewfro- It takes a special person to be able to pull off the Jewfro, and this man does it with perfection, not too goofy, not too serious. During sex, hoes can't help but touch it to see how fluffy it is, and it gives just enough length for girls to hold onto while riding him. Hopefully he doesn't have a sensitive scalp. Not to mention, the jewfro adds a good 1.5 inches to his height.

#4- Fanny Pack- This man singlehandedly brought the fanny pack back from the dead. Not only that, but his fanny pack turns into a raincoat! Not only will it pull hoes for him, it will protect him from getting wet as he pulls them! While in fanny pack mode, it is perfect for holding cigarettes, money for alcohol and a good amount of condoms just in case.

#3- Lack Of Underwear- A trend that is becoming more widely accepted throughout the community, wearing jeans without underwear is this man's number one skill. He does not fear uncomfortable rashes at all, and this fearlessness serves him well in his pursuit of hoes. Hipster hoes dig it.

#2- Dual Wielding 40's- Imagine if you were playing halo, and you could dual-wield shotguns... 40's in both hands is the real life equivalent, not only do they make a damn good weapon when a herpes-hoe run towards you, you can always drink them as well. When a hoe sees a guy holding two 40s, you probably thinks two things... Number one, "oh my, he spent $5 on malt liquor? in this recession, he must be the hipster king!", and number two, "i wonder what i'll have to do to get that other 40 from him!". Either way, she'll be on her knees worshipping you in one way or another, if you know what I mean...

#1- The Mini Van- The ultimate weapon in his arsenal has to be the mini van of many vags. The most noticeable vehicle of the group, when you see it pull up, you know hoes are about to be pulled. It may not look like much from the outside, but once you get inside, you'll see why many girls have been unable to leave the van, (this may also have something to do with them being passed out). The floor of the van is covered with OE and whenever you take a sharp turn, another bottle rolls around the back right to you! Even better, if Dick Nuble ever wanted to stray from the normal hoes and roll to a different group, he'd be right at home with the soccer moms. "Oh, you need to go pick up your son from his game? Let's hop in my van". No smoother words have ever been spoken to women 35+.

Not to mention this man is just plain smooth. An up and coming beer pong player, a good taste in music, and bunk beds! Who wouldn't want to be pulled by this man?

The Temperature Is Going Down On All Of Us, And Soon The Hoes Will Too!

It is common knowledge that women are easier to come by as the weather gets colder. November and December are statistically the easiest months to pull hoes, after all, isn’t stuffing the Thanksgiving turkey just a metaphor for sex? Plus, isn't Hannukah just 8 days of dick when it comes down to it?

Opportunities to cuddle, hold hands and share blankets rise exponentially, and most of the work is already done. Cheer up, get in the holiday spirit, you’ll come away with at least one whornament to hang on your tree. I'll try to give you a few suggestions for the hoe-liday season.

Halloween- When it comes to giving candy, you need to know how to scout a hoe by the type of candy she is eating... Snickers, Milky Way, those are boring, avoid all hoes eating those. But if you see a hoe eating a butterfinger, move in! She is a fan of the long hard center and that speaks volumes about her. In addition to her, watch out for any girl eating a cadbury cream egg, as she has already had some cream in her mouth once that day, might as well make it twice. Also, while Reeses is a great candy, if you see a subpar hoe with them, you might as well take the Reeses and just say forget the girl.

Trick or treating is fun, but instead of giving out candy at your house, why not condoms and lube? Any girl who actually comes by to get some is basically asking you for it!

Which Costumed-Hoes Should You Pursue?

#1- The Maid- She is already offering to be a servant to your demands, and you haven't even asked!

#2- Sexy Nurse- A very common costume, but a safe choice nonetheless. A girl who is relatively clean and willing to kiss any booboo you may have.

#3- Playboy Bunny- Another common costume choice, you will still be with a girl with no creativity, but the costume usually accentuates the butt so you'll get a nice look if you want to put it where her tail is. After all, she knew she was going to end up bunny hopping on a cock when she picked that costume.

What Costumes To Avoid?

#1- All Disney Characters- She is either going to be too young, or has some fairy-tale idea in her head. Do you really want to have to take her to a ball and rescue her slipper before you get to slip her (the dick)?

#2- Angels- The wings on her back may be eerily similar to the loose, flapping wings you may find when you explore her vagina...

Thanksgiving and Christmas tips coming soon.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Random Hoe-Pulling Observations In Recent Interaction...

I apologize for the downtime the blog experienced, but I am back to share the knowledge with you once again. I have had a few interesting encounters recently, and i'd like to share them in order to hopefully educate you at least a bit...

