When NOT To Pull Hoes...

Most people like pulling hoes, that is a well-known fact, but that doesn't mean that you should devote all of your time and energy to pull a hoe, that would be silly. If you head to a party with the sole intention of pulling a hoe, either you have blue balls, or you are far too reliant on busting nuts. Hoes should be the icing on the cake of a party, not the cake itself (and no, just because hoes are the icing, that doesn't mean you should lick your fingers after you put your hands in the cake, that could turn out badly).

All i'm saying, is that don't build your night around pulling a hoe unless they are top notch, or it's a really lame party. There are times when pulling hoes works out perfectly, and then there are times when you should forget the hoes and do something else. Here is a list of the times when you should definitely NOT be focusing on pulling hoes.

• While Running The Beer Pong Table- It's a well known fact that hoes love athletes, it's been evident all throughout middle school, high school, college, shit, just look at all the pro athletes who have gotten in trouble because of hoes. If Ben Roethlisberger would have been running a beer pong table, there is no way that he could have been in the bathroom raping that hoe. Beer pong keeps you from being a rapist, Big Ben has proven this point twice!
  
  That being said, if you're on the pong table, and you're undefeated, or have a nice win streak going, you have no reason whatsoever to leave to pursue a hoe. They have probably already flocked to the cock to witness the display of dominance. Now all you have to do is recruit them to do your work for you; getting beers to fill up the cups, refilling the water cup, blowing on the balls for good luck, and maybe even showing their boobs to distract the other team. (Once a girl is willing to show her boobs to your enemy in order to assist you, you know you have her pulled).
  
  If you're really good, just pull her while you're ponging , and even get your pong partner in on the fun. Let's say you maybe want to run train on some hoe watching the pong, just nonchalantly announce to the hoe; "Hey hoe, look at this, same cup", and then proceed to sink the same cup as your teammate and ask her if she'd like to turn this "BP" into some "DP".
  
  
• While Watching A Sporting Event- Sometimes, you may show up to a party, and there will be a game on, and you'll sit down to watch it. As a connoisseur of both sports and hoes, I have to say that watching a good game is favorable to pulling a good hoe. The suspense, uncertainty and excitement of sports is tough to find in hoes, after all, there is no overtime or last second game-winning shots in the game of pulling hoes.
  
  Once the hoes notice that you have chosen sports over them, they will try to find a way to seduce you away from the television and into their vagina, DO NOT GIVE IN! They may start by just saying their own 'That's What She Said"s to the commentary. "They need to go deeper if they expect to score", "They just pounded that one in there while nobody was looking", "Almost the whole team got in on that one!", etc... You know the hoes are desperate when they're calling there own TWSS's, but you cannot give in. After all, I think halftime was actually invented as an intermission for insertion, so just smash at the half if you must!
  
  
• While On a Beer Run- This is the most unforgivable sin of them all; focusing on a bitch when you should be focusing on beer. No good will ever come from this happening. If a hoe tags along, she'll probably be all touchy-feely, asking for you to buy her some Mike's Hard Lemonade, when everyone knows damn well she just want some hard cock.
  
  Refrain from spitting game until after the beer has been successfully purchased, and then return to the party a hero. Because if something comes up, and you get distracted by dicking some hoe down, the corner store closes, and you miss out on beer, you have pretty much singlehandedly ruined the night, cockblocked all of your friends, and you suck. Just by buying the beer, you've been the best wingman your friends could ask for, don't let a hoe ruin that.
  
  
• While Playing Edward 40 Hands- It is just impractical. You have two 40s taped in your hands, and your racing to finish them. You won't be able to grab any titties, and you'll basically just miss out on some of the best parts of a hoe.
  
  After all, what is the point in pulling a hoe if you can't high five your friends afterwards!?
  
  
• While Smoking a Blunt- This is the mistake that I see more often than any other, dudes who let hoes jump in on their blunt in hopes of hoes letting them, in turn, jump in their cunt. Do not waste dro on a hoe. If you're going to let a hoe in on a blunt, make sure you receive equal compensation. If you're going to let her in on your hotbox, she better let you in HER hotbox! If she wants to get blown, she has to blow.
  
  

Of course, these aren't the only times that pulling hoes isn't practical, but I think these are the ones that people most commonly make mistakes with. We all love the satisfaction that comes with pulling a new hoe, but make sure that it doesn't stop you from doing the things you need to.

