Wednesday, December 31, 2014

It is a New Year...Do Not Make the Same Old Mistakes.

New Years is upon us.

Now is the time to plan your 2015 resolutions. Whether it is resolving to eat less Nutella or to bust hella nuts, it is important to start the year out on the right foot. A big part of this is avoiding problematic decisions that you may have made in 2014. While it may be absurd to expect 100% perfect decision making from a often-intoxicated young adult, it is important to make it through the first few hours of the new year without embarrassing yourself.

4. Do not spend your whole night talking to hoes about how much better you're going to be in 2015.

While this may seem like an effective way to hype them up for your future self, in reality, all you are doing is setting unnecessary expectations for yourself. What if this girl had been feeling you, but you decided to share that you're going to get a six pack and invent a quicker way to peel bananas in 2015? Why would she wanna kick it with the slightly-chubby, sloppy banana peeling dude in front of her when she could wait a few months and give it a shot then?

Even worse, when you fail to live up to your expectations the following year you're in even more trouble.

Talk about how next year you're going to try to run...the pong table...more often. Or that you'll attempt to improve your friends diets by not offering them so many free shots. Humble brag away.

3. Always have a surprise surplus of alcohol to supplement the stash deep into the night.

Nobody wants to be remembered as the guy who started 2015 without having anything to drink. A very popular urban legend states (forgive me if I am incorrect, I am reciting it from a very hazy memory): "The man without a beer or Belvedere to cheers at 12 right here/shall fear and watch disappear all the rear that was so near until the next Leap Year..."

Don't be the guy who only gets to smash once every 4 years: bring  something to drink.

2. Do NOT hit up your 2014 3:58 AM booty call at any time during the night!

It happens to nearly everybody. Guys go through a cold streak after summer concludes, and they start relying on some random girl for conversation and the occasional. Now, this girl may not be altogether unattractive or some sort of top-level hoe, but for one reason or another (maybe she knocked your popsicle out of your hand one night on accident), she isn't a quality individual worth devoting your time to. New year, new rear. That's what I always least just now.

Keep your options open. If you must, text your 2013 4:18 AM go-to if you most. At least when she responds "who is this?", you will have the perfect opportunity to slap yourself out of it and realize you'd be better off watching Girls Gone Wild infomercials tonight than going back to either option.

1. Do NOT make your midnight kiss a girl who just threw up.

Because all these young whippersnappers start drinking so early these days, the chances that at least one girl in your NYE setting may have just puke-burped out her 11 Vodka Cranberries increases steadily. I have seen it one too many times: guy running out of town at 11:59, starts scanning the entire room quickly and spots a wide-eyed girl chilling by the bathroom. He may think it is just fresh lipstick, but it is actually cranberry remnants on her lips. He swoops in for the kiss, and is in for a rude surprise. 

To avoid hurl girl: just spark a blunt at midnight and live happily as the Swisher Kisser.

Monday, March 31, 2014

5 Ways Not to Pull Hoes While Sitting Next to Them... (Especially at Poison Girl)

Tonight, I was fortunate enough to witness one of the most unsuccessful attempts at pulling a hoe I have seen in my long, fruitful life.

While spending some time with my favorite animal (a White Owl) and overlooking the happenings over at Poison Girl, I spotted a fellow struggling to advance upon a lady who was yelling about butt muffin bums. I, personally, had never dealt with any butt muffin bums before, so I was listening intently to her description (somebody who can't make it in New Orleans, I guess).

During that conversation though, I witnessed 5 of the worst attempts at making a move (if you can even call it that) I have ever seen a dude try. So I present to y'all: The 5 Ways NOT to Pull Hoes While Sitting with Them

5. The "reach-around-her-sneakily-to-put-your-arm-around-her-while-holding-a-beer trick". 

While this a tried-and-true technique, it becomes difficult to pull off when you have a brand new beer in your hand. In the case of tonight's case study, he didn't even get his arm halfway around her before he poured the beer down the back of her shirt. While this may have a 5-10% success rate in attempting to get a girl to take her shirt off, in this situation it had a 0% shot of success at not pissing her off. Well, at least he can go buy her a drink (as he needs one of his own now) to make up for it, right? No...

4. Argue with the girl about her buying you a drink since I guess you're broke.

Rather than atone for his accidentally wetting her, this fellow decided that he should try to score a free drink out of it. However, this lady had had probably earned free drinks from far too many dudes tonight to fall for that. Eventually he agreed to buy her some wells whiskey (which I shouldn't be able to hear from patio, but damn did she love to scream, :wells?! UGHHHHHH". He eventually came back WITHOUT her drink, and just sat down like he never agreed to buy her anything...

