The Lightweight Drinking Hoe- This is a hoe that most people will encounter quite often, because it is a common problem among all women, not just the promiscuous ones. When a normal girl gets drunk, they get 33% more hoe-ish on average, but when a hoe gets trashed, her hoe-percentage skyrockets to optimum levels. When she was sober, she had a little bit of morals and wouldn't just allow anything inside her vagina, but when given a few mixed drinks, the very flimsy vaginal shield she once had is now nowhere to be found.
How To Slide Inside- If you plan on getting with the Light Drinking Hoe, all you really need to do is wait until 10:30 at any party, keep a few reserve beers in your pocket, and not have any serious facial deformations, a functioning penis, and you should be in!
Difficulty Rating- 5/10 before drunk, 2/10 when hammered.
The Hoe Who Fakes Drunk- Not to be confused with the LDH, the Hoe Who Fakes Drunk is a common visitor or parties all around the land. At first, it may be difficult to differentiate between the two, but with my help, you will be able to point out the faker in no time.
First, notice that upon arrival, she has a certain drink in her hand, yet when you see her 45 minutes later, she still has the same drink, that is a dead giveaway. Also, when first initiating conversation with aforementioned hoe, her speech patterns may change drastically when the subject of penis is first broached. She may have been speaking just fine earlier, but once the cock enters the conversation, you'll notice that she starts slurring her speech more; "oh, you play furtball? how serxy". She may then start stumbling when walking, and end up bumping into you and accidentally grazing your penis more often as well, but do not be afraid. A girl pretending to be drunk to obtain the treasured man-trunk is even easier than one who is actually drunk! But if you don't feel comfortable fucking a sober girl, just offer to go shot for shot with her. Be sure to avoid doing this by any sinks, plants or windows to ensure that she doesn't throw it somewhere...
How To Slide Inside- Ignore her poor attempts at being hammered, and just accept her for what she is; a hoe who would enjoy you inside her. It doesn't take much, especially if she has already shown interest, a song by 3oh!3, Britney Spears, or anything along those lines will probably push her over the edge and have you laid in no time.
Difficulty Rating- The easiest of all known hoes (excluding the passed out ones, but i do not condone that sort of hoe, sorry), if there is a girl pretending to be drunk to have sex with you, she's either extra hoe-ish, or you're just irresistible. Either way, high five! 1/10
The Hoe Who Was Left Alone While Her Best Friend Goes and Fucks- This is personally one of my favorites, because it means that another guy is getting lucky at the same time as you, and if you planned it right, it could be your best friend! When first meeting this hoe, you need to be sympathetic, give her not just a penis to suckle on, but also a shoulder to cry on, because she is really hurting, her best friend is getting optimum meat, while she has to settle for you. At the beginning of the night, she may not have even been a hoe, but due to the circumstances, she is in desperate need of love, and she won't stop until she has achieved it, so that she doesn't feel fat and ugly when she talks to her friend later.
How To Slide Inside- If you plan on double teaming on her best friend with your best friend, you're going to need a Grade-A wingman to ensure that the plan goes as planned. After that, all you need to give her is positive reinforcement, tell her that she is much better looking than her friend, and whoever would pick her over you must be blind, or not have the confidence to handle such a top-notch woman.
Difficulty Rating- Depending on how depressed she is over the loss of her friend, she may be just as easy as the fake-drunk, but it depends on how late in the night it is getting. She may hold out hope for a better guy, or her friend to return, telling her that she didn't even fuck him. But when time is running out, she'll reach out for the nearest guy, and take him to any available room, make sure that guy is you! 4/10
The Serial Hoe- These are quite common in every social circle, and they are also the one that you only want to resort to in the most dire of situations. This is the girl that has already hooked up with, and or had sex with 75% of your male friends, and probably 25% of your female friends as well. Every night, she only has one goal; find a new guy to hook up with. If she doesn't have success with a new guy, she will have to go back and hook up with a guy who was good in the past though, so if you hook up with her once, you will always have her in your back pocket.
Her techniques vary from night to night, but usually she is decently attractive, has no curfew and is always down for a good time, alcohol, and penis. She is the girl that you will never see unless in passing at school, or at a party. No casual hanging out, and if you're lucky, she never ends up at your house, because she will eat all your food. This type of hoe is most often encountered during the summer, and by the end of the summer, she will have hooked up with everybody in the group, so if you haven't been one of the chosen few, then your chances increase dramatically with each passing day. Just be patient, and if you really want her, you will have her at some point.
