4 New Years Res-HOE-lutions for 2014

With the arrival of a New Year comes the arrival of new hoes, or rather, old hoes trying to act brand new (and much less hoe-like). Because such a valiant attempt is being made by these women to act in a much more reserved, responsible, and less reckless manner, it is necessary for men to recognize this change and adapt their own techniques and personalities accordingly. So I present to you the three most important New Years’ Reshoelutions that a man can make/follow to increase their chances of success with these suddenly-enlightened females.

4. Allow women to be as independent as they'd like.

Don’t be afraid to let a hoe who wants to be more “independent” take you out from time to time, or even purchase the drinks for a night. If it comes down to it, offering to go Dutch (especially on a Dutch Master) makes you look supportive, gentlemanly, and not completely like an ass.

3. Change your dating habits in order to suit their new years’ diets.

As the New Year hits, many girls decide that they’d like to start a new diet and get back into great shape. While this seems like it may be rather expensive for a man to accommodate (after all, Whole Foods is much more expensive than the taquitos and tamales in the lunchline at Fiesta), it really isn’t. If a girl decides that she wants to eat green in the New Year, feel free to take her on a picnic in a grassy park. When she opens the picnic basket and realizes that it is empty, tell her to look around at all the grass surrounding the two of you, and to consider it “Nature’s personal all-you-can-eat buffet”.

2. Change your sexual maneuvers in order to suit their new year’s workout plans.

While many girls want to improve their diet at the start of 2014, an equal amount have promised themselves that they will work out more often to obtain the body of their dreams this year. Don’t be afraid to use this to your advantage. Be more willing to tell a girl to get on her knees when you’re alone, and if she gets mad at you, just tell her that you wanted her to get into push-up form and you’re willing to lead her towards her perfect physique.

In addition, working out with your female companion can lead to many more opportunities for joint showers. Not to mention, increased flexibility...

1. Change the way that you text.

It is a well-known fact that girls love men with an accent. However, very few of us actually have legitimate accents (shoutout to all my foreign friends though), so we must work with what we have. So in the New Year, men should make an effort to use more random accents, umlauts and squigglies whenever possible while you are texting. After all, doesn’t “ÿõů fîňę ğiŕł” look much more cultured than “you fine girl”? Go forth and be cultured. I have faith in you all.

NOTE- If you are still working with a phone that can’t make that happen, you can attempt to try to use numbers and symbols instead and hope that the girl you’re talking to thinks you are speaking some exclusive new language. “y()u f!n3 g|rl”.

I hope everybody had a successful holiday break and that 2014 is your luckiest one yet.