Summer Is Coming, Will You Be Too?

During the summer, the temperatures rise, and if you’re lucky, hoes will be wearing minimal clothing. But of course, just because they are wearing less doesn’t mean they have somehow become easier to seduce. On the contrary, hoes get stingy when they get sweaty, so get ready.

In a perfect world, there would be plenty of hoes to go around for all of us, especially during the summer when living is easy. Sadly though, that is not the case, so I’m here to help you, so that hopefully, you can pull a hoe and mix your semen with her sweat when she is wet.

First off, during the summer, there are always going to be more people around, including cockblockers and ugly friends. So you will need to find a niche in order to get a bitch.

1. A pool. The easiest way to attract hoes to your area, is with a nice pool for them to cool down. Of course, the nicer the pool, the higher-class the girl you will end up with, including a correlation between water-depth and female rating. 10 foot pool, complete with diving board? You will be looking at pulling a certified dime, and maybe even twins. BUT, if you’re working with an inflatable kiddie-pool, you’re probably going to find yourself swimming with a girl so fat that she’ll drain the pool of water when she steps in.

When you’re around the pool, there are plenty of props you can use to guage how interested a certain target may be. Does she seem eager to play with the pool noodle? Well there you go, she is just roleplaying, daydreaming of your dick while she is diving in the deep end. Another sign of possible willingness to wax your wang would be chicken-fighting. Of course, if she wants to chicken fight, there is nothing wrong with that. But if you two are alone, and she still tries to mount your shoulders for seemingly no reason, she may just be dry humping your neck. (now that’s a real humpback, ha)….


2. A six-pack. Obviously, you’re going to want to be comfortable in the heat, so you may be taking off your shirt from time to time. This is the time where being in shape comes in handy the most. If you take your shirt off, and your looking like Channing Tatum, it’s almost guaranteed that you will have eyes and hands all over you. Of course, if you don’t have washboard abs, you’re going to need to carry your own 6-pack arounds. Because if there is one thing that hoes like more than fit dudes, it is free alcohol. Also, keep in mind, that regardless of how fit a guy is, your amount of beers can/will always surpass his amount of abs. If you want a real advantage, just bust out a thirty pack to put his six to shame, and you will steal a hoe so quickly the guys abs will be moist with his tears.


3. An empty house. During the summer, most hoes waste there days, trying to figure out what they are going to do that night. They will usually sit at popular hipster coffee houses, or try to find the nearest empty house to plan probable penis penetration. If you have your own apartment/house, or even if your parents are gone during the day, you have an advantage. You can start the intoxication/swimming early, and have a hoe-pulled early enough so that she can go down on you in synchronization with the sun. Talk about convenient!


4. Separate friend groups. When summer arrived, everybody had big plans about branching out, meeting new people, and expanding the horizons of hoe-pulling. But usually, that doesn’t work out, and you stay around the same group so long you can keep give a detailed description of the dicks that girls have taken through the years. A sort of scrapbook of sluttiness.

But if you are able to branch out on your own and bring new people into the group, you can increase the number of possible targets. Plus, you can bring outside hoes in to alleviate the pressure, and perhaps distract everyone while you pull a girl you may have had your eye on. While this is still an experimental procedure, I have seen positive results from it. Just make sure that you don’t accidentally lose all your hoes from the other group AND miss out on what you wanted from the original group.

AND IF ALL ELSE FAILS…


5. Vacation. So, you were having trouble pulling hoes in your hometown? Don’t lose hope, hop a train or plane and go and find yourself a long-distance dame. After all, nobody there will know who you are, and you have a clean slate. Even better, if you accidentally fuck an ugly hoe, you can just end your vacation and come back home, and nobody here will know anything about it. You can return refreshed, with improved confidence, and perhaps while you were gone, hoes will have missed you enough to give you a welcome home handjob!


Hopefully this all helped a bit, and you will be able to start the summer off right with a nice a bang (get it? Ha!).

Good luck getting lucky.

Emergency Tips in Times of Hoe-Pulling Desperation...