Bros before hoes.
Blunts before hoes.
Beer run before hoes.

Keep pullin'.

Should I Break A Sweat On My Mission To Bust A Nut?

I'm sure there have been times when you're sitting at a party, or at some sort of shindig, scoping the room for penetration possibilities, and you have asked yourself... "Should I break a sweat on my mission to bust a nut?" And the answer is an overwhelming NO!

The perspiration-to-penetration ratio should ALWAYS be in your favor.

That being said, if you're going after more than one hoe at a time, or if you're going after an unconquered summit of sluttiness, a few beads of sweat are allowed, but you should never be drenched in pursuit of a wench.

The only towel that should be used while your with a hoe should be used to wipe up semen, not sweat.

Last but not least, NEVER pull a muscle while trying to pull a hoe. They might get the idea that they are worth chasing after, when in reality, we all know that 'hoes, they come they go'...

So now you're asking, "If I can't overexert myself for a hoe, what can I do to pull them that burns the least calories?"

• Offer to get them a drink, but only if it is already in your hand, or if you're within reaching distance of the fridge. If possible, recruit another hoe to bring you AND your aforementioned hoe a beverage, shucks, tell her she can even get one for herself!
  
  
• While it is alright to explore the house for a possible target, you should never be in a rush. After all, when the clock strikes midnight, all the girls who were already hoes won't magically switch back to respectable girls. (That doesn't happen until the sun comes up. So be sure that they go down on you before the sun rises on you both.)
  
  
• Let's say that a hoe wants you to fight for her and her pride, respectfully decline, or offer to play Rock, Paper, Scissors instead. If the hoe is upset that you didn't fight for her honor, remind her that the only honor you are familiar with is cumming on-her (honor). Plus, if you are victorious in your R,P,S endeavors, she should be happy, it is a sign that you know what to do with your hands/fingers!
  
  
• Offer to participate in activities that don't take much movement, such as volunteering to sit there while she fellationates you. What girl wouldn't be flattered that you'd offer to sit still for so long while they got there exercise for the day!
  
  
• Save your breath for later, don't even waste your energy on words. Text the girl instead, even if you're sitting right next to her. If she has the nerve to ask you why you are texting her while she is sitting right next to you, just tell her that she took your breath away and you are speechless. This will make her blush, and increase your chances of seeing her bush, tenfold.
  
  

• Don't waste any more time, ask her if she'd like to go for a walk, and she will most likely oblige. But once you get up, start walking towards the nearest bedroom or vacant room for vaginal roaming. Once you pass it, tell her that you have sprained your ankle. Be sure to make it believable, your ow! face should slightly resemble your oh! face in order to convince her that you've really hurt yourself. Enter aforementioned room so that she can tend to your injury, and you are home free. After all, if a girl is willing to rub your ankle, why wouldn't she rub your penis too, they are both bony body parts, it would be dick-scrimination if she were to refuse.
  
  

There you go, no need to get yourself all worked up and work too hard for a run-of-the-mill hoe. Improvise my plan where needed and fit it to your own style in order to ensure it's success.

Stay strapped and always remember, hoes are like tug-o-war, keep pulling hard, and eventually you'll have success.

Two Girls/One Bed, What Must Be Done To Ensure a Threesome?

We've all (well, those of us with good game and good luck) been in a situation where a threesome could happen if you play your cards right. I'll try to give a few tips to make sure it works out right (one ball for each girl and sharing the shaft)...

Sharing A Bed- Let's say that you're in bed with two girls, but it is just a little bit awkward because they both want the dick but don't want to share... This could be looked at as quite a wonderful dilemma, because most likely you'll end up with at least one of them when it is all said and done.

1. Let's say you're just sitting in bed, sitting in an awkward silence, the tension making conversation tough. Just pipe up out of nowhere and break the silence, saying "Hey, you know what my favorite number is? 3! Such an awesome number, don't you guys agree? EVERYTHING is better in 3s!" Then check their reactions, and work from there.
   
   
2. If you happen to have a deck of cards near you, grab them and tell the girls that you're about to do a magic trick. Deal three cards "randomly", one to you, and one to each of the girls, and tell them to flip them on the count of THREE. Then you all magically flip over threes, but you have the three of hearts! Act amazed and point out how unlikely it was to all flip the same card, perhaps it is fate even!
   
   
   
   If none of those plans have worked yet, either you have really shy threesome-participants, or they are terrible at picking up on hints. At this point, you need to choose one to make the other jealous, hopefully leading to the promise land.
   