This was actually a player-ass move that I will have to try someday, but it didn't work in this situation, as she stormed away to buy her own drink. Eventually she returned, and that's when our research subject tried to unsuccessful,

3. Pretend to wipe off her seat for her before she sits down, and then leave your hand there so she sits on it.

While this move can be pulled off in a few different manners, this guy made one crucial mistake: he left two fingers pointing up so she would sit on them and he could go digging for gold, errr pink, when she did.

When somebody accidentally sits on your hand, you can pull it away without causing problems as long as you limit yourself to one butt grab and apologize for the inconvenience. This guy went the exact opposite route, and decided not to try to be stealthy. Thus, when she sat on his hand and he wiggled his fingers, there was no amount of apologizing that could do. But, of course, she is chopped up and her judgement is extremely impaired right now, so she will probably let him slide, right? Nah, because deciding to sniff his fingers right after doing so probably didn't improve his chances of coitus or probability of pussy very much at all.

But every situation can become suck-cessful if a dude can step up his game. And the man's next move may have finally saved him... Not.

2. Stand up for no reason and stand directly next to her with your dick at eye-level, rocking back and forth.

This was a risky chance taken by this guy, and he had to know that it wasn't going to end well. But you have to applaud this guy's persistence with terrible ideas: it takes heart! And no game...

But with this move, he knew that she would be forced to look into his loins and inevitably imagine intercourse. Either that or she would gasp as loud I have ever heard, and put her cigarette out on the dudes pants. Luckily pants are flame-retardant, while this dude was just retarded.

By this time, it is getting late, and the dude realizes that he has just failed miserably four times in a row. He wasted a beer, something fishy AND fucked up his jeans. He knows that it will take an act of genius or an act of God to get this girl on top of him, but this man isn't a quitter. He thinks of the most-unresistable moves in hoe-pulling history:

1. Knock her phone out of her hand, grab her forearm, and pull her over to you as forcefully as you can--while simultaneously knocking over her drink as well (Bye wells whiskey!).

Ahh, yes, the one move that not only exhibits the strength you have gained from steroid use, but also the weaknesses you have with opposite-sex interaction. Plus, if this dude broke her phone, now he can offer to buy her a new one and make her choose a phone number, ensuring that he has the number. Although, knowing this guy, as we saw him when it came time to buy a drink, he would probably offer to buy her a flip phone and the 100 minutes/500 texts plan.

As he pulled her however, she held her ground, dropping just her drink and phone, while holding onto her dignity).

Our guy was obviously dejected, and i'm guessing flaccid. But he knew when to finally give up on his voyage for vagina. So he stood up and said it was nice talking to her and walked away... Not before standing there for another 30 seconds with his wiener at her eye-level though...

And that concludes the greatest case-study in cockblocking one's self that I have ever witnessed.

Do the exact opposite of what this guy did, and you may very well pull the hoe of your dreams tomorrow. And if not, just go to Poison Girl tomorrow and people watch. It will make you feel better about your social skills...

Sunday, January 12, 2014

4 New Years Res-HOE-lutions for 2014

With the arrival of a New Year comes the arrival of new hoes, or rather, old hoes trying to act brand new (and much less hoe-like). Because such a valiant attempt is being made by these women to act in a much more reserved, responsible, and less reckless manner, it is necessary for men to recognize this change and adapt their own techniques and personalities accordingly. So I present to you the three most important New Years’ Reshoelutions that a man can make/follow to increase their chances of success with these suddenly-enlightened females.

4. Allow women to be as independent as they'd like.

Don’t be afraid to let a hoe who wants to be more “independent” take you out from time to time, or even purchase the drinks for a night. If it comes down to it, offering to go Dutch (especially on a Dutch Master) makes you look supportive, gentlemanly, and not completely like an ass.

3. Change your dating habits in order to suit their new years’ diets.

As the New Year hits, many girls decide that they’d like to start a new diet and get back into great shape. While this seems like it may be rather expensive for a man to accommodate (after all, Whole Foods is much more expensive than the taquitos and tamales in the lunchline at Fiesta), it really isn’t. If a girl decides that she wants to eat green in the New Year, feel free to take her on a picnic in a grassy park. When she opens the picnic basket and realizes that it is empty, tell her to look around at all the grass surrounding the two of you, and to consider it “Nature’s personal all-you-can-eat buffet”.