If you ever think that you’re at a disadvantage, and need something extra to pull some hoes, I have just the tips for you. So, you don’t have much game, you’re shy, or you basically don’t know what hoes enjoy? Don’t worry, I have a few steps, that if followed correctly, will lead to your pulling of aforementioned hoes…


1. Hidden beers- Ever see a party at 2 AM where hoes are on a treasure hunt around the house looking for the last drops of alcohol left in the house? Well if you plan ahead, and keep a secret surplus of beer, you will put yourself into a much better position to penetrate. Even beers which would normally be unacceptable to drink in public, (Milwaukee’s Best, Bud Ice, Schlitz, etc) now become currency in the hoe-marketplace, and you’re looking like an entrepreneur of entering pussy…

2. A good, comfortable sleeping location- At the end of the night, when you’re getting ready to lay down in order to sleep off all the light beer and cheap liquor in your system, you’re going to want to find a bed or pullout couch. Because when all the hoes are passing out, none of them want to fall asleep on the floor, and will, in extreme situations trade blowjobs for bed-room. A good wingman will help you save a spot on the bed to give to the hoe, though some may call 2 men gay for sharing a bed, but you’ll get the last laugh when you’re fucking someone in a queen bed while everyone else has blue balls, and is laying in piles of puke around the house.

3. Gum/Mints- The most forgotten tool of all, you must, I repeat, MUST, carry some mints or gum with you throughout the night. Because by the time everybody is going to bed, there will be a good mix of cigarette breath, weed breath, 40 breath, and or Hummus breath. Every good wingman keeps mints with them in order to save their friend in a moment of need. Nothing dries a vagina or softens a dick quicker than halitosis.

As the night passes, and everybody loses their belongings, make sure that you're prepared! The following items, while not crucial to your mission are still important:

• Lighter
• Blanket
• Phone battery
• Toilet paper
• Friends
• Dignity (optional)

For now though, just remember: Keep a reserve of all necessary ingredients to getting fucked up, because at the end of the night, their value triples. I’ve seen people give $5 for a cigarette, half-handjobs for a hit off a blunt, and I almost saw a girl have sex for a sandwich… Hopefully that makes you think twice about packing a lunch before a party.

Although, sometimes, all you need to pull a hoe is confidence and a couple good, smooth pick-up lines.. (Of cocaine.)

Until next time, good luck and strap up.

Hoe-Pulling Profile: Dick Nuble (Name Changed To Protect a Legend)

Have you ever seen somebody who is just so cool, calm and collected around women that you can't help but get jealous? Somebody with such exceptional hoe-pulling skill that you can't understand how they do it? I've seen exactly that in one man I know, and I'm going to point out some of the ways he pulls the hoes he does...

#5- The Minor Jewfro- It takes a special person to be able to pull off the Jewfro, and this man does it with perfection, not too goofy, not too serious. During sex, hoes can't help but touch it to see how fluffy it is, and it gives just enough length for girls to hold onto while riding him. Hopefully he doesn't have a sensitive scalp. Not to mention, the jewfro adds a good 1.5 inches to his height.

#4- Fanny Pack- This man singlehandedly brought the fanny pack back from the dead. Not only that, but his fanny pack turns into a raincoat! Not only will it pull hoes for him, it will protect him from getting wet as he pulls them! While in fanny pack mode, it is perfect for holding cigarettes, money for alcohol and a good amount of condoms just in case.

#3- Lack Of Underwear- A trend that is becoming more widely accepted throughout the community, wearing jeans without underwear is this man's number one skill. He does not fear uncomfortable rashes at all, and this fearlessness serves him well in his pursuit of hoes. Hipster hoes dig it.

#2- Dual Wielding 40's- Imagine if you were playing halo, and you could dual-wield shotguns... 40's in both hands is the real life equivalent, not only do they make a damn good weapon when a herpes-hoe run towards you, you can always drink them as well. When a hoe sees a guy holding two 40s, you probably thinks two things... Number one, "oh my, he spent $5 on malt liquor? in this recession, he must be the hipster king!", and number two, "i wonder what i'll have to do to get that other 40 from him!". Either way, she'll be on her knees worshipping you in one way or another, if you know what I mean...

#1- The Mini Van- The ultimate weapon in his arsenal has to be the mini van of many vags. The most noticeable vehicle of the group, when you see it pull up, you know hoes are about to be pulled. It may not look like much from the outside, but once you get inside, you'll see why many girls have been unable to leave the van, (this may also have something to do with them being passed out). The floor of the van is covered with OE and whenever you take a sharp turn, another bottle rolls around the back right to you! Even better, if Dick Nuble ever wanted to stray from the normal hoes and roll to a different group, he'd be right at home with the soccer moms. "Oh, you need to go pick up your son from his game? Let's hop in my van". No smoother words have ever been spoken to women 35+.