   
3. Get under the covers and pretend that you are going to sleep, and start playing footsie with both girls, but don't make it obvious. Eventually, just move your feet out of the way, and let the two girls play footsie with each other, and see where that goes (NOTE: this only works well if both girls have foot fetishes, or are stupid enough to not realize that they are now toeing a much more feminine foot..)
   
   
4. Say that you're going to take a shower, and leave something in the room that you're going to end up needing. When you're in the bathroom ready to hop in, just yell out if somebody can bring in your (enter random item here) and see which girl volunteers to do it. Usually, the girl who is more eager for the dick will jump up quickly and retrieve your item for you. This is where you get to make a choice, are you satisfied with just one of the girls, or do you yell back out for another item, and see if the other girl can bring it for you? "hey, i left my blowjob in the room, can you bring it to me?" Usually works pretty well.
   
   
5. Well now you're running out of time, the two hoes pussies have probably dried up because of too much foreplay (or should I say, threeplay? ha!). You're going to need to make a move quickly, and you only have one chance.
   
   Just grab both of their hands and just put them on your dick to coerce them into what you'd like. I mean, the worst case scenario if you do that, would be the two girls playing thumb war around your dick, and the winner gets it. That doesn't sound bad at all, does it? (Just make sure they don't patty cake between your penis, that could be painful)
   
   
6. LAST, but not least, the ultimate way to get a threesome started. I would have mentioned it earlier, but I feel as though it is unfair. Never Have I Ever... I feel that when you combine NHIE + alcohol + hoes, it is almost automatic. A few questions in, girls are usually naked, and once you say "Never have I ever had a threesome" there is a 75% chance that everyone in the room is about to add that one to their list... So if you are about to give up, and you decide that you really need this trifecta for your erecta, start the game and bask in it's whore-y glory.
   
   
   

By now, if the two girls have been able to refrain from riding you, they are either too shy for it to ever happen, or just want you out of the room so they can have lesbian fun. If that is the case, you are terrible at choosing threesome partners, you may want to hand out applications next time to ensure that you don't end up with such prudes...

Summer Is Coming, Will You Be Too?

During the summer, the temperatures rise, and if you’re lucky, hoes will be wearing minimal clothing. But of course, just because they are wearing less doesn’t mean they have somehow become easier to seduce. On the contrary, hoes get stingy when they get sweaty, so get ready.

In a perfect world, there would be plenty of hoes to go around for all of us, especially during the summer when living is easy. Sadly though, that is not the case, so I’m here to help you, so that hopefully, you can pull a hoe and mix your semen with her sweat when she is wet.

First off, during the summer, there are always going to be more people around, including cockblockers and ugly friends. So you will need to find a niche in order to get a bitch.

1. A pool. The easiest way to attract hoes to your area, is with a nice pool for them to cool down. Of course, the nicer the pool, the higher-class the girl you will end up with, including a correlation between water-depth and female rating. 10 foot pool, complete with diving board? You will be looking at pulling a certified dime, and maybe even twins. BUT, if you’re working with an inflatable kiddie-pool, you’re probably going to find yourself swimming with a girl so fat that she’ll drain the pool of water when she steps in.

When you’re around the pool, there are plenty of props you can use to guage how interested a certain target may be. Does she seem eager to play with the pool noodle? Well there you go, she is just roleplaying, daydreaming of your dick while she is diving in the deep end. Another sign of possible willingness to wax your wang would be chicken-fighting. Of course, if she wants to chicken fight, there is nothing wrong with that. But if you two are alone, and she still tries to mount your shoulders for seemingly no reason, she may just be dry humping your neck. (now that’s a real humpback, ha)….


2. A six-pack. Obviously, you’re going to want to be comfortable in the heat, so you may be taking off your shirt from time to time. This is the time where being in shape comes in handy the most. If you take your shirt off, and your looking like Channing Tatum, it’s almost guaranteed that you will have eyes and hands all over you. Of course, if you don’t have washboard abs, you’re going to need to carry your own 6-pack arounds. Because if there is one thing that hoes like more than fit dudes, it is free alcohol. Also, keep in mind, that regardless of how fit a guy is, your amount of beers can/will always surpass his amount of abs. If you want a real advantage, just bust out a thirty pack to put his six to shame, and you will steal a hoe so quickly the guys abs will be moist with his tears.