2. Change your sexual maneuvers in order to suit their new year’s workout plans.

While many girls want to improve their diet at the start of 2014, an equal amount have promised themselves that they will work out more often to obtain the body of their dreams this year. Don’t be afraid to use this to your advantage. Be more willing to tell a girl to get on her knees when you’re alone, and if she gets mad at you, just tell her that you wanted her to get into push-up form and you’re willing to lead her towards her perfect physique.

In addition, working out with your female companion can lead to many more opportunities for joint showers. Not to mention, increased flexibility...

1. Change the way that you text.

It is a well-known fact that girls love men with an accent. However, very few of us actually have legitimate accents (shoutout to all my foreign friends though), so we must work with what we have. So in the New Year, men should make an effort to use more random accents, umlauts and squigglies whenever possible while you are texting. After all, doesn’t “ÿõů fîňę ğiŕł” look much more cultured than “you fine girl”? Go forth and be cultured. I have faith in you all.

NOTE- If you are still working with a phone that can’t make that happen, you can attempt to try to use numbers and symbols instead and hope that the girl you’re talking to thinks you are speaking some exclusive new language. “y()u f!n3 g|rl”.

I hope everybody had a successful holiday break and that 2014 is your luckiest one yet.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

The Return of How To Pull Hoes: Spitting Game Using Board Games

How To Pull Hoes took a very long break, but it has returned just in time for the end of the semester. In the blog's downtime, I received quite a bit of emails asking for advice, as well as emails sharing whore horror stories that had recently occurred. 

Surprisingly enough, a number of emails addressed the issue of playing board games while trying to seduce a hoe (alright, only two emails did, but that is two more than I ever expected). I never thought of board games as the way to a woman's diamond-shaped heart, but perhaps the times are changing.

As a result of these changes, I felt as though I should try to assist the two people who emailed me, so I will attempt to improve everybody's board game related game for broads.

I have compiled a list of board games (and other games of the sort) that I believe can lead to successful hoe pulling, along with a clever little line that may be able to assist you in your attempt:

- - - - -

Twister- The ideal game to discover whether or not a girl is flexible enough for your liking, and also a warm-up for any activities that you may be participating in later.

Line- "Left foot: green, right hand: blue balls..."

- - - - -

Hungry Hungry Hippos- One of the most simple yet entertaining games ever created, and also a great self esteem boost for many hoes. True, they may inhale balls just as quickly as the hippos in the game, but they are much, much skinnier! There is nothing a hoe loves hearing more than compliments about her ball-swallowing and physique at the SAME DAMN TIME!

(upon observing that the hoe you're trying to talk to is pretty good at the game)- "Wow, you really know how to gobble up balls! I'd like a private demonstration if possible. I'll even slam my hand against the back of your head repeatedly if it gets you in the mood!"

- - - - -

Uno- One of the dopest games from anybody's childhood, UNO can also be a helpful tool when trying to seduce a hoe. It is a proven fact that hoes love bright colorful things (example: raves), and the array of colorful cards in an UNO deck can work as a natural aphrodisiac if used correctly. In addition to the colors, there are a couple random opening provided by the cards themselves in UNO that may be able to help you out...
(after putting down a Draw Two or Draw Four card)- "I guess I just hit you with the D, don't act like you don't like it... I bet I can make you go WILD too."

NOTE- Only the 1994 version of UNO contains the Draw Two/Four cards picturing the giant D. Not my problem.

- - - - -

Slapjack- This isn't the normal version of Slapjack (a game where each player puts down a card until they see a Jack, in which case they slap the pile). Instead, we will call this Slapjunk.

Line- "Hey, there isn't enough room to play on that table over there, so let's just play on my lap instead....!"

Proceed to have junk slapped.

"Ouch, that hurt! You could at least kiss it to say sorry!"

- - - - -

These are just a few of the possibilities out there, you just need to be creative.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

12:00- When The Clock Strikes Midnight, Cinderella Girls Turn Into Sinderella Hoes.

I know I have touched on this in previous posts, but I believe that it is now important enough to warrant it's own write-up. Basically, whenever you're at a party, you're having a good time, and then all of a sudden, midnight rolls around, and the realization that you can't buy beer anymore hits you (Unless it's Saturday night, in which case, shit, we're good!). All of a sudden, all those girls who seemed so wonderful and classy just a few minutes ago have completely transformed.