  • Some hoes actually like when you say that you're a creeper and/or facebook stalker. Girls with low self esteem suddenly feel important when you notify them that you have been secretly looking at their facebooks or stalking them. It's weird I know, but I suppose girls would rather be creeped on, than be an anonymous vag. If you can use this to your advantage, go ahead and give it a shot. Beware though, if tried on the wrong girl, you may have someone's mom knocking on your door...

  • In a room full of 16 year old white hoes, Miley Cyrus's Party in The USA is best wingman you could ever ask for...

  • The higher the quality beer you're drinking, the higher quality hoe you will pull, PROVEN FACT! If you're sipping on keystone, AKA piss, you will, most likely end up with a hoe who will offer to drink your piss. Another warning; if you're just getting with hoes who drink 40's with you, take note of the fact how well they handle that big bottle. It may be a sign that their vagina has, in the past, handled things almost as large.

  • If a hoe asks you for a sip of beer, she may also asking, silently of course, for a sip of your splooge.

  • Two things in the world are impossible; licking your elbow, and fucking in a Smart Car.

  • Nothing improves sexual performance more than ultra ribbed condoms.

  • Ever been in a hurry to gauge whether or not you think a girl has a suitably clean vaginal region? Take a quick check at her toes. If they are painted nicely, good to go. If she's got stubbed toes, broken nails and discoloration and/or many callouses, you're probably going to run into some discoloration and callouses down under as well.

  • When drunk, remember, you don't literally PULL the hoe. That usually results in getting slapped. Although, if you can literally just pull one, you have more game than 99% of America.

  • Secret trick of the day: When laying in bed behind a girl, out of nowhere, ask for a high five, but when she turns around instead of your hand she makes contact with, replace it with your penis... WARNING- Some girls high five really, really hard. : (

I'll be updating more often, this was just a little bit to catch you up on the game in the last few weeks.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

7 Places You Don't Want To Go Hoe-Hunting!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Monday, September 7, 2009

How To Spot a Hoe- The Telltale Signs; Part 1.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Hoe-Pulling Accomplishments; A Brief Overview/Checklist- Tier 1

Some people have better luck with hoes than others, that is just a basic fact of life. Aspirations lead to betterment, so if you'd like to have some goals in regard to pulling hoes, refer to the list of praise-worthy accomplishments below and try to acheive as many as possible. (At your own risk)...




  • The Family Connection: 2 Sisters- This goal is fun to accomplish, but is also more difficult than you would primarily think. The proper technique would be to go after the older sister, and then move on to the younger one, as it raises less moral questions on the female's part. Of course, once a girl knows you did had her older sister once, she will perhaps be more inclined to follow in her footsteps. Whether it be for reasons of revenge, or reasons or just to boost her self esteem, older-to-younger is the easier transition. That isn't to be said that you can't jump forwards, but it is a bit of a challenge. Also, usually anything more than a 3-year difference is impossible to overcome. Otherwise, you'll either be a pedophile, or somebody with enough game to pull an old lady. If the latter, high five!


  • The Best Friends- This has been accomplished quite often recently, usually with very little backlash from the hoes involved. As standards sink even lower, best friends pass guys back and forth like it is nothing, so this is easily attainable, even for the game-challeneged. Best friends share everything, right? If you'd like to move from best friend to best friend, leave a bit of a passing period, and make sure not to repeat the same lines or they may compare notes while together later. If you'd like to turn it into a bit of a game, try to better whatever you did with the first, and make the second best friend more memorable. If you want to put an exclamation point in the form of a compliment at the end of the second one, let her know that she was better than her best friend. This may give her a boosted, yet unearned sense of self esteem in the future. Fun.


  • The Hat Trick- Three in one night. By three, I don't mean just kissing three girls, because, well, this isn't 7th grade anymore. I mean full-fledged, triple ejaculations, with three different girls in one night. This is a true accomplishment, and is usually only reached by truly skilled men, or on special occasions, such as birthdays, graduations, and unheralded and random penis growth. If these three all happen to be close friends, give yourself 10 bonus points, because you sir know how to pull hoes! (Additional fact- The record is 9)


  • Twins- Unattainable for most ordinary men, this is a feat that goes down in history whenever it is acheived. If you can get two twins at once, you have skill that the world has rarely seen. The problem with this, is the fact that most twins aren't hoes, (must be something in their DNA which prohibits it) and the fact that hot twins are hard to come by. Compliments are hard to give, because they apply for both, but a creative man will be able to differentiate between the two, and pick a few things to flatter them with. I would give extra points for pulling a siamese twin hoe, but that is just crossing the line, you freaks!