3. An empty house. During the summer, most hoes waste there days, trying to figure out what they are going to do that night. They will usually sit at popular hipster coffee houses, or try to find the nearest empty house to plan probable penis penetration. If you have your own apartment/house, or even if your parents are gone during the day, you have an advantage. You can start the intoxication/swimming early, and have a hoe-pulled early enough so that she can go down on you in synchronization with the sun. Talk about convenient!


4. Separate friend groups. When summer arrived, everybody had big plans about branching out, meeting new people, and expanding the horizons of hoe-pulling. But usually, that doesn’t work out, and you stay around the same group so long you can keep give a detailed description of the dicks that girls have taken through the years. A sort of scrapbook of sluttiness.

But if you are able to branch out on your own and bring new people into the group, you can increase the number of possible targets. Plus, you can bring outside hoes in to alleviate the pressure, and perhaps distract everyone while you pull a girl you may have had your eye on. While this is still an experimental procedure, I have seen positive results from it. Just make sure that you don’t accidentally lose all your hoes from the other group AND miss out on what you wanted from the original group.

AND IF ALL ELSE FAILS…


5. Vacation. So, you were having trouble pulling hoes in your hometown? Don’t lose hope, hop a train or plane and go and find yourself a long-distance dame. After all, nobody there will know who you are, and you have a clean slate. Even better, if you accidentally fuck an ugly hoe, you can just end your vacation and come back home, and nobody here will know anything about it. You can return refreshed, with improved confidence, and perhaps while you were gone, hoes will have missed you enough to give you a welcome home handjob!


Hopefully this all helped a bit, and you will be able to start the summer off right with a nice a bang (get it? Ha!).

Good luck getting lucky.

Emergency Tips in Times of Hoe-Pulling Desperation...

If you ever think that you’re at a disadvantage, and need something extra to pull some hoes, I have just the tips for you. So, you don’t have much game, you’re shy, or you basically don’t know what hoes enjoy? Don’t worry, I have a few steps, that if followed correctly, will lead to your pulling of aforementioned hoes…


1. Hidden beers- Ever see a party at 2 AM where hoes are on a treasure hunt around the house looking for the last drops of alcohol left in the house? Well if you plan ahead, and keep a secret surplus of beer, you will put yourself into a much better position to penetrate. Even beers which would normally be unacceptable to drink in public, (Milwaukee’s Best, Bud Ice, Schlitz, etc) now become currency in the hoe-marketplace, and you’re looking like an entrepreneur of entering pussy…

2. A good, comfortable sleeping location- At the end of the night, when you’re getting ready to lay down in order to sleep off all the light beer and cheap liquor in your system, you’re going to want to find a bed or pullout couch. Because when all the hoes are passing out, none of them want to fall asleep on the floor, and will, in extreme situations trade blowjobs for bed-room. A good wingman will help you save a spot on the bed to give to the hoe, though some may call 2 men gay for sharing a bed, but you’ll get the last laugh when you’re fucking someone in a queen bed while everyone else has blue balls, and is laying in piles of puke around the house.

3. Gum/Mints- The most forgotten tool of all, you must, I repeat, MUST, carry some mints or gum with you throughout the night. Because by the time everybody is going to bed, there will be a good mix of cigarette breath, weed breath, 40 breath, and or Hummus breath. Every good wingman keeps mints with them in order to save their friend in a moment of need. Nothing dries a vagina or softens a dick quicker than halitosis.

As the night passes, and everybody loses their belongings, make sure that you're prepared! The following items, while not crucial to your mission are still important:

• Lighter
• Blanket
• Phone battery
• Toilet paper
• Friends
• Dignity (optional)

For now though, just remember: Keep a reserve of all necessary ingredients to getting fucked up, because at the end of the night, their value triples. I’ve seen people give $5 for a cigarette, half-handjobs for a hit off a blunt, and I almost saw a girl have sex for a sandwich… Hopefully that makes you think twice about packing a lunch before a party.

Although, sometimes, all you need to pull a hoe is confidence and a couple good, smooth pick-up lines.. (Of cocaine.)

Until next time, good luck and strap up.

Hoe-Pulling Profile: Dick Nuble (Name Changed To Protect a Legend)

Have you ever seen somebody who is just so cool, calm and collected around women that you can't help but get jealous? Somebody with such exceptional hoe-pulling skill that you can't understand how they do it? I've seen exactly that in one man I know, and I'm going to point out some of the ways he pulls the hoes he does...