At 11:42 you can hear the girls talking amongst each other "oh em gee, I have so much dignity", but when 12:01 rolls around and they are on a mission to procure any remaining drinks, it is more like "fuck dignity, i just want a drink you see, and some dick in me!". Buttons start getting undone, cleavage evolves from just being able to make out the breast, to the girls actually letting you make out WITH the breast. In order to capitalize on this as much as possible, you must think ahead enough to reserve a stash of alcohol for later in the night when it will do you the most good. Obviously, I don't condone the use of alcohol to pull hoes, but think of it as a friendly fishing, these hoes are going to bite somebody's line (figuratively, hopefully) why not toss your bait in the water and see if you can wiggle it enough to catch something.

Don't be one of the dudes who gives up his drinks with no return on your investment, you don't even have to be disrespectful or exploitational. It is very possible to be a stand-up guy and still lay a girl down. Basically, keep a reserve stash as long as you'd like, and when the hoes all make their rounds looking for shots and beers, choose your timing wisely. Let them deplete everybody else's surplus and then when they finally come around to you, make your move.

One way for you to ensure that you only give as much in a shot as you like, is to attach a shot pourer to your bottle; much like this one to the left. With this equipped to your bottle, not only can you pour the shots yourself, adjusting for the looks of the girl, but if you want to have a little fun, mispour at the beginning and cover their face or shirt with a little of it, always a good laugh, especially with some hoes you dislike.

However, one way to add even more laughs to this setup, try to find a shot pourer shaped like a penis, and attach that to the top of the bottle whenever you're planning on pouring a girl a mouthshot.

For another bit of fun, offer to chug a beer with a few of your friends and a hoe who wanted a beer, but make sure to shake hers up before you give it to her. It is a win/win situation, she gets some beer, you get a laugh, and her shirt may get a little wet. What it comes down to, is that after 12 o'clock, the one with the remaining drinks usually make the rules. If a girl wants a beer, tell her that she has to chug it out of her best friend's boobs or take a beer pong through your zipper. Throw something ridiculous out there and see how badly she really wants a drink!

Next, i've had a lot of people ask me how they are supposed to know which hoes are the most desperate for alcohol when the time comes. It is pretty simple, just keep your eyes open and observe the surroundings. The most desperate hoes usually come in three types.

1. The "Bottom of the Beer Drinkers"- Their is usually at least one girl (more dudes do this however) who traces a route around the party keeping an eagle-eye out for somebody to put down their beer when they're done with it, or goes on a hunt searching for unfinished beers. By doing this she is able to find a handful of beers (warm, usually) that have not been finished, and sometimes have as little as just one sip left in them. This is the most desperate as she is already throwing fear of cooties out the window and is basically saying "fuck it, i'm not letting this sip go to waste". You know what this also says? She doesn't mind taking a little shot of liquid in her mouth from anybody at the party. Pass this girl off to the most desperate dude in your group in an attempt to get her to take a sip of his "longneck"... Pause.

2. The "Hey, Nice to Meet You, But Only After 12:00 Girl"- You've been at the party for a good 2 hours, and this hoe has given you the cold shoulder. However, once the alcohol starts running low, she becomes oh so friendly and has never been so eager to take part in your conversation and learn all about you. That interest only lasts a good 45 seconds though before she broaches a new topic. "Oh my god, somebody took my beer, this is terrible! Can I have yours?" What she failed to mention though, was that beer that somebody "took" was actually a random bottle she grabbed off the table right before she walked over to mooch and smooch with you. Depending on your response, she will make this same round around the whole party. Usually, my response to this hoe would be a bit of challenge. If she remembers my name, sure, she can get a beer, but usually from my Keystone stash. If she doesn't, adios hoe. (Disclaimer: Not every girl who wants to meet you after midnight is a mooching hoe, some are genuinely interested in you. To judge which of the two they are, judge how long they bother to stay around and how long it takes for them to ask for a drink. Less than a minute, and I think you have your answer.)

3. The "Girl Who Changes Into Something More Comfortable"- This is usually the most interesting and most enjoyable, if only for the fact that they usually lose a layer of clothing in order to command more attention and perhaps ease into their seduction. Very commonly, especially in the summer as the night goes on, will change outfits. This could mean they go to their car to take off their jeans and put on a skirt, go into the bathroom to take their panties or bra off, or just take their shirt off in front of anybody. By doing this, they get a step up on the other hoes, and no men lose when this hoes is around (unless she is fat). However, sometimes this can lead to comical occurrences, including a girl who says she is going to change real quickly and comes back wearing a swimsuit at a location without a pool. Perhaps she could be saying, secretly, that she is looking to get wet? Take note of this hoe and keep in mind that she was willing to strip down without provocation, who knows what could happen if there is alcoholic incentives involved.

