We have all encountered cockblocks, some of them not so dangerous, but every once in a while, you'll run into a major cockblock, and somebody will Dikembe Mutombo the shit of your dick and rub it in your face.
7. Fat Girls- I don't have anything against fat girls, it is fine if they want to live their life, but if they try to block the cock, it is unfair. You don't see hockey teams throwing fat people in as goalie to stop anyone from scoring, because they realize how fucked up it is. The fatter a girl is, the harder it is to get the cock around her block it seems. The sad fact of life is where the hoes are, there will be a fat girl there. If there isn't, you need to thank the lords of love, because you've been spared.
For most girls, they know that keeping a fat girl around is the equivalent of giving their vagina a bodyguard. It protects them when necessary, but they can always call it off if they want to do something on their own.
But don't lose hope though, every fat girl has her price. If you want to get around a fat girl using her obesity to obstruct your game, just offer her some pizza rolls, coupons for half price oreos, or if really necessary, give her some whip cream, chocolate syrup, and point her towards your wingman and tell her to have some fun.
6. Gay Best Friends- Even more dangerous than the fat friend, is the gay guy who accompanies the girl everywhere. Once again, I definitely have no problem with gay guys, I don't judge at all, so that isn't where my anger lies. The fact that whenever you approach a hoe with a gay guy on her arm, he stays there, with nowhere to go, due to the fact that there aren't usually an abundance of gay guys at parties than he can go spit his own game at. So he sticks around, and it is even worse if he thinks you're cute, it makes it awkward, because you're standing there trying to talk to the girl, and who knows what's going on in his head!
It won't be as easy to get him away, as pizza rolls and whatnot won't entice him as much as tube steak would. In the perfect world, we would all have gay friends on speed-dial to come up and wingman for you, but sadly, I don't have speed-dial, or any reliable gay friends. So basically, you'll have to get the gay guy drunk, but BEWARE, make sure you don't get him drunk enough to pass out, otherwise the hoe will have to take care of him. Get him drunk enough to the point that he feels comfortable meandering around the party, possibly hitting on loads of straight men. As long as it isn't you, mission accomplished..
5. Johnny Depp- Damnit, makes all other men look bad. Hoe, you are a high school party on a Thursday, why the fuck do you expect Johnny Depp to show up?
4. Having To Take a Poo- Don't lie. At one point in your life, you were about to have sex with a girl, and you had to take a dump. It is a heartbreaker, because you're right there, about to penetrate, but you fear leakage at any moment. That is alright, you are not alone, don't worry.
Men eat good meals before parties to ensure that they don't drink on an empty stomach, and common knowledge tells us that good meals lead to good bowelmovements, but never let this interfere with the pursuit of hoes. Avoid Taco Bell before parties, that is asking for trouble, and a rookie mistake. Remember, if you get too depressed over your stomach problems, just take solace in the fact that the girl isn't the one who has to poop, because as we all know, girls don't poop, ever.
If you ever do have to resort to pooping before you pull a hoe, you'll most likely want to take a shower. Just to be safe.
3. Ex-Girlfriends- This is the one that I will never understand, but always encounter the most. You go to a party, have success with a few hoes, are feeling good about yourself, and then all of a sudden... An ex-girlfriend strolls into the place, and it becomes awkward. Not because I make a big deal out of it, but because she out hoes the hoes, and won't leave you alone all night. This is where a wingman is more important. An ex-girl may think that she is getting back at you by fucking your best friend, but in reality, you are just glad your buddy got some! You need an attractive, good friend to accompany you around to make sure she never gets close, always making sure she never gets within reaching distance of your penis, because she will probably manhandle it.
Whenever necessary, switch social groups away from your exes, because they are nothing but trouble. Don't you find it funny that once you date a girl and it ends, you finally realize how much of a hoe she really was?
2. The Self Cockblock (Forgetting a Condom)- This is the one that puts most guys out of the game. I do not promote sex with hoes without a condom, I don't want anybody getting herpes because of my blog, i can't have that on my conscious! To make sure this never happens, keep spare condoms wherever you can. Car glove compartment, inside your fitted cap, in your shoe, wallet, shit, if necessary, put a condom on your dick before you leave the house for the night if possible.
You can't blame a fat girl if you forget a condom, that's all on you...
AND THE NUMBER ONE COCKBLOCK...
1. Curfew- The most forgotten cockblock of this generation is the curfew. It ruins perfectly good opportunities, and limits countless others. If you know that a girl has to be home at midnight, you need to start your pursuit before 11, and the party may not even be getting started by that time. And because most men do not think ahead, you are usually hard pressed for time when the hookup is right in front of you. Of course, you can always get the girl to go home and then sneak back out, but in this situation, you better damn well have a good performance to make that worthwhile, otherwise she will hold a grudge against you for quite a while.. The curfew brings the dilemma that many men have faced for years...
Do I nut quickly and let her go home on time? Or do I sneak her out and be forced to have sex for much longer than I'd like, placing added pressure on myself just to appease the effort she made to have sex with me...? You decide.
Until next time, keep on pulling.
#1 cockblock...curfew?
ReplyDeletehow old are you, 12?