  • Cougars/MILFS- Every mans dream. A grown woman, experienced, and all the things you've ever had wet dreams about. Grocery stores and suburb area youth-soccer games are prime spots for pulling aforementioned MILFS. Teachers and mothers of girls that you know are usually the toughest, but can be attained if you aim low enough, or are truly skilled. I would refrain from doing a friend's mom unless looking to accrue ammunition to get back at him later, or working on revenge.


  • The 50%- 50% refers to having gotten with half the girls in a certain classroom (min. 10 girls). More easily completed at schools with smaller enrollments or private schools with unlimited amounts of hoes, this is a task that proves your superiority at a single school. This usually garners a bit of attention from the girls, as rumors spreads like herpes through private schools, and can damage your reputation, or cement your place in history, however you'd like to look at it. On the last day of school, hand out report cards to each of the girls rating them on their performance.


Honorable Mention-



  • The Eiffel Tower- Sought by many, acheived by few... Talked about all summer in the hopes of being pulled off at the end of it, even some of the most skilled men have fallen short of this feat. What it requires is 2 willing men, (no homo) and a girl with absolutely no inhibitions or self respect it would seem. One guy will be receiving fellatio while his partner in crime is hitting it from the back. While this is happening, the two men will double high-five each other over the girl to form the shape of an eiffel tower. (Extra points for doing it with a French girl!)

Until next time, keep it up... (That's what she said)



Thursday, September 3, 2009

When It Comes To Hoes: The 7 Deadly Cockblocks

We have all encountered cockblocks, some of them not so dangerous, but every once in a while, you'll run into a major cockblock, and somebody will Dikembe Mutombo the shit of your dick and rub it in your face.

7. Fat Girls- I don't have anything against fat girls, it is fine if they want to live their life, but if they try to block the cock, it is unfair. You don't see hockey teams throwing fat people in as goalie to stop anyone from scoring, because they realize how fucked up it is. The fatter a girl is, the harder it is to get the cock around her block it seems. The sad fact of life is where the hoes are, there will be a fat girl there. If there isn't, you need to thank the lords of love, because you've been spared.

For most girls, they know that keeping a fat girl around is the equivalent of giving their vagina a bodyguard. It protects them when necessary, but they can always call it off if they want to do something on their own.

But don't lose hope though, every fat girl has her price. If you want to get around a fat girl using her obesity to obstruct your game, just offer her some pizza rolls, coupons for half price oreos, or if really necessary, give her some whip cream, chocolate syrup, and point her towards your wingman and tell her to have some fun.

6. Gay Best Friends- Even more dangerous than the fat friend, is the gay guy who accompanies the girl everywhere. Once again, I definitely have no problem with gay guys, I don't judge at all, so that isn't where my anger lies. The fact that whenever you approach a hoe with a gay guy on her arm, he stays there, with nowhere to go, due to the fact that there aren't usually an abundance of gay guys at parties than he can go spit his own game at. So he sticks around, and it is even worse if he thinks you're cute, it makes it awkward, because you're standing there trying to talk to the girl, and who knows what's going on in his head!

It won't be as easy to get him away, as pizza rolls and whatnot won't entice him as much as tube steak would. In the perfect world, we would all have gay friends on speed-dial to come up and wingman for you, but sadly, I don't have speed-dial, or any reliable gay friends. So basically, you'll have to get the gay guy drunk, but BEWARE, make sure you don't get him drunk enough to pass out, otherwise the hoe will have to take care of him. Get him drunk enough to the point that he feels comfortable meandering around the party, possibly hitting on loads of straight men. As long as it isn't you, mission accomplished..

5. Johnny Depp- Damnit, makes all other men look bad. Hoe, you are a high school party on a Thursday, why the fuck do you expect Johnny Depp to show up?

4. Having To Take a Poo- Don't lie. At one point in your life, you were about to have sex with a girl, and you had to take a dump. It is a heartbreaker, because you're right there, about to penetrate, but you fear leakage at any moment. That is alright, you are not alone, don't worry.

Men eat good meals before parties to ensure that they don't drink on an empty stomach, and common knowledge tells us that good meals lead to good bowelmovements, but never let this interfere with the pursuit of hoes. Avoid Taco Bell before parties, that is asking for trouble, and a rookie mistake. Remember, if you get too depressed over your stomach problems, just take solace in the fact that the girl isn't the one who has to poop, because as we all know, girls don't poop, ever.

If you ever do have to resort to pooping before you pull a hoe, you'll most likely want to take a shower. Just to be safe.