Basically, the point of this is to keep your eyes open if you're attempting to get some legs open. Even if you aren't, there is still quality entertainment to be had once the clock strikes midnight and their is a free for all for all things free. However, at the same time, if you are the one with the last alcohol, be careful, dudes mooch just as hard as hoes and are much more annoying. Make sure to have your fun before they get to desperate and decide to head to a bar in hopes of lame dudes buying them drinks there. However, realize that after 2 AM, any remaining alcohol is worth even more! A sip for a nip if you're lucky.

Also realize that the best wingman will toss his best friends drinks before he tosses anything to a beezy. Bros before hoes especially with brews, don't forget that. Dumb hoes will be around forever, but good friends are hard to find. Who knows, you may need their surplus in your future endeavors.

Oh well, until next time, keep your pimp hand strong, your personal bar stocked, and use hoes as entertainment whenever you can.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

How To Spot a Hoe's Injuries; And What They May Mean...

We have all been out and about, perusing for a female companion, when all of a sudden, something catches your eye that you know you just HAVE to pursue. However, upon further inspection, you realize that the hoe you were pursuing was actually damaged goods, and unless there is some sort of money-back guarantee or extreme discount, you'd be better off just staying away.

It is necessary to be alert and notice signs that some other eager beaver bangers may be overlooking in an attempt to smash as speedily as possible. Here are a few of the warning signs that may keep you from inserting due to injuries.

Bruises/Rugburn on Knees- The easiest sign to notice, especially as girls are trying harder and harder to show more skin. The only possible explanations for a girl having bruised knees are negative, and range from frequent fellatio-ing, to repeated restroom regurgitation, all the way down to just being a quite-manly tomboy. Obviously being a boyish bitch isn't as bad as a girl who has a steady schedule of sucking dick, or a girl who likes tasting her food twice, but nobody wants a hoe who can beat them in arm-wrestling. After all, just imagine what she'd do to your dick, you'd probably be dealing with a limp noodle when her forearm flexing workout was through. Basically, very little good can come from obvious marks on knees, and bandaids should never be a turn on, unless you're a really lame vampire.

Nosebleed And/Or Nasal Strips- Another very obvious injury to keep an eye out for, bloody noses are ALWAYS a deterrent. Either the girl tried to do a barcode worth of coke, sucks at fighting and took a right hook in the face, or even worse, picked her boogers so viciously that she has sliced her inner nostril! Every intelligent man knows that some girls out there are going to be golddiggers, but most didn't know that this was the definition they had in mind for some. Regardless, any nose related injury screams BAD NEWS from a mile away, even without the blood. In addition to looking plain lame, some girls out there are using Breathe-Right strips in order to open their nasal-passages in attempts to get as much out of their vanilla coke as possible. While you can't blame them for being savvy shoppers and trying to get the bang for their buck, looking drugged and dorky at the same time is never good.

Tennis Elbow- As you can tell, the woman to the left is suffering from a very severe and painful case of tennis
elbow, more commonly referred to as "Tugging Elbow" in the world of sluts, and is one of the more overlooked injuries you may come across. At first inspection, it may seem as though this girl obtained this injury from being such an avid fan of tennis, but on the contrary, the percentages say this injury is most likely to come from excessive handjobs. WARNING SIGN! #1, you have a girl who is most likely entertaining a large group of men, with relative fapping frequency. Even more frightening however, is the fact that she is placing her hands on hard-ons and actually convincing guys that it is passable as sexual activity. She has the mindset of a middle schooler and the elbow of an elderly woman, never a good mix. Avoid, unless and avid fan of dry dick high fives.

Concussions- Another very tricky injury, as your first reaction will usually be one of pity for the victim, but don't let the woozy/innocent look on their face fool you. I have come to the conclusion that nearly half of cunt's concussions are due to a very traumatic and painful experience. Dickslaps. The whiplash that follows the aforementioned cock-to-cheek collision can even lead to neck injuries in the most violent occurrences. So, by all means, feel some remorse for women who have suffered this fate, but just remember, that the next time you kiss her on her cheek and wish her a get well soon, you may have just made contact with rod residue.