How To Slide Inside- If you have patience, a few redeeming qualities, confidence, and are somewhere near alcohol, you always have a good shot. But if you are in a rush, and want to make it happen in one night, just make sure to go to a party with only people she has already hooked up with, and perhaps had bad experiences with. If you are the last uncharted territory in the room, you're in!
Difficulty Rating- 3/10, but with time, easily a 1/10.
The Underclass Hoe- Whenever you go to parties often, you will realize that there are always young hoes hiding in the woodwork, trying to get some work from the wood. They are generally 2-3 years younger than the majority of people, and if you aren't careful, they might not be legal for some of you. They have aspirations of getting with an older guy, and will stop at nothing to accomplish their goal. They may not be up front about their age, so if you have morals, this may not be the hoe for you. Don't be surprised if friends laugh at you for it later, and if strangers think you're a creeper. BUT, if you want it that badly, i doubt you mind.
How To Slide Inside- You need to lack morals, not look too old, and most importantly in most situations, DO NOT be friends with her older siblings. THOUGH, some hoes will actually see that as a plus, so you never know. A car is definitely important, as why would anyone want to hook up with an older guy without a car? Doesn't make much sense. A source of alcohol is also important, the youngsters are always the moochers.
Difficulty Factor- Just because she wants an older guy doesn't mean she will settle for a lame one, you still need to have some game. 6/10
The About To Go To College And Wants To Have Memories Hoe- This is what us guys in the hoe-business call a "Seasonal Hoe". You will only encounter her at the end of summer, but her level of hoe has reached all time highs, especially on the last night of summer, she will be on a mission to get multiple dicks, and if you don't mind fucking the mayonnaise jar, you will have a good shot at pulling her. If you and your friends plan on making a going-away porno or something along those lines, this is always a safe bet for ending summer with a bang.
How To Slide Inside- Subtly compliment her for a few weeks, just building up for the last night, make sure you get there early so you can keep tracks of how many people she has gotten with and give yourself more time to get with her yourself. This is the most disgusting of the girls, but on the last night of summer, you're probably looking for some memories too. Make sure you have plenty of alcohol to last all night, because this could easily overrun into the morning and give EVERYONE a chance at her.
Difficulty Rating- If she knows who you are before the night starts, you have a wonderful chance of wooing her, and shit, even if you just met her, you may have one as well. Anything can happen on the last night of summer, just don't fuck it up by getting drunk too early and throwing up, that is the only thing that could ruin your chances. 2/10
The Hoe Who Just Lost Her Virginity And Is Now Going On A Spree- This is the only hoe that I have any remorse for, because I understand the feeling of losing your virginity. If she had a poor experience, she may be on a spree hoping to have a good experience that validates giving it up, or if she enjoyed it, she may have just been convinced to be a hoe, either way, she is fair game if you would like to pursue her. Her self esteem may be low, or she may just realize she needs to make up for lost time.
How To Slide Inside- For the most part, it is hard to judge this particular type of hoe, because her motives haven't been completely revealed. We know that she wants somebody to please her though, so if you are a skilled lover, and she hears about it, your chances improve drastically. In conversation slip in some tidbit like; "I gave her 4 orgasms, it was alright I guess"...
Difficulty Factor- A hoe that is new to the game doesn't know all the hoe tricks, so she may be more susceptible to the game you bust out on her. She is ignorant to the ways of promiscuity, so this is your chance to get her while she's young, and clean! 5/10
That is the set of hoes that most men will run into in their endeavors, but don't worry, there are plenty more I will document over time. Honorable mention to the following hoes below though...
- The "I Just Lost a Lot of Weight Hoe"...
- The Hoe Who Just Got Out Of a Long Relationship
- The Hoe Who Just Wants To Get Laid As Much As Her Slutty Mom
- The Hoe Who Wants Interracial Hookups
- The Hoe Who Fucks Everyone In a Group and Then Disappears
- The Hoe Who Pokes Everyone On Facebook to Find Willing Guys
Until next time guys, remember... Heartbreak is better than Herpes...
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