3. Ex-Girlfriends- This is the one that I will never understand, but always encounter the most. You go to a party, have success with a few hoes, are feeling good about yourself, and then all of a sudden... An ex-girlfriend strolls into the place, and it becomes awkward. Not because I make a big deal out of it, but because she out hoes the hoes, and won't leave you alone all night. This is where a wingman is more important. An ex-girl may think that she is getting back at you by fucking your best friend, but in reality, you are just glad your buddy got some! You need an attractive, good friend to accompany you around to make sure she never gets close, always making sure she never gets within reaching distance of your penis, because she will probably manhandle it.

Whenever necessary, switch social groups away from your exes, because they are nothing but trouble. Don't you find it funny that once you date a girl and it ends, you finally realize how much of a hoe she really was?

2. The Self Cockblock (Forgetting a Condom)- This is the one that puts most guys out of the game. I do not promote sex with hoes without a condom, I don't want anybody getting herpes because of my blog, i can't have that on my conscious! To make sure this never happens, keep spare condoms wherever you can. Car glove compartment, inside your fitted cap, in your shoe, wallet, shit, if necessary, put a condom on your dick before you leave the house for the night if possible.

You can't blame a fat girl if you forget a condom, that's all on you...

AND THE NUMBER ONE COCKBLOCK...

1. Curfew- The most forgotten cockblock of this generation is the curfew. It ruins perfectly good opportunities, and limits countless others. If you know that a girl has to be home at midnight, you need to start your pursuit before 11, and the party may not even be getting started by that time. And because most men do not think ahead, you are usually hard pressed for time when the hookup is right in front of you. Of course, you can always get the girl to go home and then sneak back out, but in this situation, you better damn well have a good performance to make that worthwhile, otherwise she will hold a grudge against you for quite a while.. The curfew brings the dilemma that many men have faced for years...

Do I nut quickly and let her go home on time? Or do I sneak her out and be forced to have sex for much longer than I'd like, placing added pressure on myself just to appease the effort she made to have sex with me...? You decide.

Until next time, keep on pulling.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

The Top 7 Dangers Of Hoes

Everybody knows that with hoes comes danger, they just go hand-in-hand like fat peopla and buffets. Below, i'll document the top 7 dangers you may encounter when dealing with hoes..

7. Older Brothers- I'm sure we would all be inclined to protect our younger sisters if we thought they were be taken advantage of by a guy. But having a hoe for a little sister is even worse, because she is doing damage to the family name. Whenever dealing with a hoe, you must find out in advance if she has an older brother, and protect yourself against the possibility of family backlash in case of complications. Just because a older brother is small, or relatively weak means nothing, in the heat of battle, little guys can always just kick you in the nuts, which would be disastrous for most of us. Make sure to be careful in dealing with hoes with brothers, don't let him know who you are, where you live, or your circle of friends. Limit conversation with the hoe to phone only, don't leave incriminating evidence in text or facebook. REMEMBER- Just because you fuck a hoe doesn't mean you have to be facebook friends with her...

6. Friendship- Some of you scoff at this notion, but I am serious. Did you know that some hoes actually think that you are friends after you have sex with them? HA! They will call you up, 'just to chat', ask if you want to get a friendly lunch, and ask you to do them favors. If this ever happens to you, just simply reply; "hoe, I already did you a favor, it was called giving you my dick!" That should solve the problem relatively quickly.

5. Being Made Fun of By Friends- This is the one that comes back to bite most guys in the ass. Whether it be because they are jealous that you got some and they didn't, or the fact that you really did just fuck the biggest hoe in the world, your friends will always make it hard for you to live down certain relations you may have. This happens quite often, and is most often in good fun, but that doesn't lessen how annoying it can be having to deal with the cafeteria chants, or embarrassing facebook wall posts. To avoid this, make sure and get a general concensus from all your friends before you get too deep (literally and figuratively) with any hoe.

4. Awkwardness at Parties- This is a tough one to avoid, due to the fact that at times, you may be stuck in a room with anywhere between 5-15 hoes that you have gotten with, and everyone is just sitting there in an awkward, penis-provoked silence. Getting drunk should help make this go away, although it may also lead to adding #16 to that list, but hey, isn't that the point?

3. The Ending Of Friendships- I'm sure we have all heard the famous phrase, spoken by a wise man; "bros before hoes". WELL, would you believe that in some social circles, dudes actually catch feelings over a hoe?! HA! I laugh at this, but I have seen it first hand, friendships ending over a hoe, just because she happened to RSVP to fellationize multiple men's meat. This is a depressing occurence, and should be avoided at all costs. There are only a few girls I would choose over my friends, and those are Jessica Alba and Jessica Biel, and then I would just videotape myself fucking them and give it to my friends as a christmas present, thus making the friendship stronger than ever.