Not to mention this man is just plain smooth. An up and coming beer pong player, a good taste in music, and bunk beds! Who wouldn't want to be pulled by this man?

The Temperature Is Going Down On All Of Us, And Soon The Hoes Will Too!

It is common knowledge that women are easier to come by as the weather gets colder. November and December are statistically the easiest months to pull hoes, after all, isn’t stuffing the Thanksgiving turkey just a metaphor for sex? Plus, isn't Hannukah just 8 days of dick when it comes down to it?

Opportunities to cuddle, hold hands and share blankets rise exponentially, and most of the work is already done. Cheer up, get in the holiday spirit, you’ll come away with at least one whornament to hang on your tree. I'll try to give you a few suggestions for the hoe-liday season.

Halloween- When it comes to giving candy, you need to know how to scout a hoe by the type of candy she is eating... Snickers, Milky Way, those are boring, avoid all hoes eating those. But if you see a hoe eating a butterfinger, move in! She is a fan of the long hard center and that speaks volumes about her. In addition to her, watch out for any girl eating a cadbury cream egg, as she has already had some cream in her mouth once that day, might as well make it twice. Also, while Reeses is a great candy, if you see a subpar hoe with them, you might as well take the Reeses and just say forget the girl.

Trick or treating is fun, but instead of giving out candy at your house, why not condoms and lube? Any girl who actually comes by to get some is basically asking you for it!

Which Costumed-Hoes Should You Pursue?

#1- The Maid- She is already offering to be a servant to your demands, and you haven't even asked!

#2- Sexy Nurse- A very common costume, but a safe choice nonetheless. A girl who is relatively clean and willing to kiss any booboo you may have.

#3- Playboy Bunny- Another common costume choice, you will still be with a girl with no creativity, but the costume usually accentuates the butt so you'll get a nice look if you want to put it where her tail is. After all, she knew she was going to end up bunny hopping on a cock when she picked that costume.

What Costumes To Avoid?

#1- All Disney Characters- She is either going to be too young, or has some fairy-tale idea in her head. Do you really want to have to take her to a ball and rescue her slipper before you get to slip her (the dick)?

#2- Angels- The wings on her back may be eerily similar to the loose, flapping wings you may find when you explore her vagina...

Thanksgiving and Christmas tips coming soon.

Random Hoe-Pulling Observations In Recent Interaction...

I apologize for the downtime the blog experienced, but I am back to share the knowledge with you once again. I have had a few interesting encounters recently, and i'd like to share them in order to hopefully educate you at least a bit...

• Some hoes actually like when you say that you're a creeper and/or facebook stalker. Girls with low self esteem suddenly feel important when you notify them that you have been secretly looking at their facebooks or stalking them. It's weird I know, but I suppose girls would rather be creeped on, than be an anonymous vag. If you can use this to your advantage, go ahead and give it a shot. Beware though, if tried on the wrong girl, you may have someone's mom knocking on your door...
  
  
• In a room full of 16 year old white hoes, Miley Cyrus's Party in The USA is best wingman you could ever ask for...
  
  
• The higher the quality beer you're drinking, the higher quality hoe you will pull, PROVEN FACT! If you're sipping on keystone, AKA piss, you will, most likely end up with a hoe who will offer to drink your piss. Another warning; if you're just getting with hoes who drink 40's with you, take note of the fact how well they handle that big bottle. It may be a sign that their vagina has, in the past, handled things almost as large.
  
  
• If a hoe asks you for a sip of beer, she may also asking, silently of course, for a sip of your splooge.
  
  
• Two things in the world are impossible; licking your elbow, and fucking in a Smart Car.
  
  
• Nothing improves sexual performance more than ultra ribbed condoms.
  
  
• Ever been in a hurry to gauge whether or not you think a girl has a suitably clean vaginal region? Take a quick check at her toes. If they are painted nicely, good to go. If she's got stubbed toes, broken nails and discoloration and/or many callouses, you're probably going to run into some discoloration and callouses down under as well.
  
  
• When drunk, remember, you don't literally PULL the hoe. That usually results in getting slapped. Although, if you can literally just pull one, you have more game than 99% of America.
  
  
• Secret trick of the day: When laying in bed behind a girl, out of nowhere, ask for a high five, but when she turns around instead of your hand she makes contact with, replace it with your penis... WARNING- Some girls high five really, really hard. : (
  

I'll be updating more often, this was just a little bit to catch you up on the game in the last few weeks.

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