With the arrival of a New Year comes the arrival of new
hoes, or rather, old hoes trying to act brand new (and much less hoe-like).
Because such a valiant attempt is being made by these women to act in a much
more reserved, responsible, and less reckless manner, it is necessary for men
to recognize this change and adapt their own techniques and personalities
accordingly. So I present to you the three most important New Years’ Reshoelutions
that a man can make/follow to increase their chances of success with these
suddenly-enlightened females.
4. Allow women to be as independent as they'd like.
Don’t be afraid to let a hoe who wants to be more “independent”
take you out from time to time, or even purchase the drinks for a night. If it
comes down to it, offering to go Dutch (especially on a Dutch Master) makes you
look supportive, gentlemanly, and not completely like an ass.
3. Change your dating habits in order to suit their new years’ diets.
As the New Year hits, many girls decide that they’d like to
start a new diet and get back into great shape. While this seems like it may be
rather expensive for a man to accommodate (after all, Whole Foods is much more
expensive than the taquitos and tamales in the lunchline at Fiesta), it really
isn’t. If a girl decides that she wants to eat green in the New Year, feel free
to take her on a picnic in a grassy park. When she opens the picnic basket and
realizes that it is empty, tell her to look around at all the grass surrounding
the two of you, and to consider it “Nature’s personal all-you-can-eat buffet”.
2. Change your sexual maneuvers in order to suit their new year’s workout plans.
While many girls want to improve their diet at the start of
2014, an equal amount have promised themselves that they will work out more
often to obtain the body of their dreams this year. Don’t be afraid to use this
to your advantage. Be more willing to tell a girl to get on her knees when you’re alone,
and if she gets mad at you, just tell her that you wanted her to get into
push-up form and you’re willing to lead her towards her perfect physique.
In addition, working out with your female companion can lead
to many more opportunities for joint showers. Not to mention, increased
flexibility...
1. Change the way that you text.
It is a well-known fact that girls love men with an accent.
However, very few of us actually have legitimate accents (shoutout to all my
foreign friends though), so we must work with what we have.
So in the New Year, men should make an effort to use more random accents,
umlauts and squigglies whenever possible while you are texting. After all,
doesn’t “ÿõů fîňę ğiŕł”
look much more cultured than “you fine girl”? Go forth and be cultured. I have
faith in you all.
NOTE- If you are still working with a phone that can’t make
that happen, you can attempt to try to use numbers and symbols instead and hope
that the girl you’re talking to thinks you are speaking some exclusive new language.
“y()u f!n3 g|rl”.
I hope everybody had a successful holiday break and that 2014 is your luckiest one yet.