2. Parents- Even more dangerous than older brothers are concerned parents. Let's say you're just having a nice night, relaxing, maybe receiving some birthday sex, or anniversary anal, when all of a sudden, this hoes parents walk in the room. You continue just pounding away at the hoe, and the mother and father become upset. You are unsure what's wrong, and wondering why they are throwing such an extreme cockblock. You ask them politely to leave the room, but for some reason, they become even angrier. If this has ever happened to you, don't worry, you aren't alone. All you need to do in this situation is come up with a clever line to get yourself out the door quickly. Just quickly look down at the girl, and then back to her parents and simply say...; "Why the fuck am I fucking you when you have such a hot mom?" Problem solved.

1. Burning When You Pee- : (

Monday, August 31, 2009

The Wide Range of Hoes In the World...

The number one mistake that most men make in the world of hoes, is grouping. They think that every hoe is the same, and you can use the same game on all of them, that is terribly wrong, and can have disastrous results at times. You need to recognize all the different types of hoes, and kick game at them accordingly... Below is a brief rundown and description of each type of hoe...

The Lightweight Drinking Hoe- This is a hoe that most people will encounter quite often, because it is a common problem among all women, not just the promiscuous ones. When a normal girl gets drunk, they get 33% more hoe-ish on average, but when a hoe gets trashed, her hoe-percentage skyrockets to optimum levels. When she was sober, she had a little bit of morals and wouldn't just allow anything inside her vagina, but when given a few mixed drinks, the very flimsy vaginal shield she once had is now nowhere to be found.

How To Slide Inside- If you plan on getting with the Light Drinking Hoe, all you really need to do is wait until 10:30 at any party, keep a few reserve beers in your pocket, and not have any serious facial deformations, a functioning penis, and you should be in!

Difficulty Rating- 5/10 before drunk, 2/10 when hammered.

The Hoe Who Fakes Drunk- Not to be confused with the LDH, the Hoe Who Fakes Drunk is a common visitor or parties all around the land. At first, it may be difficult to differentiate between the two, but with my help, you will be able to point out the faker in no time.

First, notice that upon arrival, she has a certain drink in her hand, yet when you see her 45 minutes later, she still has the same drink, that is a dead giveaway. Also, when first initiating conversation with aforementioned hoe, her speech patterns may change drastically when the subject of penis is first broached. She may have been speaking just fine earlier, but once the cock enters the conversation, you'll notice that she starts slurring her speech more; "oh, you play furtball? how serxy". She may then start stumbling when walking, and end up bumping into you and accidentally grazing your penis more often as well, but do not be afraid. A girl pretending to be drunk to obtain the treasured man-trunk is even easier than one who is actually drunk! But if you don't feel comfortable fucking a sober girl, just offer to go shot for shot with her. Be sure to avoid doing this by any sinks, plants or windows to ensure that she doesn't throw it somewhere...


How To Slide Inside- Ignore her poor attempts at being hammered, and just accept her for what she is; a hoe who would enjoy you inside her. It doesn't take much, especially if she has already shown interest, a song by 3oh!3, Britney Spears, or anything along those lines will probably push her over the edge and have you laid in no time.

Difficulty Rating- The easiest of all known hoes (excluding the passed out ones, but i do not condone that sort of hoe, sorry), if there is a girl pretending to be drunk to have sex with you, she's either extra hoe-ish, or you're just irresistible. Either way, high five! 1/10

The Hoe Who Was Left Alone While Her Best Friend Goes and Fucks- This is personally one of my favorites, because it means that another guy is getting lucky at the same time as you, and if you planned it right, it could be your best friend! When first meeting this hoe, you need to be sympathetic, give her not just a penis to suckle on, but also a shoulder to cry on, because she is really hurting, her best friend is getting optimum meat, while she has to settle for you. At the beginning of the night, she may not have even been a hoe, but due to the circumstances, she is in desperate need of love, and she won't stop until she has achieved it, so that she doesn't feel fat and ugly when she talks to her friend later.

How To Slide Inside- If you plan on double teaming on her best friend with your best friend, you're going to need a Grade-A wingman to ensure that the plan goes as planned. After that, all you need to give her is positive reinforcement, tell her that she is much better looking than her friend, and whoever would pick her over you must be blind, or not have the confidence to handle such a top-notch woman.

Difficulty Rating- Depending on how depressed she is over the loss of her friend, she may be just as easy as the fake-drunk, but it depends on how late in the night it is getting. She may hold out hope for a better guy, or her friend to return, telling her that she didn't even fuck him. But when time is running out, she'll reach out for the nearest guy, and take him to any available room, make sure that guy is you! 4/10

The Serial Hoe- These are quite common in every social circle, and they are also the one that you only want to resort to in the most dire of situations. This is the girl that has already hooked up with, and or had sex with 75% of your male friends, and probably 25% of your female friends as well. Every night, she only has one goal; find a new guy to hook up with. If she doesn't have success with a new guy, she will have to go back and hook up with a guy who was good in the past though, so if you hook up with her once, you will always have her in your back pocket.

