Jealousy Is a Female Trait...

It has recently come to my attention that men all around the world are jealous of other men who happen to get more women than themselves... Do you know what I say to this? Fuck it.

If you are vaginally-challenged, you just need to lower your standards, because somewhere in the world, there is a woman that will have sex with you, trust me. If you haven't been able to hook up with the head cheerleader, then you need to aim for her jealous, slightly chubby sister, or her even more jealous, large-nosed best friend. While I personally do not condone the sexing of such poorly-rated girls, somebody out there is in need of a place to park their penis, and if this is you, by all means, go ahead.

In every group of female friends, there is most likely a girl, that, while not hideous, may be more inclined to hook up with any man that gives her the time of day. This could be due to a number of circumstances, which could include, but is not limited to;

• Jealousy of other females in the group
• Boredom, most likely a result of poor social life.
• Late-budding breasts.
• Rebellion towards parents who have told her not to caress random penises.
• The recession.
• Emulation of 3oh!3 song.
• 3 Smirnoffs and a shot of Taaka
  
  

Now that you know what you're up against, I'll give you a few tips on how to achieve your goal of pulling a girl ranked somewhere between a 4 and a 5.5...

The wooing of any girl rated that low should not be too difficult. You just need a few things to make this happens, look below for the checklist...

• Decent breath. Do not eat any Hot Cheetos before you plan on seducing the hoe.
• A clean bill of health. Swine Flu and Chlamydia are not sexy.
• An internet connection. Most hoes enjoy it when you 'like' their facebook statuses.
• Alcohol.
• A place to perform sexual acts. Don't worry, you can always hide behind a tree, board a city bus, or just do it on your neighbor's trampoline if necessary.
• Condoms are a plus, but for your sake, not hers. Most hoes will let you slide in without protection if they really are craving it.

Most successful seduction can take place over as little as 2 hours. An ideal timeline for hoe-pulling may look something like this.

7:15 PM- Log onto facebook, start a chat with aforementioned hoe, 'like' their status, regardless of what it is (WARNING- Do not accidentally like a status like "RIP Granny : (", "Went to the doctor, damn herpes is flaring up", or "who says semen burns eyes?!"

7:22 PM- Invite the hoe to a location of your choosing, mention that there may be cool kids there, and alcohol, plenty of alcohol.

7:27 PM- Go 'hey mister' somebody outside the local convenience store, if they are being douchebags about it, tell them that you will possibly pull a hoe if they get the alcohol for you, most people with a heart will oblige.

7:28-7:48 PM- Drink said alcohol and get as drunk as possible to ensure that the hoe you are about to meet is no longer an ugly 4, but a decent looking 7!

7:52 PM- Shave a cool design into your pubic hair. (optional, but hoes are known to be more eager to fellate you if seeing your penis is just like reading a picture/pop-up book.)

7:59 PM- Text the hoe, compliment her exceptional grammar in her texts and begin the real process.

8:15 PM- You're really going to want to take this girl to a party with a lot of much more attractive girls, but also with a bunch of guys who show absolutely no interest in her. When she is surrounded by superior females and guys who are extra douche-y, she will have to settle for you, which is fine, because you're already settling for her.

8:17-8:24 PM- Listen to her stupid stories about Harry Potter, her new cool pencils she bought for school, even tell her that yes, those are some pretty cool pencils. Get her a new drink between every story, and compliment her whenever there is a break.. "Yeah, for some reason, i'm really attracted to slightly larger noses" "Whatever guy doesn't appreciate a couple dozen extra pounds doesn't know what they're missing".

8:35 PM- Now that she has exhausted her repertoire of boring stories and useless information, it is time to make your move. This can be done one of two ways, but first, you'll want to exit the crowded area you are currently in, because you don't want anybody to know that you're about to hook up with such a poor specimen...

You'll need to make a move, either the overconfident route, or the shy one. If you're going to be shy, just start off with something like; "You know, i've always wanted to kiss you, but everytime I try, I get flustered and just end up getting lost in your eyes, I hope you don't think it's weird, but I kind of imagine your lips being the most beautiful reprieve from reality". Then you lean in, and go for broke, doesn't fail.

But if you're being a cocky sonofabitch, this is more fun. Mention that the guys in the group all told you that she was prude and wouldn't hook up with you and that you're just going to have to pursue "insert even sluttier girl's name here". This will usually work, and then the jump from kissing to fellatiation is easy, just comment "I knew they were right, they said you'd never give me head". Voila, cock to mouth.

9:07-9:15 PM- Sex/cleanup/sandwich/change facebook status. (Who says you need to have a good performance when you're with a hoe?

Now you have accomplished your goal, but you're stuck with a hoe, you need to very frantically mention that Mr. Anderson is sick, and that you need to go home. No worries that she has no idea who Mr. Anderson is, just take her home, and then come back to the party and hopefully pull a hoe who gives better head.

*Disclaimer- I do not condone taking advantage of any girl. But there is a difference between an emotionally-damaged girl, and a hoe. Remember that.