New Years is upon us.
Now is the time to plan your 2015 resolutions. Whether it is resolving to eat less Nutella or to bust hella nuts, it is important to start the year out on the right foot. A big part of this is avoiding problematic decisions that you may have made in 2014. While it may be absurd to expect 100% perfect decision making from a often-intoxicated young adult, it is important to make it through the first few hours of the new year without embarrassing yourself.
4. Do not spend your whole night talking to hoes about how much better you're going to be in 2015.
While this may seem like an effective way to hype them up for your future self, in reality, all you are doing is setting unnecessary expectations for yourself. What if this girl had been feeling you, but you decided to share that you're going to get a six pack and invent a quicker way to peel bananas in 2015? Why would she wanna kick it with the slightly-chubby, sloppy banana peeling dude in front of her when she could wait a few months and give it a shot then?
Even worse, when you fail to live up to your expectations the following year you're in even more trouble.
Talk about how next year you're going to try to run...the pong table...more often. Or that you'll attempt to improve your friends diets by not offering them so many free shots. Humble brag away.
3. Always have a surprise surplus of alcohol to supplement the stash deep into the night.
Nobody wants to be remembered as the guy who started 2015 without having anything to drink. A very popular urban legend states (forgive me if I am incorrect, I am reciting it from a very hazy memory): "The man without a beer or Belvedere to cheers at 12 right here/shall fear and watch disappear all the rear that was so near until the next Leap Year..."
Don't be the guy who only gets to smash once every 4 years: bring something to drink.
2. Do NOT hit up your 2014 3:58 AM booty call at any time during the night!
It happens to nearly everybody. Guys go through a cold streak after summer concludes, and they start relying on some random girl for conversation and the occasional. Now, this girl may not be altogether unattractive or some sort of top-level hoe, but for one reason or another (maybe she knocked your popsicle out of your hand one night on accident), she isn't a quality individual worth devoting your time to. New year, new rear. That's what I always say...at least just now.
Keep your options open. If you must, text your 2013 4:18 AM go-to if you most. At least when she responds "who is this?", you will have the perfect opportunity to slap yourself out of it and realize you'd be better off watching Girls Gone Wild infomercials tonight than going back to either option.
1. Do NOT make your midnight kiss a girl who just threw up.
Because all these young whippersnappers start drinking so early these days, the chances that at least one girl in your NYE setting may have just puke-burped out her 11 Vodka Cranberries increases steadily. I have seen it one too many times: guy running out of town at 11:59, starts scanning the entire room quickly and spots a wide-eyed girl chilling by the bathroom. He may think it is just fresh lipstick, but it is actually cranberry remnants on her lips. He swoops in for the kiss, and is in for a rude surprise.
To avoid hurl girl: just spark a blunt at midnight and live happily as the Swisher Kisser.