#5- The Minor Jewfro- It takes a special person to be able to pull off the Jewfro, and this man does it with perfection, not too goofy, not too serious. During sex, hoes can't help but touch it to see how fluffy it is, and it gives just enough length for girls to hold onto while riding him. Hopefully he doesn't have a sensitive scalp. Not to mention, the jewfro adds a good 1.5 inches to his height.

#4- Fanny Pack- This man singlehandedly brought the fanny pack back from the dead. Not only that, but his fanny pack turns into a raincoat! Not only will it pull hoes for him, it will protect him from getting wet as he pulls them! While in fanny pack mode, it is perfect for holding cigarettes, money for alcohol and a good amount of condoms just in case.

#3- Lack Of Underwear- A trend that is becoming more widely accepted throughout the community, wearing jeans without underwear is this man's number one skill. He does not fear uncomfortable rashes at all, and this fearlessness serves him well in his pursuit of hoes. Hipster hoes dig it.

#2- Dual Wielding 40's- Imagine if you were playing halo, and you could dual-wield shotguns... 40's in both hands is the real life equivalent, not only do they make a damn good weapon when a herpes-hoe run towards you, you can always drink them as well. When a hoe sees a guy holding two 40s, you probably thinks two things... Number one, "oh my, he spent $5 on malt liquor? in this recession, he must be the hipster king!", and number two, "i wonder what i'll have to do to get that other 40 from him!". Either way, she'll be on her knees worshipping you in one way or another, if you know what I mean...

#1- The Mini Van- The ultimate weapon in his arsenal has to be the mini van of many vags. The most noticeable vehicle of the group, when you see it pull up, you know hoes are about to be pulled. It may not look like much from the outside, but once you get inside, you'll see why many girls have been unable to leave the van, (this may also have something to do with them being passed out). The floor of the van is covered with OE and whenever you take a sharp turn, another bottle rolls around the back right to you! Even better, if Dick Nuble ever wanted to stray from the normal hoes and roll to a different group, he'd be right at home with the soccer moms. "Oh, you need to go pick up your son from his game? Let's hop in my van". No smoother words have ever been spoken to women 35+.

Not to mention this man is just plain smooth. An up and coming beer pong player, a good taste in music, and bunk beds! Who wouldn't want to be pulled by this man?

The Temperature Is Going Down On All Of Us, And Soon The Hoes Will Too!

It is common knowledge that women are easier to come by as the weather gets colder. November and December are statistically the easiest months to pull hoes, after all, isn’t stuffing the Thanksgiving turkey just a metaphor for sex? Plus, isn't Hannukah just 8 days of dick when it comes down to it?

Opportunities to cuddle, hold hands and share blankets rise exponentially, and most of the work is already done. Cheer up, get in the holiday spirit, you’ll come away with at least one whornament to hang on your tree. I'll try to give you a few suggestions for the hoe-liday season.

Halloween- When it comes to giving candy, you need to know how to scout a hoe by the type of candy she is eating... Snickers, Milky Way, those are boring, avoid all hoes eating those. But if you see a hoe eating a butterfinger, move in! She is a fan of the long hard center and that speaks volumes about her. In addition to her, watch out for any girl eating a cadbury cream egg, as she has already had some cream in her mouth once that day, might as well make it twice. Also, while Reeses is a great candy, if you see a subpar hoe with them, you might as well take the Reeses and just say forget the girl.

Trick or treating is fun, but instead of giving out candy at your house, why not condoms and lube? Any girl who actually comes by to get some is basically asking you for it!

Which Costumed-Hoes Should You Pursue?

#1- The Maid- She is already offering to be a servant to your demands, and you haven't even asked!

#2- Sexy Nurse- A very common costume, but a safe choice nonetheless. A girl who is relatively clean and willing to kiss any booboo you may have.

#3- Playboy Bunny- Another common costume choice, you will still be with a girl with no creativity, but the costume usually accentuates the butt so you'll get a nice look if you want to put it where her tail is. After all, she knew she was going to end up bunny hopping on a cock when she picked that costume.

What Costumes To Avoid?

#1- All Disney Characters- She is either going to be too young, or has some fairy-tale idea in her head. Do you really want to have to take her to a ball and rescue her slipper before you get to slip her (the dick)?

#2- Angels- The wings on her back may be eerily similar to the loose, flapping wings you may find when you explore her vagina...

Thanksgiving and Christmas tips coming soon.