Her techniques vary from night to night, but usually she is decently attractive, has no curfew and is always down for a good time, alcohol, and penis. She is the girl that you will never see unless in passing at school, or at a party. No casual hanging out, and if you're lucky, she never ends up at your house, because she will eat all your food. This type of hoe is most often encountered during the summer, and by the end of the summer, she will have hooked up with everybody in the group, so if you haven't been one of the chosen few, then your chances increase dramatically with each passing day. Just be patient, and if you really want her, you will have her at some point.

How To Slide Inside- If you have patience, a few redeeming qualities, confidence, and are somewhere near alcohol, you always have a good shot. But if you are in a rush, and want to make it happen in one night, just make sure to go to a party with only people she has already hooked up with, and perhaps had bad experiences with. If you are the last uncharted territory in the room, you're in!

Difficulty Rating- 3/10, but with time, easily a 1/10.

The Underclass Hoe- Whenever you go to parties often, you will realize that there are always young hoes hiding in the woodwork, trying to get some work from the wood. They are generally 2-3 years younger than the majority of people, and if you aren't careful, they might not be legal for some of you. They have aspirations of getting with an older guy, and will stop at nothing to accomplish their goal. They may not be up front about their age, so if you have morals, this may not be the hoe for you. Don't be surprised if friends laugh at you for it later, and if strangers think you're a creeper. BUT, if you want it that badly, i doubt you mind.

How To Slide Inside- You need to lack morals, not look too old, and most importantly in most situations, DO NOT be friends with her older siblings. THOUGH, some hoes will actually see that as a plus, so you never know. A car is definitely important, as why would anyone want to hook up with an older guy without a car? Doesn't make much sense. A source of alcohol is also important, the youngsters are always the moochers.

Difficulty Factor- Just because she wants an older guy doesn't mean she will settle for a lame one, you still need to have some game. 6/10

The About To Go To College And Wants To Have Memories Hoe- This is what us guys in the hoe-business call a "Seasonal Hoe". You will only encounter her at the end of summer, but her level of hoe has reached all time highs, especially on the last night of summer, she will be on a mission to get multiple dicks, and if you don't mind fucking the mayonnaise jar, you will have a good shot at pulling her. If you and your friends plan on making a going-away porno or something along those lines, this is always a safe bet for ending summer with a bang.

How To Slide Inside- Subtly compliment her for a few weeks, just building up for the last night, make sure you get there early so you can keep tracks of how many people she has gotten with and give yourself more time to get with her yourself. This is the most disgusting of the girls, but on the last night of summer, you're probably looking for some memories too. Make sure you have plenty of alcohol to last all night, because this could easily overrun into the morning and give EVERYONE a chance at her.

Difficulty Rating- If she knows who you are before the night starts, you have a wonderful chance of wooing her, and shit, even if you just met her, you may have one as well. Anything can happen on the last night of summer, just don't fuck it up by getting drunk too early and throwing up, that is the only thing that could ruin your chances. 2/10

The Hoe Who Just Lost Her Virginity And Is Now Going On A Spree- This is the only hoe that I have any remorse for, because I understand the feeling of losing your virginity. If she had a poor experience, she may be on a spree hoping to have a good experience that validates giving it up, or if she enjoyed it, she may have just been convinced to be a hoe, either way, she is fair game if you would like to pursue her. Her self esteem may be low, or she may just realize she needs to make up for lost time.

How To Slide Inside- For the most part, it is hard to judge this particular type of hoe, because her motives haven't been completely revealed. We know that she wants somebody to please her though, so if you are a skilled lover, and she hears about it, your chances improve drastically. In conversation slip in some tidbit like; "I gave her 4 orgasms, it was alright I guess"...

Difficulty Factor- A hoe that is new to the game doesn't know all the hoe tricks, so she may be more susceptible to the game you bust out on her. She is ignorant to the ways of promiscuity, so this is your chance to get her while she's young, and clean! 5/10

That is the set of hoes that most men will run into in their endeavors, but don't worry, there are plenty more I will document over time. Honorable mention to the following hoes below though...


  • The "I Just Lost a Lot of Weight Hoe"...
  • The Hoe Who Just Got Out Of a Long Relationship
  • The Hoe Who Just Wants To Get Laid As Much As Her Slutty Mom
  • The Hoe Who Wants Interracial Hookups
  • The Hoe Who Fucks Everyone In a Group and Then Disappears
  • The Hoe Who Pokes Everyone On Facebook to Find Willing Guys

Until next time guys, remember... Heartbreak is better than Herpes...

