While spending some time with my favorite animal (a White Owl) and overlooking the happenings over at Poison Girl, I spotted a fellow struggling to advance upon a lady who was yelling about butt muffin bums. I, personally, had never dealt with any butt muffin bums before, so I was listening intently to her description (somebody who can't make it in New Orleans, I guess).
During that conversation though, I witnessed 5 of the worst attempts at making a move (if you can even call it that) I have ever seen a dude try. So I present to y'all: The 5 Ways NOT to Pull Hoes While Sitting with Them
5. The "reach-around-her-sneakily-to-put-your-arm-around-her-while-holding-a-beer trick".
While this a tried-and-true technique, it becomes difficult to pull off when you have a brand new beer in your hand. In the case of tonight's case study, he didn't even get his arm halfway around her before he poured the beer down the back of her shirt. While this may have a 5-10% success rate in attempting to get a girl to take her shirt off, in this situation it had a 0% shot of success at not pissing her off. Well, at least he can go buy her a drink (as he needs one of his own now) to make up for it, right? No...
4. Argue with the girl about her buying you a drink since I guess you're broke.
Rather than atone for his accidentally wetting her, this fellow decided that he should try to score a free drink out of it. However, this lady had had probably earned free drinks from far too many dudes tonight to fall for that. Eventually he agreed to buy her some wells whiskey (which I shouldn't be able to hear from patio, but damn did she love to scream, :wells?! UGHHHHHH". He eventually came back WITHOUT her drink, and just sat down like he never agreed to buy her anything...
This was actually a player-ass move that I will have to try someday, but it didn't work in this situation, as she stormed away to buy her own drink. Eventually she returned, and that's when our research subject tried to unsuccessful,
3. Pretend to wipe off her seat for her before she sits down, and then leave your hand there so she sits on it.
While this move can be pulled off in a few different manners, this guy made one crucial mistake: he left two fingers pointing up so she would sit on them and he could go digging for
When somebody accidentally sits on your hand, you can pull it away without causing problems as long as you limit yourself to one butt grab and apologize for the inconvenience. This guy went the exact opposite route, and decided not to try to be stealthy. Thus, when she sat on his hand and he wiggled his fingers, there was no amount of apologizing that could do. But, of course, she is chopped up and her judgement is extremely impaired right now, so she will probably let him slide, right? Nah, because deciding to sniff his fingers right after doing so probably didn't improve his chances of coitus or probability of pussy very much at all.
But every situation can become suck-cessful if a dude can step up his game. And the man's next move may have finally saved him... Not.
2. Stand up for no reason and stand directly next to her with your dick at eye-level, rocking back and forth.
This was a risky chance taken by this guy, and he had to know that it wasn't going to end well. But you have to applaud this guy's persistence with terrible ideas: it takes heart! And no game...
But with this move, he knew that she would be forced to look into his loins and inevitably imagine intercourse. Either that or she would gasp as loud I have ever heard, and put her cigarette out on the dudes pants. Luckily pants are flame-retardant, while this dude was just retarded.
By this time, it is getting late, and the dude realizes that he has just failed miserably four times in a row. He wasted a beer, something fishy AND fucked up his jeans. He knows that it will take an act of genius or an act of God to get this girl on top of him, but this man isn't a quitter. He thinks of the most-unresistable moves in hoe-pulling history:
1. Knock her phone out of her hand, grab her forearm, and pull her over to you as forcefully as you can--while simultaneously knocking over her drink as well (Bye wells whiskey!).
Ahh, yes, the one move that not only exhibits the strength you have gained from steroid use, but also the weaknesses you have with opposite-sex interaction. Plus, if this dude broke her phone, now he can offer to buy her a new one and make her choose a phone number, ensuring that he has the number. Although, knowing this guy, as we saw him when it came time to buy a drink, he would probably offer to buy her a flip phone and the 100 minutes/500 texts plan.
As he pulled her however, she held her ground, dropping just her drink and phone, while holding onto her dignity).
Our guy was obviously dejected, and i'm guessing flaccid. But he knew when to finally give up on his voyage for vagina. So he stood up and said it was nice talking to her and walked away... Not before standing there for another 30 seconds with his wiener at her eye-level though...
And that concludes the greatest case-study in cockblocking one's self that I have ever witnessed.
Do the exact opposite of what this guy did, and you may very well pull the hoe of your dreams tomorrow. And if not, just go to Poison Girl tomorrow and people watch. It will make you feel better about your social skills...