Dehydration- Though not necessarily an injury, I believe that due to the extreme temperatures being reached this summer, it would be a good idea to point this one out. It isn't out of the ordinary for a hoe to have cotton mouth during the summer, however, if it is a hoe that you plan on receiving sexual favors from later on, you may be at risk for a terrible affliction know as dessert dome dick. The only known cure is
a healthy dose of water and Gatorade, as the electrolytes within the Gatorade work as the greatest wingman you'll ever need in times of desperation. In other words, just think of Gatorade as a hoes mouth lube.

As you can see very clearly with Mia Hamm and the many sexual innuendos that her past Gatorade ad contained, Gatorade is the perfect item for foreplay. "It's never wanting to stop (giving you head)" followed by the mandatory act of the man asking her "Is it in you?". At the very least, with the use of Gatorade to rehydrate, you can use all of the excess sweat (as she takes a teabag to forehead) as a sort of lubricant.

These are the most frequent injuries that I have run into recently, and was just making sure that my fellow men are well-informed in this area. After all, we're all in this together, and education before penetration is the most important thing.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Bros Before Hoes: When Is It Acceptable To Ditch For A Bitch?

Very often, we are faced with a dilemma; should we ditch our friends to chill with a girl? Or should we always be loyal to the male division of our friends. To be honest, when it comes down to a battle of sexes, the one that you can have sex with will almost always win.

This isn’t to say that you should always bail on your buds to get some butt, but in certain situations, it isn’t a bad idea.

Guaranteed nut busting with a new girl= Acceptable. Obviously, you aren’t supposed to bail on your good friends in order to go fuck, but true friends will understand, unless you’re going to fuck their girl, or the two of you have signed up for a 2-on-2 basketball tournament or something. If you have yet to slide inside this girl, and it has been established that by choosing this hoe over bros, you are guaranteed penetration, go ahead. However, the wild card here is that you should invite your friends to join you in busting this nut whenever possible. The old adage remains true, nothing build friendships more than traveling together, and in this situation, running train together is the best trip I can think of.

High-rated hoes over bros = Acceptable. This is another situation where it is acceptable to abandon your current friends in order to pursue the puss. No REAL friend is going to get mad if you disappear to go chase a fine ass dime, you just have to make sure to tell them all the details when you return. 10’s are protected under this statute, as well as 9’s. If you are approached by your friends and called a bitch for trying to go leave, they are most likely jealously cockblocking you.

Extreme drought = Acceptable. If you’re blue balls have gone from sky, to royal to navy and are now approaching a shade of purple, you are granted a pardon to penetrate. I wouldn’t even wish a dry streak on my worst enemies, so if your friends give you a hard time about bailing on them, tell them your story. Anything over 3 months without smashing, and you have reached an extreme drought and need to get your dick wet ASAP.

Retaliation desertion in hopes of insertion = Perhaps Acceptable. It happens, some dude always disappears to go be with some gal, and it isn’t always during an acceptable situation. Let’s say your best friend bailed on you last week when he was supposed to be tearing down the walls in your house, in order to tear down some girl’s wall instead. If his situation doesn’t correspond to one of the three that I mentioned above, you are now given an opportunity to do the same. Granted that it is within one week of his, and the girl you bail on him with is of equal or hotter value than his was. Bonus points (though a little grimy) if it is the same girl that he bailed on you for.

Checking something off your checklist = Perhaps Acceptable. In the grand sexual scope, we all have a checklist that we hope to accomplish before our penises become obsolete and hoes no longer have a use for us. These checklists vary in length and difficulty depending on how skilled the man thinks he is. However, if you are within reach of checking off a high-ranked goal on your checklist, it is, at times, acceptable to leave the group in order to chase it. This could include anal sex, Eiffel tower, nutting on faces, a threesome, a MILF, a prom queen, etc, all depending on your personal list. Basically anything that will give you a good story to tell your friends is acceptable, after all, they deserve to be rewarded for being so understanding.

Prudes over dudes = NOT Acceptable. We are all on a mission of jizzing, which explains, very simply, why this is a no-go. You should, under no circumstances, leave your friends in order to chill with a girl who isn’t going to give it up. Exceptions include girlfriends (but why would you be dating a prude), foreign-exchange students (cultural differences are understandable) and taking the prude away from the group in order to protect your friends. However, if you are, somehow, able to Kenyan run through a girl previously identified as prude, you are granted immunity the next time around, and given another opportunity without fear of repercussions.

These are just a few of the situations that you may encounter on your coochie quest. Remember though, money over bitches and bros before hoes still applies in most situations, so don’t make a habit of bailing.

Until next time, keep on F’ing B’s and G’ing M.