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Jealousy Is a Female Trait...

It has recently come to my attention that men all around the world are jealous of other men who happen to get more women than themselves... Do you know what I say to this? Fuck it.

If you are vaginally-challenged, you just need to lower your standards, because somewhere in the world, there is a woman that will have sex with you, trust me. If you haven't been able to hook up with the head cheerleader, then you need to aim for her jealous, slightly chubby sister, or her even more jealous, large-nosed best friend. While I personally do not condone the sexing of such poorly-rated girls, somebody out there is in need of a place to park their penis, and if this is you, by all means, go ahead.

In every group of female friends, there is most likely a girl, that, while not hideous, may be more inclined to hook up with any man that gives her the time of day. This could be due to a number of circumstances, which could include, but is not limited to;

  • Jealousy of other females in the group
  • Boredom, most likely a result of poor social life.
  • Late-budding breasts.
  • Rebellion towards parents who have told her not to caress random penises.
  • The recession.
  • Emulation of 3oh!3 song.
  • 3 Smirnoffs and a shot of Taaka

Now that you know what you're up against, I'll give you a few tips on how to achieve your goal of pulling a girl ranked somewhere between a 4 and a 5.5...

The wooing of any girl rated that low should not be too difficult. You just need a few things to make this happens, look below for the checklist...

  • Decent breath. Do not eat any Hot Cheetos before you plan on seducing the hoe.
  • A clean bill of health. Swine Flu and Chlamydia are not sexy.
  • An internet connection. Most hoes enjoy it when you 'like' their facebook statuses.
  • Alcohol.
  • A place to perform sexual acts. Don't worry, you can always hide behind a tree, board a city bus, or just do it on your neighbor's trampoline if necessary.
  • Condoms are a plus, but for your sake, not hers. Most hoes will let you slide in without protection if they really are craving it.
Most successful seduction can take place over as little as 2 hours. An ideal timeline for hoe-pulling may look something like this.

7:15 PM- Log onto facebook, start a chat with aforementioned hoe, 'like' their status, regardless of what it is (WARNING- Do not accidentally like a status like "RIP Granny : (", "Went to the doctor, damn herpes is flaring up", or "who says semen burns eyes?!"

7:22 PM- Invite the hoe to a location of your choosing, mention that there may be cool kids there, and alcohol, plenty of alcohol.

7:27 PM- Go 'hey mister' somebody outside the local convenience store, if they are being douchebags about it, tell them that you will possibly pull a hoe if they get the alcohol for you, most people with a heart will oblige.

7:28-7:48 PM- Drink said alcohol and get as drunk as possible to ensure that the hoe you are about to meet is no longer an ugly 4, but a decent looking 7!

7:52 PM- Shave a cool design into your pubic hair. (optional, but hoes are known to be more eager to fellate you if seeing your penis is just like reading a picture/pop-up book.)

7:59 PM- Text the hoe, compliment her exceptional grammar in her texts and begin the real process.

8:15 PM- You're really going to want to take this girl to a party with a lot of much more attractive girls, but also with a bunch of guys who show absolutely no interest in her. When she is surrounded by superior females and guys who are extra douche-y, she will have to settle for you, which is fine, because you're already settling for her.

8:17-8:24 PM- Listen to her stupid stories about Harry Potter, her new cool pencils she bought for school, even tell her that yes, those are some pretty cool pencils. Get her a new drink between every story, and compliment her whenever there is a break.. "Yeah, for some reason, i'm really attracted to slightly larger noses" "Whatever guy doesn't appreciate a couple dozen extra pounds doesn't know what they're missing".

8:35 PM- Now that she has exhausted her repertoire of boring stories and useless information, it is time to make your move. This can be done one of two ways, but first, you'll want to exit the crowded area you are currently in, because you don't want anybody to know that you're about to hook up with such a poor specimen...

You'll need to make a move, either the overconfident route, or the shy one. If you're going to be shy, just start off with something like; "You know, i've always wanted to kiss you, but everytime I try, I get flustered and just end up getting lost in your eyes, I hope you don't think it's weird, but I kind of imagine your lips being the most beautiful reprieve from reality". Then you lean in, and go for broke, doesn't fail.

But if you're being a cocky sonofabitch, this is more fun. Mention that the guys in the group all told you that she was prude and wouldn't hook up with you and that you're just going to have to pursue "insert even sluttier girl's name here". This will usually work, and then the jump from kissing to fellatiation is easy, just comment "I knew they were right, they said you'd never give me head". Voila, cock to mouth.

9:07-9:15 PM- Sex/cleanup/sandwich/change facebook status. (Who says you need to have a good performance when you're with a hoe?

Now you have accomplished your goal, but you're stuck with a hoe, you need to very frantically mention that Mr. Anderson is sick, and that you need to go home. No worries that she has no idea who Mr. Anderson is, just take her home, and then come back to the party and hopefully pull a hoe who gives better head.

*Disclaimer- I do not condone taking advantage of any girl. But there is a difference between an emotionally-damaged girl, and a hoe. Remember that.

No game? No worries!

As most men know, the majority of hoes are attracted to three things...
  1. Large amounts of money
  2. Large amounts of free alcohol.
  3. Large amount of penis.
This is not to say that all girls enjoy those three things, some may only enjoy one or two of things, whether they be rich, sober, not promiscuous, or a midget. If you don't have those things, you may think you're in trouble, but really, you aren't. I will give a few quick tips on how you can still pull hoes without any of the aforementioned items in your repertoire...

  1. So, you don't have money? Well you can work around this problem. First, go to the coinstar and turn all of the loose change in your house to cash, and go and buy yourself a nice tie. Men who wear ties usually have money, and many girls will be turned on at just the sight of your newly-purchased neckwear.

    But it isn't as easy as just wearing a tie (unless you are me), you will need more than that if you wish to truly get women to believe that you have money. Upon first meeting a female that you wish would fellationate you, make sure whenever she is looking, have a business page of the newspaper in your hands and mumble something about mutual funds. This will work for the older females, but younger ones may think you're a creeper, because face it, who invests in stock, AND drinks Keystone these days?

    If that doesn't work, you need to aim at girls who are much more stupid, and fall for these tricks. Otherwise, carry many $1 bills, and wrap them with a single $100 bill, to make it look like your wad is big, so in return, she will take your big wad... If you know what I mean.

    (As a last resort, selling one's possessions is optional, you'll regret it in the morning, trust me)


  2. This one is hard to get around, due to the fact that these days, hoes have a nose for drugs and alcohol, and know when a guy is fronting. If you don't have much money, or don't want to give away too much in the pursuit of punani, you'll have to be clever.

    First, make sure, whenever you hangout with the hoe you have chosen, never let her eat anything, this way, she'll get drunker much easier, and you won't have to buy her dinner either, two birds with one stone.

    Secondly, you'll have to be smart when it comes to the purchase of alcohol. If you approach a hoe with a 40 in hand, she'll know you're a trendy hipster who probably buys beer in spare change, which, you probably are, and probably do. But that is alright, if necessary, just buy 40's for yourself. Next up, if she is a liquor drinker, what you'll need to do is go by a bar after hours and ask if you can have their empty liquor bottles. Most places are cool with this if you don't look like a bum. After you have collected bottles of nice liquor, think, Grey Goose, head over to the liquor store. Buy yourself some Taaka, and pour the Taaka into the empty Goose bottle. Now you're a trendy hipster who rolls with bottle of goose, definitely a step up.

    If you want to complement that Goose with some quality juice... Don't. Fuck real juice, buy some Jarritos or some Kroger brand juice, the hoe will be too moist in the vaginal region to even care what juice you have, after all, you have a bottle of TaakaGoose!

  3. The last one is tricky, because it is hard to trick a hoe when it comes to your penis. They can see it plain and simple, and can feel it inside them. If you are lacking in the penile region, you will definitely need to work on your tongue skills, as much as you don't like to hear it.

    BUT, what you could do, if desperate to trick a hoe into thinking you are packing a nice tube steak, there are a few tips.

    If she wears glasses, switch out her regular lenses with magnifying lenses, this will give you the illusion that your penis, once 5x2, is now 10x4, but your scrotum will look gigantic, and you'll need her to wear the glasses all night, thus if you facial her and get it on the glasses, she may be scared at how much you just splooged.

    Another possibility is taking advantage of the darkness and never letting the hoe feel it. You can finger fuck her with your pinky for 10+ minutes, so when you do finally get inside with your pixie stick, by comparison you will seem larger. This only works on dumb hoes mind you, but isn't that what you're going after?

    If all is lost, you just need to make sure you find yourself a short girl, their walls aren't as deep, and they will appreciate a normal penis much more than a WNBA player would. NEVER, I repeat, never get with a girl taller than you or who weighs more than you, she can outdrink you, needs a large penis, and fat people clothes are expensive, so you won't be able to afford her...
That is it for tonight, but tomorrow we will focus on other important aspects of pulling hoes. Until next time, stay herpes free!

*Disclaimer, not all girls are hoes, I acknowledge this fact. But this blog was created to help game-challenged men all around the world pull hoes, not respectable women.